Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

Thanks Ad, I've had a good birthday today.

Met up with a uni friend who took me for breakfast, which was cool of him. Had some birthday cake and ordered an indian takeaway for later.

Yeah, i'm definitely not asking any q's and enjoying the last couple of days, no expectations, just enjoying feeling desired, and it's not just the ML, it's the contact and conversations, felt warmer these last 2 days.

If nothing else, it's nice to remember these feelings and emotions, sorta makes you realise why we're DB'ng and why it's worth it.

Bill

BDB Sometimes silence from here is a good thing. Gives you time to think. That conversation will not break your marriage.

She was hoovering and looking for some guilt justification. So just leave it be. And next time you know what to look for and toss in a truth dart. Just remove yourself from the justification.

I will recommend that if she asks you to move out or you think you should move out.

DO NOT.

If she says that you should move out. You reply.

"No. I have thought this over. You are free to leave the home and find another place but the three of us will remain in our home. You are free to take your personal items but everything else will remain in the home."

"We can work out a visitation schedule once I know that the children will be safe visiting you at your new location."



Now as for her behavior. Stop reading it. Your going to be fine no matter what happens. She is most likely tagging you and using sex to draw you back into limbo land. Look at what you did leading her to change her behavior.

Thanks Chatterbug

I think you are 100% right about not asking any questions, I've got no desire to do that so no danger there.

The moving out, I agree with you on that and IF and WHEN that conversation comes up again, i'll take a similar line what you said. That way I don't have to worry about leaving my kids and I'm not going to stress about her filing for a D if I won't move out.

I initiated the ML on Saturday and was very direct in saying what I wanted and my W was acting all shy and vulnerable and I took charge and she loves that.

I used to have a real problem with ML because I had these anxious feelings about it not being good and I'd avoid sex, I wish I'd have got help. It was all psychological as I really enjoy ML now.

I think because I said what I wanted and was direct, it was assertive and decisive and this works.

Bill

Well another week on & I'm happy with how things have gone.

I went on my cousin's stag do on Friday with my dad which was fun, had way too much to drink & had an almight hangover on the Saturday though.

My W and I are communicating really well together since the R talk & my W seems much more relaxed this past week.

We are going down to London at the end of the month as a family for her brothers blessing. It's a Bollywood theme & my W bought a sari yesterday which she looks hot in. My kids look really cute in their outfits as well, really looking forward to the day now should be fun.

I've got my graduation next week on Tuesday to look forward to & a party as well, so July is looking good so far.

I'm enjoying the positives and will see where it takes me.

Going to get stuck in to some decorating these 2 weeks before the kids break up, which will fill up a lot of my time and keep me busy.

Bill

I was feeling a bit down & lethargic since the weekend & realised I hadn't been out for a run for 10 days!!

I went out for 45 mins this morning & felt great, got some energy back & gonna do some cooking & cleaning today.

Gonna go round to a friends house tonight to help him put some furniture together & catch up - not the most exciting of journal entries - but I forget just how much better I feel mentally as well as physically when I've exercised.

Bill

That's right! What I have learned is that GALing helps in the long term. I see it now that I am on this holiday. So, keep on GALing no matter what. It works in the background kind of way - shores up the confidence, helps you discover who you are, helps you discover new things about yourself, and is very practical in giving you something to do.

I'll read the rest of your thread to catch up...

Ok, I just caught up with your thread and I'm sorry I didn't read it sooner!!

Ok, my take is that her hormones are blinding her a lot more than even she realises. I'm assuming she is nearing her 40's (if not already in her 40's). My own hormones were playing a MAJOR part in the separation 2 years ago. Mind you, overall it was a good thing because it forced both of us to look at things and push the reset button.

Hormones at that age can really get to work up to 14 days prior to the menses...

In her good weeks, it might be worth considering talking to her about how her health is doing on the hormone front. Or, maybe you could find a way to do it indirectly (which might be better). FYI: since I started taking Rhodiola Rosea, all my PMS and accompanying symptoms (including the physical ones like cramps, backache, tender breasts etc.) have vanished. Any old Adaptogenic herb will do the trick - but I have found RR to be the most effective. Some people work better with homeopathy or other herbs...but orthodox medicine is pointless (unless one can afford the bio-hormones that are available, but it can be so expensive (I know, I've researched it!) Listen, RR is helpful for all kinds of stress so you could even take it yourself and leave it out on the table for her to see. When she asks about it, talk about how amazing it has worked for your stress levels and she might consider taking it herself.

