Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm a new person

I forgot to mention. MIL called me when I was with H to tell me something personal. She then cried and said that she sees me as a close friend and I am the first and only person she would call about this. This is another 180. My relationship with his mom has improved a lot. Hence the example. I'm glad. I think what changed is that my expectations of her are now realistic.

Now that I truly have no expectations, I'm just not interested or looking forward to his visits. weird. I thought I didn't have expectations before but before I would get excited when he would come over and I would get excited when he would plan family outings.

Now I'm like ugh, whatever...
I don't say this to him but he can tell I'm not as eager about these outings as before. He'll ask me, why? what do you think? is it a good idea?

I try to act as if and say, yeah, yeah, it's good.

I told my sister about D1 bday plans. Her first ques. Who's going? My ans-I'm not playing this game. Sis-I want to know so that we know if we can go or not. Me-like I said, I'm not playing this game. (turns out she has to work late that day)

I have to put my boundaries or else it's just screwing me up with my recovery. THAT'S RIGHT FAMILY!! IT'S ALL ABOUT MY RECOVERY!!! NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

OK BIG RECORD SCREECHING!!!!!

H called. said he wants us to all take a weekend vacation in the next month!!!

This is me on the other line (mouth and eyes wide open, heart beating above normal, frozen).

Last fall he said he wanted to take S4 to the San Diego zoo/wild animal park alone but now he would want us to go together. he said he knows that if I don't go he will wish I was there....to see S4s reaction to everything. So it's a "family vacation"

I shouldn't see it as more than that. I know that when the kids do something funny or cute I wish he was there, but this is going into a different level...

HELP!!!!!!! note to self---NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!!!

Ok wait, I should praise myself. If he is willing to spend a weekend with me, it's because I have done a superb job of 180 and acting as if, right? So he wants to spend time with a friend, that's it!!! remind me DB friends, NO EXPECTATIONS!!!

ok, vero...NO EXPECTATIONS!

however, i think you can have the expectation of enjoying yourself and your kids and seeing them happy in a family situation.

you are doing a great job!

No expectations but another opportunity to show the new you. Try to bookend the trip with support.

I agree with SS and BM. It is the perfect opportunity to show the new and improved you.

High five and no expectations.



I really enjoy working and living here. It has so much to offer and as you said, the views are beautiful. I am very fortunate to live here.

YES! HIGH-5s all around! or wait (not much of a football fan but) huddle then break!

Scaredsilly gave me a great idea. his touch and go landing is gonna be a little more than a touch . that is all I can expect!

breathe, breathe! meditate, pray.

My family wants to know who will be at the dinner party so they know if they should go to D1s bday. I told my bro and sis, If you wanna come, great! but I'm not playing this game.

Someone give me your objective opinion on this? I'm thinking of not telling them that H and his family won't be there cuz I'm protecting myself from their expressions that hurt. I get that they're hurt by what he did to our family, blah blah blah but I'm tired of it! I'm tired of empathizing with THEM when this is MY family issues! Not THEIR'S!!

BTW: my older bro and older sis have always treated me like their "lil sister" so I am having some old issues come up with this. I feel as if I'm not being treated as an adult.

I’ll send (( )) your way instead.



Let them know that your sitch is difficult enough and their input makes it more challenging. You would appreciate if they would keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves.

DB them. This is your boundary. If they try to reason or argue their points, ask them to please stop or walk away. That’s how you can enforce it.

Thanks LITB. I decided that we are going to lunch on Sat (28th) to celebrate D1s and my bday. I invited my mom, younger bro and fiance, H as well. H is invited his mom and bro and sis. I feel so much better about this

I did a DB act today I wanted to share.
When H opened his glove compartment I saw what looked like his shaving kit bag (was his camera case). I was quiet when I walked away from the car. He asked what was wrong and I told him. (not angry) and said, it's ok, it's none of my business. He quickly showed it to me. I said, sorry. I saw him before he drove off. He sat in the car and rubbed his face. He does this when he's stressed.

I realized how much I stress him out with I assume or confront him. I'm actually doing the same thing my bro and sis are doing to me, adding stress that I can't handle.

I called and said, I understand how you feel. You feel guilty about everything that happened and when I called you out on the case I reminded you of how you lost my trust, hence more guilt.

He really like this and reminded me AGAIN! that his focus is the kids. (I get it! believe me I get it!!)

I think this was a good example of detachment. I truly understand his sitch from an outsiders perspective.

To be honest, I'm having doubts about going on this family trip. I'm not going to say anything but it's interesting that this was one of my goals and now... It's not. A family trip if he wanted R would be nice. Not minus the R.

Hi Vero -

Had a quick read on your DB coach session about detaching. I'd just like to add that I finally realise that detaching helps with the process of breaking down the old patterns - though it may feel like the whole thing is breaking down. Don't let that fear get you, it's not true! The good stuff will be there when H returns