Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rollercoaster - Am I tall enough for this ride?

So H and I had pretend day with the in-laws, SS, my mother, and aunt. We all went to the outlets here and had a great day. Looking at us, I don't think anyone could tell anything is wrong. I got teary eyed a few times, but kept it together mostly.

I need to update what happened Friday night though. H had decided he did not want to go to his aunt's funeral. So we arrived at his parents quite a bit after if was over. We hung out with them a bit and talked and laughed.

We then went to watch some TV and just chill out after the long drive. H left the room and when he came back, asked me what was on TV. I told him something he probably didn't want to watch. He asked what it was. I told him 20/20 was talking about mistresses. The show was actually on cheating but that segment was on mistresses. He looks at me and says its fine. I say okay, and go get my Nook to read a chapter of HTIYMWTAI. I wasn't going to focus on the show when he so obviously was.

Anyway, about 30 mins later H rushes out of the room to the restroom. By this time, I'm in the bedroom getting my things ready for bed. I hear all these noises like someone is hitting the wall or dropping something over and over again. H comes into the bedroom and I see he is crying. I ask what is wrong. He goes into he was so selfish not to come to the funeral when his aunt would have done anything for him. I tried to console, but he's a mess. He keeps sobbing, and I then realize this isn't about his aunt. I lift his head up so I can see his eyes and ask him to tell me what's wrong. He just leans on me and cries some more. Then he says he's tired. I ask like exhausted from the trip. He says I'm tired and exhausted. At that moment I finally realized I'm not just dealing with a H who is acting stupid and wants to leave. This man is really having a MLC or something.

I ask him if he wants to be alone. He says just for a little while so he can stretch out on the bed. I go to leave and he thanks me for always making sure he's okay and being here for him. I tell him that's my job until...its not.

He eventually cries himself to sleep. I wake him up so I can get in the bed and he's still crying. By the time he gets out of the shower, he's relatively ok. And then I started getting a little annoyed. He doesn't want to be married to me anymore because I hurt him SO bad, but can use my shoulder to cry on? Why would you want support from someone who hurt you so bad?

He's been attentive, and especially snuggly since this latest episode. But I could see yesterday that the wall was definitely back up. I'm leaving today since I have to work tomorrow. He's not leaving until Tuesday. I think the next couple of days will be a nice break for both of us. I am wondering if he'll tell the in-laws about him leaving while he's here. I would rather be in on the conversation, but there's nothing I can do if he does.

perhaps there was something on the show that triggered something too

like something about selfishness

which may have triggered the feelings of being selfish and not going to the funeral

clearly it isn't because you hurt him so badly but more because you have the POTENTIAL to hurt him and if he removes himself before you can potentially use that....

catch the drift????


sometimes people hurt others before they can get hurt themselves as a sort of proactive manuever

Hey fig, RoRo,
Just wanted to say that fig's insight is very helpful:

"you have the POTENTIAL to hurt him and if he removes himself before you can potentially use that....sometimes people hurt others before they can get hurt themselves as a sort of proactive manuever"

This really explains a lot of what my H is doing. Does it resonate for you, RoRo?

I agree with this. My MC thought that H came up with the idea of D because he missed me so much while I was out of the country that he never wanted to go through that again and could avoid it by choosing to break up with me.

I guess it makes sense in a messed up sort of way!

i hope it resonates for RoRo, because it definitely does for me

roro it's okay for you to do that you know - give him a shoulder to cry on in spite of...

look at it this way - you have come a long way to be able to offer that kind of compassion and unconditional love. there aren't any of us here in our sitches who wouldn't do the same without hesitation

the positive part of that interaction - he allowed you to comfort him - that's a baby step, don't you think?

zig

NLW & sbr, I guess it does make sense that he wants to leave before I could "possibly" hurt him again. If that is the case, I'm not sure I could ever do enough to change his mind. Which makes me feel even more hopeless.

I'm doing pretty good at the becoming the better me thing. Not so much at the accept your H is never coming back thing.

Zig, maybe that's some of the old me rearing its ugly head. Maybe "I'm" feeling like I don't want to be hurt again by being his shoulder so I don't want to do it. Which brings me to the real thing here: fear that I look weak and vulnerable and that I am being taken advantage of. Which causes me to run...which is essentially the same thing my H may feel. Crazy right?

And I guess it could be considered a baby step. I felt like I was just the person who happened to be there. I'm ALWAYS there. Meanwhile, sometimes I feel like I'm a dam waiting to burst. Think I can cry on HIS shoulder like that?

About the crying on his shoulder...maybe you should try it.

You know I've been reading a lot on unconditional love because it was such a foreign concept to me. The definition is so simple: caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. But it is hard to put into practice.

Your h is still in the home with you, still communicating with you. I think it's definitely worth working on showing him that kind of love and maybe you will get it in return.

If not, you learned something about yourself and your ability to love.

It's funny you wrote this. I'm driving along (I just stopped for lunch), and thought to myself just because "I" think I'm always there doesn't mean he feels I really was. I mean, I was hardly ever home: went straight from my job and worked out until 8 or 9 at night during the week, always had somewhere to go on the weekends, while he was sitting at home. I knew something was going on with him, but because he wasn't talking to me, I got angry, and basically stopped trying. Maybe if I had shown that I was really concerned, and kind of scared and vulnerable, we'd be in a different place right now.

I don't know...just throwing my thoughts out there...

Ro...do YOU feel weak?

I am an old lady so this is old lady words of wisdom

it doesn't matter a wit what other people think you look like...it matter what you look like to yourself

you are only a doormat if you feel like one

there are many situations where someone looking from the outside in would have a very different picture of what was going on in my life...I will use my daughter as an example

my daughter is 3 and has epilepsy and autism and things come much harder for her

She only had 15 words or so and they went in and out until around February of this year. We have been so excited to have her communicate that we basically blow a gasket everytime she speaks.

We were in church one day and she was fidgety...she had had an increase in seizures recently which meant an increase in meds. Each med increase and seizure increase makes her autistic behaviors increase too so she was very sensory seaking (biting and pulling her hair etc) She was being being a bit distracting so I got up with her to walk to the back.

She said "I tursty" and I was so excited that she expressed a need, verbally, that I went back up to get her cup and was realy excited and didn't shush her. Our whole family was over the moon that she finally expressed a need.

Now to an outsider...what this looked like was that we had a very misbehaving little girl in church who clearly didn't understand the rules. She was biting and hitting and then started yelling about being thirsty and here where her over indulgent parents just letting her do all this stuff and actually smiling at her and praising her for talking!!! What kind of idiot parents!!!

see how the picture is different???

our minister started to tear up because of the huge step FInn took but an old guy behind us shooshed us pretty loudly.

It's all in the eye of the beholder RO

are you a doormat or a loving wife, giving her husband what he needs at that moment?

Are you being taken advantage of or are you being trusted enough for someone to be vulnerable with you?

these are questions only you can answer because you are the only one that is on the inside

it doesn't matter what I see Ro...it matters what you see and feel and what your husband sees and feels


My aunt told me this past weekend that I should really have Finn potty trained by now...what kind of paret was I that I let her go this long in diapers

I told my aunt that I was so proud of her for being able to walk and run and jump and know her colors when they told us that those were things she would never do that I forgot to worry about potty training but that I would get right on worrying about that as soon as I was done being amazed. She will get there when she gets there

It's all in your perspective