Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Had an affair 3 years ago, DH still struggling

The Therapist is Pro Marriage....... My H I really do not know what he is thinking now. He does see the Therapist Tonight so hopefully He will give us some "Homework" to work on and we can see some progress somewhere....Whichever way it will go.

I still think if he wanted to leave he would have done it by now. It has been a month since our first talk about all of this and a lot has transpired. The most difficult part for me has been the not knowing where things are headed. I am a planner and a need to know person. So for me to let things go and not react is very very difficult. But I also think by me doing this it is giving him a sense of control which I do not think he had before. But at the same time giving him this control, but still being aware of what is going on.....so I am not blind sided.

Floating around in the currents is not a good plan.

Since you are a planner.

Use your strengths.

Mystify,
I'm wondering if you and your DH have ever had a discussion about WHY you had this affair 3 years ago?

I am in a similar situation to yours. I never slept with anyone but did have strong, real feelings for one person 3 years ago also, and then had some inappropriate texts with another person recently which was our "bomb".

After MUCH self reflection, I have come to the full realization that our M was sorely lacking in emotional intimacy and I was trying to replace it by going outside the M. In addition, my H had become verbally and emotionally abusive which caused me to withdraw, compartmentalize and eventually succumb to someone else who was giving me the attention that I desperately needed. Before my TA, my H would threaten D all the time... even in front of the children, who are young. And I became a very broken and insecure woman who needed to feel better about herself.

So, I'm wondering if you've looked at this inside your own relationship. After our TA bomb I suffered even more emotional abuse as I sat and listened to my H call me "garbage" and a "sewer rat" and many other things. The focus was completely on ME and what I had done wrong rather than what went wrong in the R to have caused this. My H hasn't heard my side, doesn't listen to anyone who doesn't agree with him, hasn't acknowledged his part as of yet and may never do so, and at this point, he claims he has made up his mind that he wants a D. So much easier than actually working on the problems.

What was the dynamic in your R that led to you having this A? What were you looking for that you weren't getting? Is your H open to having these kinds of discussions, either alone with you or in therapy? If he is willing to genuinely look inside himself and take responsibility for what he contributed to the decline of your R, there may be some good work ahead for you both.

Hugs,
RegretfulLA

Hi again Mystify,

For what it is worth, I had sex with other women whilst my wife and I were separated. Partly out of revenge I guess, partly to keep the smell of desparate off me and to see if I still "had it". All ridiculous things really - and I still felt dreadful.

If your H has been involved with this woman due to feelings of "revenge" I can understand the motivation but I am not excusing it.

What I didn't tell Daddy Long Shanks was that in addition to being quick to forgive most of the time (for trifling things), I'm also quick to anger and it took a long time to really forgive my wife. A "trifling thing", by the way, is anything you won't give a damn about 1 year from now.

I really hope your H sees sense and takes responsibility for his part of your M's demise. There was no excuse for your A but his treatment of you made you vulnerable to one and he really does need to learn how to meet your needs, starting with knowing what they are in a language we men can understand.

My wife's sister has just dropped the bomb on my BIL and they have four young children. This is what has led me back to the board - I fear the Monster of Complacency like you wouldn't believe!

Good luck with this!

best,
GH31

Hi RegretfulLA, We have looked into why the affair happened. This was very difficult because at the time the affair was developing and evolving I really had no Idea these things were lacking in our marriage. From what I was able to discover, I was missing an emotional connection with my H. On the outside I come across as a very confident strong person. But in reality in the inside I am very insecure and have low self-esteem. Maybe my perception was just a very good cover-up for what I was really feeling? Anyway when the affair started the overwhelming feeling I had for the attention I was getting from OM was so strong I just could not stop it. It was almost like a drug, I wanted more and more of that attention because it made me feel so complete and good about myself. I was losing weight, and my H was noticing. And the strange thing about all of that was he was more attentive to me and I liked that as well. I do not want to say it was a “Have my Cake and eat it too” but I liked all of the attention I was getting on both sides.

Now that I look back at it I was getting the emotional boost I needed from the OM and the physical from my H. Until my H started to back off due to my sudden change in behavior. This is when the physical Affair started with the OM. He just knew what to say and what I needed to hear at that time.

So to answer your question I do not think I was getting what I needed emotionally from my H. However when this came out he was very defensive. Throughout all of this I have come to realize that my H’s way of showing me affection was to Work Hard long hours, fix things around the house, and just be present. From my point of view I took this as “He would rather work than be with me” “Or he would rather not be home” He was so hurt that I just did not realize he was doing these things for me and our family. You know In the back of my head I knew this but I still needed to verbal “I Love you” or the reassurance, and he never gave that to me. I think over the last 20 years of knowing him I can count on one hand how many times he actually said “I love You” He thought by him doing the things he was doing was good enough. And he still feels this way.

It is sad. If we were better communicators then we would not be in this mess. I am by no means blaming him…..but when I come out and say I need those reassurances, I feel very disregarded when he tells me I just should have known how he felt by his actions. Even though I have told him I need to hear the words and feel his touch…….