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thanks for stopping by LITB, and thank you for your words to me

it's funny that you brought up the word humility - i hadn't thought of that for a long time. it reminded me how humbled i felt in the first months after the bd.

and now, of course, i didn't realize directly, that what i was writing above, also involves humility in a huge way - and also what was discussed on brit's thread earlier today about judging other people - that when we are humbled we don't do that any longer.

i'm so interested to hear about what you will write about your sitch and forgiveness. i will admit that i'm not sure i know what forgiving is completely.

in the past - when my h did something that really upset me, or i saw how he was stonewalling i would be so upset, and then i would let it go and say it's okay doesn't matter.

i realize now, that that is not taking care of myself, and really do wonder, how it works so that you don't just let it drop but at the same time you do.

i'm sure that by now, you have worked through a lot of that - so that we can learn from you:)

thank you again
and i really hope you and your family are doing very well

zig

Shoot, I got a little sideways on my post in my thread, I completely forgot to post what I intended to on forgiveness. It has to do with what happened yesterday. See what happens when we lose focus. lol

Gosh I don't know why but reading these last posts on forgiveness and being humbled have me in tears.

Not crying out of sadness or anger, but release. It just has reminded me of how angry I had been, at everyone, how much faith I lost..and remembering that H is simply on his own path. Letting go of ego and allowing humbleness in. H has his own pain and issues to deal with. He doesn't want me with him right now and that hurts, but it doesn't lesson any of his own issues, and the winding path he is on. He has previous and more recent pains to address no matter what. I am a side story right now.

This is my path and he has his own. I was taking so much in the past, and now I want to give. Give love, not take love. Give compassion, be empathetic. That's the person I want to be. Inner peace that I have given the people I love what they need.

Anyway...lots to think about. Thanks for this conversation.

((((( to you all))))

no problem LITB - i did read that post last night, an djsut figure you were still processing since it was so recent.

zig

journaling -

h had breakfast with s and me this morning!! it went well.

mornings were a nightmare in our house. THIS morning went really beautifully...

will write the details later - have to go work now!

Thank you for this post zig. Especially the part in bold. I needed this today. Because for much of my life indifference was my way of life. And I honestly think I'm still doing some of that in my sitch now. Time to did deep again.

Zig,
I really liked your post on forgiveness, and really needed to hear it. I know they all say its the gift you give yourself, but its incredibly hard sometimes to forgive things that were done intentionally that the other knew would hurt. We as humans want them to be punished for them and show contrition.

But the truth is most of the time we carry it around and they move one....i've really struggled with this since my wife left...i was incredibly angry that she "chose" to take my family away from me, but im understanding more and more that she was trying to "save" herself because she's lost. Thats much easier to forgive in my mind.

I admit empathy is one emotion I really struggle with, I think because on some level when something bad happens to me I just try to move past it and get on with life and think everyone else should as well. So im working hard on really trying to "feel" for others and their situations.

thanks roro - and you're welcome, too.

it just came out suddenly while i started to write...

journaling:

so h came back this afternoon to fix the van - it's been sitting in our driveway for a long long time. i guess it got to the point where he really needs it to haul materials for the house.

friend arrived at the same time, and we went on the back deck to hang out while h and s worked on the van. when they were done he joined us for a beer - kind of - he had a beer but wouldn't sit down and sort of hovered. then they took off.

a bit later friend and i left to go downtown to eat dinner. we're at the counter ordering when i hear my name and turn around and there's h, waiting in line!!!

i asked him if he wanted to come up and order with us and he said no, and that s had gone off to find a table and he didn't know where he was. after i finished paying, i followed friend and we said to each other - [censored], what are the chances of them showing up at the same place. she asked if i wanted to tell him to come sit with us and i said - no, if he wants to , he'll come find us. besides we're having girls night anyway. we went out the back to the terrace to eat.

