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Hypothetically,

Let's say she is having some thoughts and the music she listens to is pushing her to feel a certain way.

You bring this to her attention and now she doesn't feel 'secure' in her music because she thinks it is making you feel a certain way. She feels she is giving you more hope than there really is.

So she stops listening to the music that brings back the good memories. She stops getting pushed. She goes the other way. You just lost.

Instead of her being in control of where she goes, she now feels you are trying to steer her. Maybe she was headed that direction but didn't realize it. You just woke her up and told her that is where she was going. Now she is going to jerk the steering wheel away from there.


Ever grill a steak? What's the best advice I can give for grilling a steak? Turn once.

If you keep poking the steak, turning it, checking it, you will ruin it. Let the flame do the work sealing in the flavor and juices.


TIME. Time is your friend.

Let things build on their own without any interference from you.

Wow thank you Lost... Very good point that I follow and relate to.
Man I hope I didn't screw up too badly here, I guess if no more of her songs pop up I'll know that I did. Time for me to stop flipping the steak.

I think my only recovery is back to the LRT. Thanks again for the read and your feedback!

^^^ great advice.

Love the advice from LostIn407.

I really needed that today! I made a cute (to me) sexual remark during a perfectly good texting back-n-forth session last night. He ignored it. Ouch! We might've used to be that way but aren't now.

H comes by today so I can practice just being cute...not saying cute!!!
I really liked the grilling steak analogy. Thanks!

Hang in there, Broken 74!!! Let's both go back to LRT!!!

Thanks Reaching, I'm there with ya the new clock is ticking!!! :-)

Quit looking at the clock and go get busy. While you are waiting for 8-27 to come around, what are you doing with your time?

What if your W doesn't come around by then? Are you ready to be divorced? Do you feel in 10-15 years when you look back that you gave your M your best shot?

Utilize your time wisely and make the best of it. Every second that ticks off that clock is a second wasted.

You're right LITB! My GAL activities are in abundance (work, church, basketball, tennis, golf, working out, hanging with friends), the clock I'm talking about is starting a new LRT streak since I botched up today...

Will I be ready to file on 8/27? Probably not, but that is a boundary I have set for myself. I have done everything within my power to try and reconcile a new R with my W, as I know our marriage as it was is dead. My sitch is somewhat ridiculous compared to most, everyone I know personally who is familiar advised me to run many moons ago. I have stood fast and will have done so for a year, but I'm not going to stay in limbo any further when she has made no significant moves toward me at all. I have been doing nothing but showing unconditional love for her and my stepkids for months, life is too short for me to continue chasing cheeseless tunnels after a year I feel. If nothing happens before and my filing does not cause an epiphany for her, then nothing will and I will full bore be moving on with my life.

I made many mistakes in our R and marriage, but the good far outweighed the bad and she will readily admit to this. I picked her and her three children up when they were down. I overextended myself financially in doing this based on my "nice guy" m.o. and harbored resentment as a result when I wasn't treated the way I wanted in return. This was a catalyst for my drinking and handful of verbally abusive epsisodes that ultimately pushed her into the arms of OM and put the nail in the coffin of our M.

I think I finally "get it" now. I see why I behaved the way I did, and I know it will not happen again in the future. I haven't seen her or my stepkids since Valentines day, so there's really not much of way for her to see any of my changes. The thing I still don't get is the discipline to abide by the DB principles because I keep screwing up.

Thank you for your read and ?'s LITB, I think about your statement often. I feel I have given my M my best shot within a window of time, but I would be selling myself short if I leave that window open forever. Living in limbo is no fun. Maybe I will reconsider this depending on what happens in the next 47 days, but as for now this is my plan, in addition to restarting my LRT. If I don't have some self-imposed "deadline" to work toward I will drive myself crazy... :-(

Thanks again for your feedback and questions, greatly appreciated!

Glad to hear 74. I will admit that I am not up to speed with on your sitch. Just wanted to chime in on your last few posts.



I understand completely and respect your decision. Best of luck.

I haven't posted on your thread in awhile because I have to admit i feel a bit frustrated. So I apologize in advance if this comes out not a 2 x 4 but freaking acme anvil like Wil E Coyote!

You never seem to learn that you have to stop pursuing.

STOP.

you want to know how I became cool, calm, collected. Because I forgave him, I forgave myself, I decided that I had no power in what our R would be whether it was strangers, acquaintances, friends, etc. I had to end expectations that kept hurting me. And whether you believe it or not everytime you send a text, buy a gift, look at her music service/fb/etc, you have an expectation.

You have to STOP. That's the first step. Let her come to you and when she does BE NICE. (what was all that ignoring her question about the address...you ignored two texts and a phone call? that's game playing!!!! and I think you add too much emotion into a brief exchange to her..I have not texted H I hope you have a really good day at work or whatever because it's not something I'd say to my best girl friend..it's too touchy feeling. I know you say you're being nice..but it's overkill trust me.)

What do you want out of this? think long and hard. Part of me for a little while has suspected you want her to want you back to validate the fact that you're a good man who is a good husband. That's why you bring up all you've done for her in the past financially. Do you want her back so that you've "won" over the other man?

You have to find that inside of you and not take her not choosing to be in this M as a rejection of you and everything you've done for her.

I think you're using this "filing" as a trump card..it's your way of putting a timeline on it. And what's going to happen if you file and she very quietly signs it? And you don't get a big scene or dramatic outburst...

You're expecting that either she'll come back or you can decide to cut her out of your heart completely and move on and it'll all be over.

If you want to be calm, collected, etc like you said on my thread...then start doing it. It's that simple. Act as if. And the first step is no texting.

And it's not about being NC and being really good about it. A month of NC can be ruined by one pursuit. one little text. So if you pursue then go dark then pursue then go dark you're not making any progress.

Sorry if that's harsh....I just feel like we've had these convos before....

i agree.. being calm comes from within. acceptance with no expectations. i have accepted my sitch and i feel good. the best i have felt in a loooonnnnggg time. i got served on monday. you know what? it doesnt matter. i am free to make my own choices and be the me i have always wanted to. it probably wont be with her and i am ok with that. my kids will see it. i will see it.

stop your games broken. they will end up ruining everything. be you. the real you. the changes you have made are for you, not her. if it works, great! it shouldnt matter. you need to save yourself before you can save your marriage. it might not happen. unil you come to terms with that, you will push her away.

good luck.

Dakota