Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Separation Helped So Far..

People do change regardless of the age. Look at everyone here, we've all changed and done things we never thought we would. The issue is if he wants to change. That is up to him.

Mr Bond - I agree that people CAN change. We all here are proof. But in order to change, people have to have INSIGHT, have to take RESPONSIBILITY, and have to WORK at it.

What has her husband done besides beg once he found out his fantasy woman wasn't all that? I'm not hearing anything about him going to counseling to fix his problems, paying for OW to live in a motel until she can get her act together (or him sleeping on a friend's couch until she's gone), he's not even behaving as if he respects Anyhope's boundaries at all.

AS for him becoming a family man - yes, anyone can change, but the odds that someone with the total lack of character to have flaunted this affair in the ridiculous way he did, will somehow develop the kind of character that leads to a man being a really solid family man, are slim to none. By the age of 40, if a guy hasn't grown up, he's probably not going to. I'm not hearing anything that sounds like a guy growing up here.

So that's the question. What would the catalyst be to kick his @$$ into gear? This is a difficult sitch because he's already been M before and he could be running or avoiding the conflicts like he did before.

Maybe in this case, if being nice to him hasn't worked, she needs to tell him to 'man up' and stop running.

Her H has not been married before. I asked her about that back a few months ago, and he had a long time girlfriend; no wife.

Anyhope, I'm sorry you were going through a rough patch the other day. I hope today was better.

vc

Hello All! Yes VC is right h was never married before me. He seems to be stuck in that place where he doesnt have me, doesnt really have ow though they still live together. First of Feb came and went and I'm guessing ow was still 'unable' to find a place to move to. He was telling me about some issues of mice in the house and being scared to death of mice I said to him I'm glad I dont live there as I'd die in fear and I asked if ow is scared of mice. H said she hardly stays there anymore but when she does she is closer to them (the mice) as she sleeps on the couch. Now... this may or may not be true. Only them and God knows what they do behind closed doors, not like I'll go check and not like I care anymore.

I did recently pass another course in school and only one to go that I need to focus on so very happy that I've been able to 'remove' myself from all the drama.

Just last night h got his 60 days notice to terminate the house he lives in so I'm guessing ow will go on with her life after they move.

H still calls me daily wanting to chit-chat and when he does I usually tell him good bye, he gets offended, but I dont really care. I can tell that in his mind all interactions we have are 'work' on our relationship. Needless to say, we dont talk about anything meaningful. He is hoping that we'd just 'be' again. He has not touched the His Needs Her Needs book I got him for Christmas, I'm guessing he doesnt feel he needs to. Still thrown in the back of his car as he left it after leaving here on Christmas Eve.

At the same time he was here the other day and i got a glimpse of his phone screen where the texts are and ow was the last person sending him a text.

He was over the other day dropping off the dog and she called while he was here. I couldnt hear what he said to her as he tried to whisper almost.

A few days prior to that he was over and jumped up looking at the clock telling me he has to make it to the liqueur store before it closes because he has to buy wine. I asked if he was going somewhere, he said he wasnt he just wanted to drink alone because he hasnt had a drink in a week. Now this alone sounds fishy, while h likes to drink in a social setting he doesnt drink alone, so I'm guessing he planned on drinking with her but didnt want to tell me.

Anyways thats it in a nutshell. Oh.. Sunday will be our 7th wedding anniversary. I won't call him and he will think its on the 14th on Valentines Day because thats what he always thinks.. We'll see if he calls me..

Hahaha!! Yes this just happened.. H called and asked if he could move here for a month as he hasnt had work for months (self employed) I told him he never has work in the winter and still fails to save money for winter months, told him to ask ow for money since they've been such good friends not long ago... He said he didnt want to as they're not on the best terms since he asked her to move out.. And I said I was really sorry to hear but I have no space for him whatsoever. Now the other thing I wonder if he'll want to move to my building as he had hinted a few weeks ago. I told him to forget about it, but the truth is if he decides to do so there is nothing I can do about it. But I'd cut all communication with him if he did...

Hi, anyhope! That about killed me when you said H said ow was closer to the mice!!

Yeah, it's kind of suspicious that he used the liquor store as an excuse. He was lying like a rug. I mean, seriously, whispering when ow calls, text messages, etc. It does not sound like things are ending there at all.

He has some big ones to ask if he can come and stay in YOUR place, and I love how you responded to that. Yeah, that's just what you need!

Oh, and CONGRATS!! on passing your course. I hope you can keep your focus on the last one. Wow, you are doing well. DB should be proud of you.

vc

Thanks VC, so much easier being out of it all but I'll be honest with you, when he comes up with these suggestions of his I lose it. I had to take 2 Advils after talking to him yesterday. All his sneaky ways of trying to get back to me and yet, still living with ow. What it looks like is he doesnt want to be alone and he never was. He went from me right to her and when he decided shes not all that after all he invited me to live with him.. Ow was still there and I just signed a one year lease, but he asked. What if I say yes? Where does ow stay then? Another room?
Btw I think he did go to buy wine and I think he drank it with her.. I mean she lives there and as much as he likes to drink he wont go out running so he can drink at home alone. Sometimes he forgets that I know him way too much and I even tell him that why lie when I see right though him, but anyways. It is hard because Im trying to be on friendly terms with him, hes been helping me a lot since I moved and I would more appreciate that if ow was gone or if he'd just quit with these insane ideas. Another idea he had was that he'll rent an apartment in this building.. I told him you might as well take mine and I'll move because I dont want to have you as a pc of furniture day after day while we're separated. And then he asks why.. and why am I so stubborn...

That's the funniest thing about H's. We know them so well, and they don't even know we know so much. I can tell if my H is lying to me. He can't help it, it shows on his face. So, funny, because as a police officer, he took a course in reading a suspects body language. I learned a lot from that course HE took!
I think it's great that you are on such detached, friendly terms with him. It would make it easier if he ever decides to finish going through his adolescence, growing up and finally "getting" it. He doesn't seem like a bad person at all.

Where do you think he will end up moving to after his 60 notice is up? I hope he won't intrude on your space. He doesn't seem to get it that you need this time, and he needs to let you have it. Of course, we'll see what happens when ow has to find elsewhere to live.

Well, why ARE you so stubborn? lol

vc

Thats a good skill to have, I'd take that course but I'm sure we need no course when it comes to our husbands.
And while being friends would be nice he really gets his hopes up every time we talk, he thinks he's one step closer. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather be friends and see if down the road we feel we can move up from there but I hate pressure and every time I feel pressured I flat out tell him to back off. Other than that he is a good guy, amazing friend and I always told him when he didnt spend time with me or chose to be out with friends that I'm jealous of them and wish I was his friend as he'd spend more time with me then- and I still feel that way. The issues we'd have to work on go beyond ow anyhow and will not be resolved by sweeping them under the rug as we did for years because this is exactly where that leads to.. Growing apart and cheating..