Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers This is not looking good! (Long post...)

They call it the rollercoaster for a reason. Its ok to be negative and vent here -- that's what its for. Take it out here and not on W. You will feel better with time. Here's another exercise you can do:

Rate how you're feeling on a scale of 1-10. If you're a 2, ask yourself why you're better than a 1. Give yourself credit for that and celebrate the positive, never skip that step.

Next ask what you would be DOING if you were one number higher up the scale. Don't shoot for 10, just one number better. Then, start doing those things even though you don't feel like it. Evaluate yourself every Wednesday and keep a log. You'll see yourself improve although it may be two steps forward then one step back.

You need to keep the exercise about what you would be doing (not feeling) and not about what W would be doing. Give it a try

Accuray

Accuray - thank goodness I'm climbing out of my hole enough to scan the other posts (looking for advice). And boy there's lots of it here.

Thanks for your reply to mab1 - I'd actually forgotten this advice (it has been three years!)

Spot on and thanks!

Mac

mab1, you're in the initial panic stage now. it happened to me. i wanted an immediate fix to stop the pain and control the future.

i have abandonment issues, too. my parents got divorced when i was 5 so maybe, it's because my dad left the house.

i've been at this for months now and it does get better. but i still have sad days and days i cry.

i'm working on myself a lot and that helps. when i GAL, i see things that make me sad (like couples when i'm there as a single) but i try to move my focus to what's good and beautiful about the event.

in the beginning, i was sobbing almost non-stop. i'm retired so i had very little distraction. i couldn't eat, sleep, or think about anything else.

i went to my dr. and got anti-depressants, sleeping aids, and just a few weeks ago, some anti-anxiety medication.

all of it helps. do i have sadness and fear still? absolutely! but it's much less now. however as accuray says, when i get it, the intensity is still there but weakening.

some days, i even think a R with H would not be good. that's because i've grown and am really accepting responsiblily for my contribution to our sitch and i'm afraid he hasn't; at least, not enough for me to function at my best in a R with him.

so, really, this time apart is good for both of us. i'm growing and improving and he's growing and improving. his hostility towards me has lessened. his affection towards me is showing signs of increasing. he told me last week he feels closer to me.

i know you want this over with and back to how it was. but think about that. if it goes back to how it was, without growth on your part and hers, you'll be back here again.

as you're told in the beginning, you've been given the gift of time. use it wisely. live through this and get all you can from it. it will save your LIFE. in time, you'll be grateful for it.

Scared silly, that's a great post, you've come a long way. And mab, you can too but the only way through it is through it.

The pain won't kill you although it feels like it sometimes. Meditation helped me a lot with that and continues to help me with other things in my life.

Thanks everyone,

I'm still not 100% sold on taking anti-depressants. How they work was my wife's PhD topic and what isn't known about the process is quite worrying!
Scaredsilly, I know you are right about the need to grow and how only then can it be a better marriage. I keep telling myself the same thing, it just isn't penetrating my fog yet. It definitely isn't getting anywhere breaching my wife's fog!
Accuray, I'll get started on your exercise when I write in my journal tonight. I may have to write multiple scores down though as it seems to change on a hourly basis :-)

Let her worry about her fog, you can't control her, you can only control your thoughts and your actions.

Awesome post scaredsilly! Mab1, it will get better, her fog will lift, just not on your timeline. In many ways it's like toasting bread -- if you stare at the toaster it seems to take forever before it pops up.

If you push the lever down and then do something else, it pops up before you know it. Take a long term view and don't stare at the toaster!

mab1 - taking tablets is your choice (and by the sound of it you can make a very informed choice).

My 2c - I felt like taking them the first time this happened 3 years ago - got the things from my Doc - took one look and flushed the lot down the loo.

This time around - not even thinking about it. I know there's some good folks here who will help just as much, if not way more, than medication.

I'm NOT having a go at anyone who is, or is thinking of taking them - just my 2c.

And now back to page 3 of your sitch (so similar to mine - you're doing extremely well BTW - hang in there)

Mac

Ok this is tough. I'm sat at a bar next to the place where my wife works. So tempted to text and ask her for a drink

Must not drunk dial...