Could this just be neediness coming to the fore? I've been emotionally battered for weeks and so I feel the need to affirm myself with short term encounters? As if, clinging onto someone else will make the world less scary? Is that why I feel as if I NEED my wife back? Very confused now!
What you're suggesting (a PA) is a short term fix to fill a void that you're feeling inside. Do you want a short term fix that has the potential to make you feel worse about yourself and your situation? Or do you want to rise above, keep your self-respect, stay faithful, and find happiness from within?
Mab, I know you're struggling. But the last thing you want to do is involve a third party and make things more complicated. I think you know in your heart that taking that direction is not the answer.
You are going through some of the very same stages that I have gone through. I was having these thoughts of wanting attention from the opposite sex, whether it was H or not. (I would not say I would take it as far as having a PA... no offense, but I'm not that kind of girl.) But I did feel like my self-esteem was starting to get so low because of all the rejection I was getting from H. (And he was openly having a PA!!)
However, I soon came to realize that H is the one I love. My heart is not done with our M. I don't want to make things worse. My self-esteem is the issue and that is where my focus should be. Not transferring my pain temporarily to something else.
Do not add to your pain. Your NEED to cling to someone is the issue that needs your attention. Maybe IC can shed some more light on this.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
its an issue that came up in my last session and we'll be going over it more. Apparently, it also came up as an issue for my wife in her IC. She told me last weekend. I think it's one of the biggest hurdles we'll have to overcome if we do try to reconcile. I know it's one of the driving forces behind her decision to leave. Throw in her worries about having children and what she feels are issues between me and her family and there are some major problems which she currently feels are insurmountable. I don't feel they are and it shows just how attached I am that just the thought of her saying I don't want to get back together sends fear down my spine.
In fact the more I think about it the more concerned I am. I believe she is viewing her neediness as something that must be beaten whatever the cost. Her actions in finding a flat of her own seem to back that up too. I think she has convinced herself that I'm a crutch, not a partner. Which simultaneously worries and annoys me. This is going to take a long time!
mab, you can surmise all you want but where does it get you? Even if you really could mindread her and understood everything about every thought she has, how would that help you? She is responsible for her stuff, you are responsible for your stuff.
Have you read any of the books on codependency? You should really look into that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm really struggling today. I even forgot what day it was when I woke up! I was all set to get ready for work. The career concerns (which aren't really pressing yet but will be soon), being very lonely and not being able to talk to my wife is just leaving me spinning. My whole world feels like it has turned upside down. I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot a little bit. Labug, are there any books you could recommend?
You are getting awesome advice from JKS, SS, ConfusedFather and Labug. Do NOT have a PA yourself unless you are done. At that point you should tell your W you are done and that you intend to date others.
Having a PA now will very seriously set you back. Get a massage if you need some contact.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