I think that after that R talk, it shook her up a bit and then she started working again. I'll have to put my thinking cap on to see what might be able to tip the scales a bit for you.

Off the top of my head, I'm thinking distance. The old, "They don't know what they have until they've lost it". You've done an amazing amount of work and she will be thinking about that - AND you are an amazing dad. This is surely working in your favour.

One other thing I'm thinking on the job front. My H was also pissed off about my money/work situation. I couldn't find a paying job so instead I started volunteering at photography related things - to make contacts and to open up the doors for possible future jobs. He was satisfied with that. So, you could try that option and explain that since there are no paying jobs available at the moment, that you are working towards it in this way and making contacts, networking and looking at the long term prospects that way.

I'll keep on thinking about ideas and let you know.

Thanks Yankee

I'll have to look into the hormones being a possibility, my W turns 32 next month, a little young for it but not unheard of.

It would sure explain a few things, but I don't think it's that simple. (I wish )



I think you might be right about that because, even though I wasn't expecting this R talk - I was a million miles ahead in terms of controlling my behaviour and emotions since the last one a few months ago.

I even laid out a few boundaries about the OM who she still dances with.

She went out that evening to a charity night for work & it was me who broke the ice & initiated the ML, but for a few days after she was very flirty & warm towards me.



I know whether or not I move out in the near future, the distance will be there again once I start this course in September. It's going to be so intense 38 weeks non-stop teaching, planning, marking & doing assignments & another dissertation at a Masters level.

My GAL has to be pretty modest, not just because of money, but also time, plus I am still trying to protect my W, by not telling my friends what's happened or is happening between us. I guess it's really hard to explain as well, when you're confused about it all yourself most of the time. The less they see of me, the less they'll ask about my W (I need to fix this sooner than later - miss spending time with them).



I did try pushing for work pretty hard for a few weeks, applied for about 10 jobs, signed up with loads of temping agencies, but noone wants to give me a job for just a few weeks.

My start date for my course is the 3rd of September & I can't work while I am on this course. But I will get the equivallent of $1400 per month while I am on the course, so money will be OK in a couple of months.

My plan is to do stuff that I have got control over, DIY and decorating in the house.

Wow - just got a text from my W saying that she is going to book a table at a restaurant for my graduation next Tuesday!! - That's huge for me!!

Bill

I think I might have actually detached - completely!!

Here's a quick recap of what's happened the past few days...

Wednesday: my W & her friend (girl) went to a SPA break & stayed over at the hotel - been planned for months. I knew she was definitely going with her friend & not OM - they came by to the house before they left together.

Here's the thing, while she was gone I didn't even notice, I watched a couple of films - had a great nights sleep.

Yesterday a package arrived for her & this morning the packet was left on the floor with an invoice hanging out. It was for some really kinky underwear, suspenders (she's never wore anything like that before) and... a vibrator.

Now it might be the big kid in me, but I couldn't stop laughing & none of it even bothered me.

I don't think that the underwear is for my benefit, (it might be - but highly unlikely) and it made me start questioning a few things she's been saying about her work & needing to stay over when she visits some new customers for a project in work.

The really weird part for me, was feeling like I couldn't care less what she did. I'm pretty sure I cared last week, why isn't this bothering me? Do people go through phases of just not caring less what their WAS does?

I'm meeting up with my best friend tomorrow, going round to his place for dinner & a few drinks. I've not told him what's happened & hid it from him because I wanted to protect my W & M, but for the first time I'm thinking I want to tell him & I am accepting what the situation is.

The only real niggle I've got, is that once I tell him I can't take it back & what if I feel differently next week?

Could really use a bit of advice on this guys

Bill

Are you going to ask her about her purchases? You can always do it in a playful manner like, "oh I'm going to have a lot of fun with these."