I am five months out from D Day , my anniveraty to boot. I was not strong enough, to walk away on day 1. I convinced myself I would just be his friend. It seems he is still playing the same game. He wants a wife at home, and a mistress 30 minutes away, so hisnt ready to give her up. My husband did 2 tours in Iraq, and when he came home 4 years ago, I could tell he was not same. He admitted to me he felt bad for having to kill them, and he is sad for what he did to me. He wakes up frm night terrors, has post traumatic stres disorder and a Traumatic brain injury. He is getting out of the military in the next few months. I have spent the last 5 mmths stuck thim limbo. He tells me he loves me, and as hard as it is I wll not say it back. I conpletely understand he wanted an escape from his demons, but finding another person isn't remedy. There is a lot to this than just the affair. I can't analyze him, or snoop. I just leave him along in the spare room and do my own thing. I love this man, and still feel hope for us, which keeps busy. I feel invisible sometimes, and like I love someone who doesn't love me like he should. I need advice on what to do? I went to se a lawyer back in March, but to be honest I fel my H will never divorce me, and I hope we can get through this. ITs hard to be around friends, who wat to tell me I have doormat on my forehead. I don't know which appraoch to use? DO I do the movie or cancel it and move on withot him. Or do I just show him I am here, and listen when he needs a friend to. He came back homeand sleeps on the airmatress in the gueset room, and he spends mot of his life at her plae. They fight a lot, but I am lost on what to do. I miss him and love him.. wish he would fight for me.
I disagree a bit with the previous advice, actually.
You said he had a traumatic brain injury, and that he tells you he loves you but you don't say it back. If you want him to return to your marriage, why wouldn't you say something else - like "I love you too, H" or "I love you too and I wish you would work with me to make this marriage as great as it could be".
TBIs result in depression - and sometimes a loss of judgment. Sometimes the affair is just a way to self-medicate the depression, by getting the dopamine "high" of infatuation.
You don't need to be a doormat, but you might want to make sure he knows you are open to reconciliation if he will stop the affair. Also, if you could get him to go to counseling with you, the counselor might help to get H into treatment for his depression if he's not already getting it.
He's been through a horrible experience and as bad as his behavior is now, if he was a good guy before, I commend you for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Some here have seen themselves as a lighthouse, lighting up the path home.
Do you have children together? How are you living YOUR life right now?
(I feel for you, my husband was not military but he had 6 concussions in 8 years prior to our divorce. It was not the only reason for our split, but his depression and judgment were definitely affected).
(P.S. Traumatic brain injuries can cause deficiencies in pituitary hormones, especially growth hormone. Try to get his doctors to check this, especially before he leaves the military.)
Thank you Cadet, for the kind words and taking time out to respond. I am in full agreement that we cannot work on our marriage, while a third person is there and I can no longer give in to him and then he has a girlfriend too. I have read DR, and am re reading it now. I am also focusing on myself, kind of preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. I have lost 50 lbs since D Day, and have finished my bachelor’s degree. I am starting pre-reqs in January to possible start my accelerated nursing program. I have also realized the only person I can control is myself. I do not want to force anyone to love me or stay with me. This is his battle, his mess—as far as the affair is concerned. And He needs to work it out.
Me-28 H-28 married 9 1/2 years
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
KML, thank you for noticing that my situation is quite unique and I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I think I give him excuses because he has PTSD but I can’t help but feel like this has something to do with it. I make sure he knows I love him, but that the current situation is very hurtful. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said depression, loss of judgement, and an escape from his own problems, and the enjoyment of the infatuated feeling. He currently sees two counselors a week for his war problems, he is scared to admit the affair to his doctors because it is against military policy and could result in a reprimand, loss of pay or even a dishonorable discharge.
Its hard for me to open up to my friends, because they all seem to want me to leave and not look back. I can’t just forget that he is my best friend, and that I am all that he has. A lot happened to him in those two years in Iraq. During the first deployment, his humvee rolled over an IED, rolled over, and caught fire. He was knocked unconscious from the blast, his friend had to kick him in the chest to get him to regain consciousness as they both pulled the other guys out of the burning vehicle. This is where his TBI came from, and his dislocated shoulder. More so than that though, are the mental issues he has to deal with, as far as not loving himself for the things he had to do. It took him four years, and this affair, for him to open up to me to tell me that he felt guilty, because he had to shoot and kill 8 people. He felt like a monster. He told me of a time when he was eating dinner and a mortar attached the base. They asked for a medic, and he ran out. He dealt with four marines, who had lossed limbs. He cries when he tells me, all he could do for one of the guys was push morphine and hold his hand while he died, he feels guilty, like he didn’t do his job well enough to save the marine. He also dealt with a marine who had lost both legs from the blast, so those images haunt him. He also had an insurgent chase him on the base, and my H was fighting him and beating him with his guy, the guy got away. This lead to when he came home the night terrors began. I woke up once and he was imaginarily clearing the room with his hands (in a fake gun position) telling me to be quiet, that they had found us. He thought the insurgent had followed him home. Luckily I have never been hurt during his dreams, but I can hear him screaming in his sleep, the mimicking sounds of a machine gun (a popping sound he makes with his lips) and sometimes moving around. Certain things trigger his PTSD, like large crowds, or the smell of burning food on a grill—reminds him of a bus of Iraqis that had caught fire, and him remembering that smell.
He returned home from those two tours, a different man. He lived with anxiety, a lack of emotional connection and a depression. This is my belief, of what led to the affair. Those first 48 hours after the affair came out, I was so scared. I removed all of the guns from our house, and had them locked in the local police arms room for safety.
