Just now wrapping up a very nice few days with dear friends who make me feel good and with whom I can talk about things that matter and who truly understand. I'm feeling a little blue because the visit is coming to a close and it is going to be a long time before I see these folks again. We'll still be able to connect in the alt but seeing these friends in person is so much better!
==========================
Came across an email that my W sent me the other day but only discovered today that also has me feeling down. I may have mentioned previously that my W is planning a trip back east to see her parents and because both parents have reached a significant milestone this year, the entire family will be coming together for a celebration. In the email, W tells me that she has been reluctant to address this and knows it will make me feel bad, but she intends to go to this family event with the kids but does not want me to go.
Further, she thinks that we could tell the kids that I'm not able to make it, similar to times in the past. The problem though, is it's not true. She doesn't want me to go, period. And the notion that she wants to be deceptive with the kids also bothers me. Who does she think she is protecting? Me? The kids? Herself?
So this news really blows. It is yet one more indication that my W is intent on moving on and that just means that I have to accept that this is my reality and move on myself. I had hoped that we'd be able to work things out, but with an unwilling W, all I'm doing is beating my head against the wall and not allowing my heart to heal.
Gotta keep moving forward.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Don't start lying to your kids, 2tP. Once you start that, you've really lost your own integrity. Your kids need to know that you're the ONE person in the entire world, that will ALWAYS tell them the truth. They ESPECIALLY need to know that NOW.
If your wife doesn't want you to go, and this is her family's event, then I think you should honor her wishes. But I don't think you should lie to your kids about it. "I told your dad that I just needed some time by myself with my family right now, and so he's staying home this time" (or something similar) would be fine.
The only thing worse than lying to your own kids, in my opinion, is allowing your wife to dictate how and when you lie to them.
I was initially put in a similar situation and I am very glad that I chose to be honest with my boys. They know that it may not always be what they want to hear but they know that they will always get the truth from me. It has really encouraged a closer relationship with them.
hey 2. Glad you had a good getaway. I'd agree with above. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are being dishonest with your boys. They already know that you live somewhere else. Why make excuses for why you are not going on a family trip?
Hope you can brush off the fact that she wants to go without you. Lift your head up and have a full schedule & life while she's gone. Let the boys know you'll miss them and to have fun. The more you make a deal of this the bigger it will get so let it go for your own sake and keep moving forward. She'll stil have to deal with all of it for herself and she needs to.
Hope classes are going good for you!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
After careful consideration, below is how I responded to my W's email about the planned family event that she did not want me to attend:
"I would have liked to have gone. I love your family as if they were my own, probably more. But if you don't think it is a good idea for me to go, then so be it. I understand. I do think that we should not be misleading the boys. If you don't think it is a good idea for me to go, then tell the boys exactly that. I think we owe them that. Don't you?"
She hasn't responded to the email, but I know she has seen it. So that is done and I will live, regardless, with my integrity intact.
==========================
Yesterday was our 19 year wedding anniversary. I also had an early morning session with my IC and we discussed the anniversary, the email, my trip and then he noticed I wasn't wearing my ring any longer and was interested in what that was all about.
I told him that it is becoming more clear to me that W is not taking any steps to come closer to me so I need to take steps to move farther away. I had been thinking that I was keeping the road home smooth and paved by always being there to rescue my wife, but a friend explained that the road that needs to be smooth and paved is a different one than the one my W is currently on.
The road she is on needs to be full of bumps and potholes for her to ever see that the other road, (the smooth one back to a healthy marriage) is better than the one she is on now. My C also believes that there has been an awful lot of cake eating going on and that my W keeps asking for more frosting. It is pretty pathetic that I keep falling for it. But no more!
So back to the anniversary. I stopped by the house to take the boys swimming and W says "today is our anniversary!" "So it is," I reply. "It was a a great day!" she says. "Yes it was," I reply. And that was it. Nothing exchanged, nothing else said and it was the first day W saw me without my ring.
======================
During my little getaway which involved a 2 hour flight and some drive time, I got 3 calls. One was from a real estate broker calling to arrange an appointment to discuss me joining their team. One was from a former colleague who had a position that might be a fit. And the third was from a friend and former boss calling to inform me that she was starting fiscal 2013 budgeting and planning and wanted to get a copy of my resume.
It is amazing what happens when you stop paying attention and start getting on with your life!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It is amazing what happens when you stop paying attention and start getting on with your life!
2tp - that's wonderful that you are in this place. it seems as if even the slightest turning away brings all kinds of good things into the new space created.
happy for you that you got validated in that way by all those offers - now you have new possibilities to choose from
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