well, they didn't come join us and after we ate, we just sat there hanging out. then suddenly i see friend look up in surprise - and who's walking down the alley but h and s and my other sweet friend (who's held my hand through all this) with her husband and s.

they come stand by our table and hang out for 20 mins but won't sit down - and h says to me - you guys just took off - we looked for you everywhere and i tried to call you but you didn't pick up the phone.

i was really surprised. well, i hadn't heard my phone. i said well when you didn't come and join us, i figured that you wanted to sit on your own. he said no - we didn't know there was this back terrace. turned out they were all there together .

h was not all that happy - he kept sort of looking at me and when they walked off he had a total hang-dog look about him.

now when i got home - i wondered if my own reaction had been a bit tense. in that moment when he called me i was overtaken by the fact that he and s, and me and friend were in the same place but not together. i was so sure he didn't want to hang out with us, that when i finished paying, i walked off without even glancing at him again.

i can't remember now whether i actually forgot in that moment that he was behind me, or that i sort of shut down and really didn't know what to do. his firm 'no i don't want to come order with you' gave me a really strong message that he didn't want to sit together, and i didn't want to pursue by asking if he wanted to. also at that point i had no idea that our friends were with them

and here's stupid me on one hand thinking - gosh i hope he didn't feel totally rejected when i just didn't walk back to talk to him and then on the other hand i'm thinking - well, if there's anything that would show him what it's like to be truly separated - here's a damn good example. can't imagine what s was thinking when he climbed into my lap and hung out with me for a few minutes and then they all took off - especially on the evening of him going back to h's today.

friend who i was with - she's the wife of the guy who's h's closest friend right now - even she felt a bit shaken by it. it was hard not to feel anything.

on the other hand - i was watching myself carefully - and i wasn't really perturbed when h and s didn't join us. i was very aware that they didn't - but not upset and actually shrugged it off. besides i wanted to hang out with friend.

frankly - i just feel curious. curious about why something like that needed to happen. what was it there to show me? to show h?

was it there to show me that i am okay? was it there to show h what it would really be like? i could see his unease-

on the other hand if i had taken the step to walk up to him and say - we'll be out on the terrace - would it have been an opportunity to hang out together with friends and relax - first time during this sitch. or better that it went the way it did and he saw that i was going on with my stuff as i had planned, regardless of where he was at...

brit - can't help thinking that you may have some insights on this.

there have been a lot of strange interactions lately, but i have to say for some reason this one has felt the strangest of them all...

oops sorry - that got a bit long


wanted to add - and this made me really feel good - not just for db'ing but also for myself.

i remember reading somewhere that when other people talk to the WAS about their LBS in a really positive way, it can make the WAS start to question what they are doing.

so tonight friend described to me how her husband (h's closest friend that he spends the most time with) has been talking about me to her.

she said "he is just in complete awe of your changes. he'll walk up to me and say - "that zig, shake his head in wonder, it's just amazing, i've never seen anything like it." then he'll go sit down , almost speechless, then get up and come back to her again and say " it's amazing, zig is in such a good place , i can't believe this is happening" shake his head and get speechless and repeat this over and over.

i was really surprised. ever since we reconnected - i've met friend several times but only met her h twice - and he saw all of that.

i joked and said to friend - hopefully he's telling that to h. and she said oh i'm sure he is.


on the other hand, she told me something that made me just gulp and actually be really upset with my h. she said when they would come over, h would meet them at the door and say - you better be quiet and on your best behavior because zig is in bad shape and in a really bad mood. (this was after the accidents and i was in really bad shape)

i couldn't believe it - i asked her did he actually say those words to you - and she said not to me but to my h and he would tell me and then we would all tiptoe around you.

i felt so angry - i found myself starting to explain my side to her, saying well what you don't realize is that it was because he was yelling at me because i was anxious because the spasms were bad, and the house was a mess and i couldn't cope with all the stuff that needed to be ready before the guests arrived. she was a bit shocked.