I do apologize for the novel, but I love my husband with all of my heart. I know he is hurting, he is lost, and he is broken and I know I cannot fix that. I did call his psychiatrist once because I thought he may hurt himself and also explained his eratic, out of character behavior. I myself work for a place that deals with combat wounded soldiers- mainly those with amputations. I feel lucky that my husband returned home in one piece, but the one piece that the Army sent back, was a broken shell of the man I sent off to war. He is a wonderful man, with a large heart, who means the world to me. He doesn’t enjoy talking about the future, or anything seriously related to the affair. So for now, I am just showing him that no matter what I love him, and that I will not turn his back on him regardless. We do not have children, we have two dogs that we both love dearly. We bought our first home almost a year ago. We both live in the house, he is in another room—although he comes to bed at night to hold me and kiss me goodnight, he asks me to take showers with him, or when I wake up in the morning he just wants me to hold him for a while. But often times I leave him alone for hours to do his own thing. I am worried about him, because his mistress is very controlling, demanding and jealous. I can see he is struggling, and not enjoying his life. He says every time he tries to pull away, she clings even harder. I think he wants to not hurt anyone, and to be honest is too weak to fight for a life worth having. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me, and he will never be able to forgive himself for what he has done.
How am I living my life? One day at a time. When this first started, it used to be an hour at a time. I would go to work and then come home, take care of the dogs, and go to sleep. My emotions were all over the place, and uncontrollable. It was hard for him to see me cry, even over the littlest thing, because it made him feel guilty. For now, I would say we treat eachother like best friends who love eachother. He is very weird in that he tells me everything about the relationship with the mistress, and wants me to just listen because he has no one else—and sometimes I tell him I can’t today. I get criticized a lot for being there for him, but I love him with all of my heart. Its scary to think we survived two combat tours, and now this, this affair, could be the downfall of our marriage. He never talks about divorce, never blames me for the affair, or any of that. But his actions seem confusing, so all I do right now is I let him come to me. I don’t call him, or text him, or expect him for dinner. When he comes home I don’t follow him around the house, I am just there for him and he comes to me when he wants to. I don’t know what the road ahead is for us, but he says he cannot live without me and wants to work on things, but unfortunately right now he either doesn’t know how to end it, or doesn’t want to, or he is too weak to stand up for himself and get out of the situation. I appreciate the advice and finding a place I can fit in.
M-28 H-28 Married 9 ½ years Together 13 years Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. (Selwyn Hughes)
My update for today: This morning was a good morning with the H. He came to hold me before he got ready for work, and we went to breakfast together-- in the car he reached for my hand and held it the whole way.
Since then, I have not called,texted or spoken or seen H. I am at home with our dogs taking a nap, before I am heading off to a work function downtown tonight, so I don't think I will see him before I go and I don't expect him to be staying at home tonight. He has spent the last two nights at home, but guessing he will be spending the night at the OWs place tonight (yes, confusing, crazy situation, but being honest about it and laying it all out on the table).
I am looking forward to my weekend. I have no plans, but I want to take the time to re-read Divorce Busting and get a plan in motion. I also want to get started back on my weight loss regimen, so some trips to the gym and the pool for sure. I also am making plans to see one of my friends this weekend. So I should be pretty busy, and able to focus on myself.
That is my update for today.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Journaling.... Last night H was upset about the OW standing him up for something so he talked to me. He told me he hated his life, and I asked him what he hated about it? And he told me the situation he was in, and how he didn't know how to get out of it. He said he thought she told him to wait to come over because her drug dealer was there. He asked me if he should write her a pissy text back, and I said no. I told him that he should take a step back and look to see if this was the life he wanted for himself, if going out partying or being around people doing drugs, was something he needed or wanted in his future. If he wanted to lose all that we had worked for, for that? He tried to explain to me that the OW is upset, that he lives two separate lives- and that she can't come to see his house or meet his dogs (she tried this before, I stopped her) and I said, she is right, I don't know what fantasy world she lives in where she thinks thats ok. He said that the OW told him that she doesn't feel special because he isn't with her all the time, I told my H, she wants you to divorce me and with her, and he said well that's not what I want. But anyway... it was a good talk, where I just listened as his friend and told him that he really needed to evaluate his life and where it was going. He has been sweet to me ever since, and very sweet today. I mainly left him alone though, and when he was leaving suggested we take a break for a little bit, suggested a month to start out. He got upset, saying he would still come to the house and see the dogs and do his laundry and I said I didn't say he couldn't, and he didn't know why I was pushing him away. I just said, well right now it seems like your relationship with the OW is priority over our marriage, and I can't do this anymore. I still love you, but I can't feel this way anymore. I don't know if that is going against DBing, but I can't take it back now. I am trying to be there for my husband but also not let him think that what he is doing is okay with me, having a W and a gf, not okay. I may lose him in the end, but I cannot force him to love me or want a future with me. All I can do is focus on me, and what I need to be okay. I love him dearly, and hope that we can survive this, but somedays are more optimistic than others. Its like, if I pretend like nothing is wrong, things are great.. but heaven forbid I get upset because my husband is having an affair... so glad I have the rest of the weekend to myself to read DB again and process and set goals for myself
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
There's nothing in DB that says you have to ignore his affair, nor be willing to be the "other woman" in your own marriage. Good for you for sticking up for yourself -- and for the sanctity of your marriage! My guess is that as you pull away, he will start pursuing you. LET him! You work on Hopeful!
Thank you Starsky. I am working on pulling away too and doing it one day at a time. Just focusing on me for now, and working on setting goals for myself.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
