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thanks labug - when i first read that i had no idea what you were talking about - i thought you were reply to unbidden.

she is seeing a therapist - and i got the impression that she wasn't satisfied with her therapy.

i am planning to do EXACTLY what you said - just listen to HER, and leave my impressions/thoughts completely out of it - and see where she's really at. maybe all she needs right now is someone to listen,nothing more,

found out, i think why this is put on my plate right now - i've been given the opportunity to practice listening, putting myself out of the equation. i'm sure more lessons are there, that i don't expect, and that i will only find out when it's time for me to!

had a long chat with mil this morning - they just got back from their trip yesterday.

found out that h gave up his rental when he bought his house. and was moving out end of july. then before their trip, came to them and said, i messed up because this house is not join got be ready before december

seems as if the current plan is that he is going to move in with in-laws. he is NOT happy about it at all. mil thinks he may be trying to see if he can get his rental back.

i'm surprised that he wouldn't just tell me, especially since we talk about the house frequently and also about how they will be living there come the autumn - in fact it just came up yesterday.

oh well -chalk that down to one more dissonant piece of this sitch!!

mil also told me that one of the couples they were with - many years ago - had the same thing. the h had mlc and she stood for 22 months, and now they are still together.

i asked if mil thought that she would talk to me and she said definitely. so she's going to ask her. i think it will be nice to talk to someone in person, who's been there and been through it - maybe she can tell me what helped her the most to get through it.

most of our conversation was about my growth and the new place i am in now. this wonderful woman has walked next to me and watched my pain all these months ( i have no idea what that did to her) and i really wanted her to know, that with her support i could be in this place and keep growing.

towards the end we talked about how this hasn't just affected me, but that my own growth has triggered so much growth and introspection in the people around me, especially her.so the gift one gives oneself - of allowing this for yourself - you land up giving it to everyone else too. how beautiful is that, when you didn't even intend it.

so interestingly - everyone in the family reported to her how amazing and beautiful i was at the b'day party . she said they all called one by one to tell her about it.

so life just goes on - and things fall into their place when they are meant to. mil and i are in a good place with each other and i feel really good about that. we are way more than dil and mil - we are really good friends and determined to keep it that way no matter where this goes.

zig

journaling:

i had a wonderful experience today.

saw my reflection in the glass doors at mil's house as i was walking by the pool, and i just watched this really confident looking stranger walking by. i just stared and found myself thinking - who is this?

i have changed so much that i don't recognize my own reflection. i walked in and told mil about it and she gave me this gentle smile and said, yes, every time i see you it's as if you transformed some more. i was so pleased:)

then soon after, driving the boys back to my place - a thought popped into my head - oh my gosh - i'm not the person h left 10 months ago. that means i don't have to keep thinking and feeling what i did before.

that i am a stranger to h in some ways. i know the essence of me is still present, but it's being manifested in a completely different way now -one i haven't yet become accustomed to...

i just find myself smiling all the time...

oh and one more thing - fil has been so pained around me the last 10 months -and today - he was smiling and laughing with me and seemed so happy to talk with me. it was so nice - i don't think i've ever felt him being so relaxed while interacting with me

good things happen when i let go, that's what i am discovering...

I think of our H's as being similar...so I wonder if he too has ever felt like a failure around you in any way and maybe didn't want to admit his shortcomings either to not have the house ready in time or that he didn't plan correctly....no one wants to move back in their parents!



This makes me GRIN not just smile! I felt the same way on Friday. I was wearing a new outfit I'd bought because none of my old clothes fit, And I just thought who is this confident, professional, attractive woman?
Use that feeling to propel you into making your insides match your outsides!

Hi zig, I love to read your posts. To see your growth, realisations, appreciation for what is RIGHT NOW.

Thank you for everything you give to me, to us all.

I hope you have a wonderful day

This, I was wearing a new outfit I'd bought because none of my old clothes fit, And I just thought who is this confident, professional, attractive woman?
Use that feeling to propel you into making your insides match your outsides! this is why we are instructed to look nice, smell nice and GAL. Not to impress WAS but to impress ourselves, to boost our confidence. If we look like a depressed, frumpy lump with no interests, we probably are a depressed, frumpy lump with no interests.

Good job, zig!

I agree with this interpretation. My H is very like that, prideful.

Love these posts! So positive. So healthy. Thanks!!!

I think of our H's as being similar...so I wonder if he too has ever felt like a failure around you in any way and maybe didn't want to admit his shortcomings either to not have the house ready in time or that he didn't plan correctly....no one wants to move back in their parents!


aah brit - hit the nail. i think he felt like an awful failure - and i'm so sad that i contributed to him feeling like that. and to se it still now.

i feel bad - since that night we were together - he tried that night and then july 4th to start talking about how shitty he felt about the house. without realizing what i was really doing - i just encouraged him to feel good about it. instead, why didn't i keep my mouth shut and let him just say what he wanted to say - maybe i stopped him.

so when i realized i did that after reading your post - i learned some things about myself - that the house makes me nervous so i act as if i'm great about it and stay really cheerful about it
the other thing i learned is that i am still not completely attuned tot he very subtle things that h is trying to say, because i expect him to say other things.

so i will put that knowledge to good use and watch for subtle cues.

i'm so glad though that i have got to the point were instead of regretting and going panicky that i didn't get it right, i am just seeing and then relearning.

Use that feeling to propel you into making your insides match your outsides!

oooh yes - and your description about yourself made me grin too

YAY to us!!!

(((( ))))
zig