Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives What resources helped you make good decisions?

Thanks HIW, really appreciate this info. I'm sorry to find myself here too!

I think D suxx for everyone, because my H is going to be paying so much money, we may have both most of our savings tied up in the house equity, it's just going to be a different life for all of us. It still seems unfathomable that someone would choose that over marriage counseling. Even just to see if it can be repaired.

I know!!! Mine wouldn't do MC either. I think he'd been planning it for a long time. And while he acted all pleasant with our M, he was keeping score and I had no clue. He gave me one fun last xmas with my kids (out of towners). Then waited a week or so after 17 anniversary. dropped bomb, told me had seen a lawyer and was out the door to the hotel he already booked. Now I know I have to work. Don't know if he will. He had a new gf 2 months after bomb, could have been sooner. whatever!

Chances are there was a GF before he walked out the door. Men like to have it look like to their friends that they met after the divorce or after a long separation. You know, gee she was not around before I moved out sort of thing.

My ex did that. Acted like he met her a bit after the divorce, moved in with her and married her. Our close friends know the truth. Funny that he doesnt hang out with them much any more.

Hoping the best for you both. It isn't an easy road to travel, but you do come out the other side.

kat

Hi, Ellie I saw this and I thought I would jump in. This was almost exactly my situation at the time of my divorce. What I learned is that in my state, there is no such thing as "alimony" but there is "spousal support". The goal of "spousal support" is that the spouse with the lower income is "supported" until they are capable of earning enough to support themselves. In my case I worked the entire marriage, but never more than 1/2 time. I helped my H go through graduate school and get his masters. We struggled financially for the first 16-17 years of marriage while he was getting his career going. By the time of the D we had a decent income, yet the mediator we were seeing had determined that I was NOT entitled to very much since I (during the last few years of the marriage) had benefited enough from his education that my sacrifices and hard work were for the community good. My oldest child was about to turn 18. In CA child support ends at 18 unless special considerations are written into the agreement. So I determined that in my case it was better to get the house (forever) rather than a temporary (and would have been stingy) support agreement.

Also, for the retirement accounts we had an evaluation done, because they were "defined benefit" plans rather than "defined contribution" plans. It turned out that it was a wash so we each ended up keeping our own.

One book that helped me was Feeling Good by David Burns (I think). I was very depressed during the D and this book helped me gauge how I was doing.

SG -
Our situations were similar, same state, but I got alimony for up to 10 years (would have been 12 - 1/2 the duration of the marriage -but I negotiated away 2 years in exchange for something else). I too was working but had "mommy-tracked" my career for many years, resulting in my H making about 4 times my income.

The alimony goes down if my income rises above a certain level. OR if HIS income drops dramatically due to disability. That's the risky thing about alimony. I do get to keep life insurance on him (at my expense) to cover the alimony if he gets hit by a truck. (A standard provision but one that freaked him out - he kept hinting I might hire a hit man to get the money lol. Guilty conscience??)

Even if he had given me all the house equity, it wouldn't have covered the alimony - plus, it would have left him unable to buy his home, which he had his heart set on, and which has benefited my kids. All in all, I'm ok with our settlement - although I would be happier if I didn't have the cohabitation issue to be concerned about.

Ex had a defined benefit pension, I had none, so it was divided by a QDRO - unfortunately, the rules still favor him over me, I'll get a relatively smaller portion even though most of it was accrued during the years of our marriage. The separate 401k was split 50:50.

Thought I'd share the book my IC said other clients of hers had said was helpful. It's got a bad title: "He Had it Coming: How to Outsmart Your Husband and Win Divorce." I ordered it from Amazon (delivered to my office not home) and will check it out. Supposedly it has checklists and information to help prepare wives who had no idea about their family finances before facing divorce.

Does your H have the password to your Amazon account? If so, it will show up in your recent purchases. Pretty inflammatory title!

I’d say so. I never thought I had it coming. If XW had followed a guide rather than listened to her supporters she might be doing better financially.

I have heard it said divorce financially favors the H. I suspect that is true at least in my case.

Advina, IMO you are wise to do the research now. My L asked me how I wanted to proceed, and I told him to keep it fair, even so she is coming out on the short end, primarily due to decisions she made without understanding the potential outcomes. She became so focused on one aspect (1/2 the 401K) that she and her L omitted other items when the documents were drawn up. I am not inclined to make it up at this time.

KML is right, keep it under the radar.