A little nervous about trip. I guess it's just because it's our first one without W. Just need to enjoy it and have fun. I guess my clinging is coming out right now. Got to try and get over that.
So before I left for San Diego & while I was packing the car W shows up. She wanted to k ow if D was there. Told her no, she was still at daycare. She said she would pick her up. I told her I was picking her up on the way out of town, plus they were still on a field trip to the local pool. Weird, she had wanted to change the schedule with D because she was going to go out with friends after work. Now she shows up. Told her she could go when I went to pick her up to say goodbye( daycare is in the neighborhood ). She said no. She already said goodbye. Whatever. Then why was she home?
Made a huge mistake & asked about R. She said she still is in the same state of mind. Asked her if she had met someone. She said yes. Met a guy at the bar that she talks to now. Asked about it. She said they're friends and that she's allowed to have friends. I told her of course she is but what do you think he wants. She said probably to get in her pants. I told her that she's having an EA to try and replace me. And I asked her how she thought our D would feel about that. I know I shouldn't have said anything. Time for me to just leave her alone now. Let her figure out things. And hopefully see that the grass isn't greener. Glad me & D our on this trip. Let her be alone for the weekend. And we can get away from all of that mess.
W's cousin died from overdose while me & D are out of town. W called me crying. Just told her I was sorry & to let me know if there was anything I could do. Also told her that he is probably in a better place now. Feel really bad. The cousin was in his mid twenties. Nice but obviously troubled. Had D call W later in the evening. I then told her again how bad I felt about it. Told her I felt really bad for her family.
Had a great trip with D. She even said on the way out of town how she has never taken a trip with just me. She wanted to stay longer. W wanted to know when we would be back. Gave her an estimate then a couple of updates during the drive back. When we were getting close I got a text from her asking how far out we were. So I told her. When we got home W wasn't even there. D asked where she was. I told her I didn't know and she would have to ask her. So I texted W and told her we were home and said she was on her way. I would have figured she would have been there waiting for her. When D asked where she was she said at lunch. I don't understand.
I know that her family is dealing with the death of her cousin but I just can't stop thinking about my W telling me she met someone. And why does she keep talking to me about personal stuff if she has a friend to talk to now? I know I need to detach more but I'm also trying to build back trust and let her know that I'm there for her. Also it looks like I have to compete against someone else. And now I also feel like she is lying to our D about her whereabouts. I get really angry sometimes but I just keep it in.
Last night after I unpacked I told W that our D probably needed some dinner so she decided to go pick up some food. She asked if I wanted anything. Puzzled me. I asked D and she just looked and smiled and said yes. So I said sure. W then left to go get it and I stayed with D. So now she's not there when D gets home and leaves an hour later to go get food. Is it just me or does it seem like she's walking away from D too? Anyway, I decided to just wait until she got back and take my food to go. When she got back I thanked my D for our great trip and told W thanks for dinner and took it to my brothers house to eat.
W will be leaving town sometime this week to go to the funeral. Not sure when or for how long. Might be for three to five days. I'm kind of hoping it's the longer trip. She is really making me angry now. Probably because I love her and don't recognize her. This seems like its turning away from what I did to put us in this situation and now into what she is doing to deal with it. Help!
Yesterday when my W left work she called me. She used to do this everyday on her way home. She just said hi and wanted to know how our D was. I told her she was napping and that I was just watching tv. It was strange. Seemed like she was sad. Well I found out later when she got home(her night to stay there) she had a really rough day. She was getting reviewed at work, her manager was there all day, she has to go to another site and help out, she is leaving town for a funeral the rest of the week so she had to be caught up on everything and the death of her cousin plus our mess. She talked to me about it. Made feel good that she opened up to me. Made me wonder why she didnt call her new friend. I just told her it was a big load and that anyone would be overwhelmed. Told her I would make dinner so that she could get her stuff packed & ready for the funeral out of town. Made one of her & D's favorites. She realized she didn't have shoes for the funeral so I told her to go get some & I would finish dinner & hang out with D. She left & came back & ate. Told me how good it was & that she hadn't been eating so good lately. We then sat down & all three of us watched some TV. After the show was over she even invited me to watch another. She was concerned about leaving our D for so long & missing her. I told her she would be fine & that I would take care of her. (Wonder what she thinks it would be like if we divorced?). She also was concerned about getting to the airport at 4 am. Told her we could take her. I could get up early from my brothers & pick them up, she could stay at her dads & go with them or we could all stay at our house & go from there. It was her choice. Am I doing to much? I mean there was a death in the family & she turned to me. I feel if I didn't do anything she would just turn to her new friend for emotional support. I feel like I need to gain her trust back & let her know I'm dependable & this was a little of that.
Well today before she leaves for her trip she's back to being angry at me. Well it seems like that anyway. She's leaving early in the morning and is staying at her dads tonight. I tried to keep everything light but she just got more and more frustrated. I think she wanted me to leave until it was time for her to go. But she never let me know that. Plus I think that's a little selfish of her to want me to just stay out of the house until she ready for me to come watch our daughter. But what am I supposed to do? It's my night anyway and she is choosing to go to her dads. I had offered for her to stay there and I could come over early in the morning. Oh well. She'll be gone for 3-5 days and I can relax.
Having a tough time this morning. Realizing that getting my daughter up early and taking her to daycare plus a house without my W in it could be what it's like if she moves out. Also realizing that her moving out might be the best thing. She seems miserable. I just need to concentrate on me and D. Enjoy our time without the tension of having W around. A part of me just wants W to move out and realize what she would be missing. Maybe she already sees that and that is the reason she hasn't left yet. Or done anything else such as file or get her own bank acct.
Just need to keep on being the best father and best husband in these circumstances.
