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So, I went home after work & waited for D to get dropped off. I went to check what clothes I had for the rest of the week since I hadn't any time to do laundry this weekend(also put it off),and noticed that laundry had been done. Well NOT mine just W's. Made me kind of mad. I have been trying to keep up on all of it when I'm there. I do all of it mine, W's & D's. I also have been doing all of the grocery shopping. W pretty much just comes and goes and all of the things that need to get done are done. I am not going to show her my anger. I just put my clothes in the wash, finished a few other things and put them in the dryer. D & I then went to the store to pick up a few things & D told me that she wanted a new toothbrush. I guess W said she would get her one last week but hasn't yet. So I texted W and asked if it was ok if I picked one up for D since I was at the store. W said ok. Got back home & W was there(Her night). I dropped of the stuff from the store, grabbed my bags, hugged my D and said goodnight. W said"Oh you're leaving?" I said yeah got go. I did tell her that she forgot to lock the font door this morning & to try and remember to lock it. Made it sound like no big deal, like maybe she was in a rush & just forgot. Didn't show any anger for the laundry or telling our D she would get her something & didn't. I always feel like she is subconciously testing me & I feel like I passed. Also, didn't linger around. Made it seem like I have things to do. Well, I do. I have a IC session tonight. I want to see if I can get her curiousity going with me not hanging around. Have done it for two days. Let's see if I can keep it up. It does pain me though to leave D in such a rush and not hang around with her. I miss her so much when I'm not there. More than W. Right now she is the only thing that keeps me going.

Good IC session. I don't think I fully understand how bad I hurt W. And she knows I don't understand. That is why she is not ready. I need to try and understand how I hurt her and what she is feeling. I need to try and be safe.

I feel terrible. I feel like the whole time this has been going on I have only been worried about how it is making me feel and not W. I have only been concentrating on what the sitch is doing to me. My actions caused this. I did this to us. She has been trying to tell me how she feels and what has done to her but I have only been worried about what is happening to us. I hope I can let her know somehow that I realize that now.

It was all right there in front of me. Her telling me how others reacted when she told them what happened. Her constantly telling me that she isn't comfortable around me and feels violated. All I did was just listen. I didn't react. I just said sorry and that it was a mistake. I didn't try and feel her pain. Now i know why there is still a wall between us. How do I let her know that I want to understand and am sorry for not trying to understand?

So this morning when I called D to tell her good morning and to have a good day I asked to talk to W. I told W that I haven't really tried to understand her feelings. And she said for what. I told her for this whole mess. I said that I haven't really understood and that I wanted to and that I felt like a jerk. She got a little sad. I then just told her that I was sorry about not understanding and to try and have a good day. I hope it meant something and that she knows that I do really feel bad.

I'm glad you're figuring these things out. This is very much part of the learning process. The best thing about this whole thing, IMO, is that it forces you to dig deep. To recognize past mistakes and shortcomings and work on becoming better.

I think what you did was perfect. You didn't force her into a R talk. You just quickly apologized for something that was probably a huge concern for her. I would most definitely leave it at that and be proud of yourself today.

Babysteps, my friend...

So, I've been trying to get my financial stuff together for W's move out. It looks like I should be able to do it. W has even been helping. She is going to help refi my truck and house. It felt good working as a team today. Wonder of she felt it too. Earlier we were talking about her moving and we both agreed how it was sad. I told her that I wish there was something else we could do. She said she did too but that this was probably the only thing. We are both worried about our D. I was glad that W was showing some emotion and not just acting like it was fine. She did tell me she hates not having her own place. I told her that she still has home. But she said it doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe her moving out will give her a little freedom and also give her something to miss(our home & family).

It's over.

So what happened?

Lost are you there?? What happened? Don't be so sure from ONE conversation. This could be one of many conversations...