i found myself just starting to get into what was the horror for me during the years of post-concussion crap where h would pick fights with me and keep at me no matter how much i begged that we stop until my brain could come out of overload.

but luckily i didn't go there and stopped and said - no i'm not going to get into bad-mouthing h right now.

and that's when h and the others walked up!!!

journaling -
need to write my thoughts down here - feeling a bit unsettled this morning about yesterday's events and can't quite put my finger on it. thought if i write them down here, and maybe get some feedback it will help me to see where i am.

i think i was feeling a bit uncomfortable about the last two days events. h is suddenly more around - and i'm relaxed about it - not seeing it as anything other than that. really not getting pulled into the sitch at all - and oddly that's making me feel unsettled.

is it just the unfamiliarity of feeling like that? probably, huh.

so this morning, i finally after all these months found myself attacking the piles of c-r-a-p laying around the house that have been agonizing me. i got a good start into it, and then stopped to take a break and had just said to myself "aah - i can see how good it's going to feel to just keep moving on , on my own and i'm so okay where i am" - literally right then the phone rang and i heard h's voice leaving a message that they were coming over to get some of s's stuff and pick up his truck.

they showed up a few minutes later - he asked for cheese!! and i gave it to him. then he says - we're going over to in-laws to swim. i said oh that sounds great , it's so hot today and he says well, why don't you come join us. i was a bit reluctant , thinking damn i finally got started with all this stuff, and if i went i would be allowing him to cause me to stop doing this. but i said okay maybe i'll come over in a bit for an hour.

the boys were really hot from walking here and i took them into the kitchen for a drink. h started calling saying hurry up and i pointed out that he was used to working all day in the 100 degree heat, but this was the first time they had walked in it this summer and they weren't used to it. he started calling them wooses - not very nicely, and without thinking i said to s joking - this is where you get to give dada a kick in the pants.

well [censored] if he didn't take me up on it!! as h stepped out the door, s right behind him swung out and kicked him. unfortunately he got him right in the middle - by accident, and h turned around and got really insanely angry at s and was outright vicious and then walked off. s just stood there in shock - and i gave him a hug and said s, i didn't expect you to literally do it - i was joking. he started crying and h turned from the driveway and said - you almost got me in the nuts, but he was really mad.

all this happened in front of s's friend, so there was that added shame for him.

i let them go. it's not like this kind of anger hasn't happened before, and in the past i would have immediately called h up on it, but kept to my 180 and stayed really quiet. as i went back in i said to myself this is between them.

i felt bad though - if i hadn't made that stupid ass comment, none of this would have happened.

so instead of getting ready to leave, i went back to finishing off the job i was in the middle of. and then i'm thinking - gosh i don't know if i want to be around h right now - especially after i saw how he reacted.

about 20 mins later just when i had decided that i was going to text him and say i wasn't coming he calls.

are you coming? i asked why. his answer - could you bring sunscreen - but if you're not coming friends who are joining us are bringing it any way.

wtf??

so he was getting sunscreen anyway so why call to ask if i could bring it?

i said - i decided that i would rather focus on this stuff i had planned to do and was just going to let you know i wasn't coming.

his reply - okay whatever...

then i said - hey about what happened at the door can we talk about it for a minute. he responded acting as if - what's the problem nothing happened. i just said - i don't feel good about the comment i threw out and i want to apologize for it. he got all hassled and started going on about how there was too much going on there and it wasn't a good time to talk - and i said no problem maybe we can talk about it later and got off the phone

so i'm in this funny spot. here i am making goals where i want h to ask me to join them, but when he does now i don't want to go. wtf is up with me?

anyone see through all this stuff i'm writing - if there's anything there that i'm not seeing?

feeling very muddled right now!

thanks for reading all my long rants

zig

ps. i can't help thinking that when i start writing these long posts about what is going on that i'm off kilter somewhere within myself