I took two days off from work and spent time with my kids. Arrangements have been made to spend even more time with them. I'm going over there tomorrow evening and seeing them.
I actually haven't abandoned my wife either. I have been over there making sure she has everything she needs. I brought groceries while she was at work, I did the laundry, the girls and I cleaned the house for her, I made plans to come over and cut grass.
My plans are to remain steadfast with who I became 3 years ago when my wife first had a, supposed emotional, affair. When I became a new man it stuck. I will remain that new man to show her it was not just for her - it was for me. So in showing this I will be the same loving, happy, caring, understanding gentleman as normal.
In other news:
My wife text me yesterday. She wanted to talk so we text back and forth for a little bit. She mentioned that she missed me and wanted me back in her life. She keeps saying that it wasn't her decision for me to leave and that the relationship with this guy is not like I think it is.
Here's my thing. I told her under no circumstances should she be talking or seeing this guy and if she did I would leave. The last time this happened she was texting dirty stuff back and forth with him. I saw it. I should have had the coconuts to leave then but I stuck with it. That was several years ago.
I told her last night that I'm tired of the lies, the cover ups, the foggy info. If I felt she was lying then the conversation was over. In a long text, I asked if what he was to her, had they had sex, was he supplying her drugs, etc.
And that's the other thing. I think I saw pot on our bedroom dresser right out in the open. It looked as though it was spilled accidentally. I didn't examine it but left it alone as I cleaned up other stuff and got some more clothes. She will not get her life back in order. She abandoned her NA, her 12 step program, her nursing license, and trying to regain a hold of herself. Over and over she kept telling me she didn't know what she wanted - a happy life with me or the crap she was doing and this other guy.
Last night she also text me saying she wants a happy life. Happy with herself. She said that if she could obtain that then everything else would fall into place. I told her that's what I've been saying all along. She agreed.
For the most part I've went dim though. I will not contact her directly. I will not go in the house when she is home. I will wait until she is gone. I've kind of made it as though I'm there in spirit. She still sees this man that I became several years ago, but she doesn't see me physically much.
Now yesterday morning I did sit outside with my daughter and dog in the shade and talked and played with them while my wife was getting ready for work. The cool thing is, I had on a new, nice shirt that looked pretty dang sweet on me and I was projecting only awesomeness. My wife came out to leave and I was leaning against my car. I smiled, waved and went back to talking to my daughter and playing with my dog.
We didn't finish our conversation last night. I went to a training race so we had to end it. I'm also training with some more friends tonight. We may not talk for a while if I have the choice. The wound is too fresh and I'm too happy right now. (How can I possibly say that? I can't believe it, but it's true.) I've dropped those last few "goal" pounds in just 3 days. I'm standing taller, I'm smiling more, I'm hanging out with my best friend every day, I'm not eating southern-cooked food, and I think I look great. Oh ... and I'm finally looking around and noticing women peer in my direction. That's a boost right there. Twice yesterday and once the day before at the library. My daughter and I checked out a few books. I want to read the first two James Bond novels.
More later.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I believe the issue of abandonment was only as it pertains to the legal aspects, not the emotional ones. You leaving the home may be construed legally as "abandonment" and may affect your custody and support status. That's all that they meant. Nobody here thinks you've abandoned anybody. It's just about the legal business stuff. We want you to protect yourself. GET LEGAL ADVICE ASAP>
I took two days off from work and spent time with my kids. Arrangements have been made to spend even more time with them. I'm going over there tomorrow evening and seeing them.
I actually haven't abandoned my wife either. I have been over there making sure she has everything she needs. I brought groceries while she was at work, I did the laundry, the girls and I cleaned the house for her, I made plans to come over and cut grass.
My plans are to remain steadfast with who I became 3 years ago when my wife first had a, supposed emotional, affair. When I became a new man it stuck. I will remain that new man to show her it was not just for her - it was for me. So in showing this I will be the same loving, happy, caring, understanding gentleman as normal.
In other news:
My wife text me yesterday. She wanted to talk so we text back and forth for a little bit. She mentioned that she missed me and wanted me back in her life. She keeps saying that it wasn't her decision for me to leave and that the relationship with this guy is not like I think it is.
Here's my thing. I told her under no circumstances should she be talking or seeing this guy and if she did I would leave. The last time this happened she was texting dirty stuff back and forth with him. I saw it. I should have had the coconuts to leave then but I stuck with it. That was several years ago.
I told her last night that I'm tired of the lies, the cover ups, the foggy info. If I felt she was lying then the conversation was over. In a long text, I asked if what he was to her, had they had sex, was he supplying her drugs, etc.
And that's the other thing. I think I saw pot on our bedroom dresser right out in the open. It looked as though it was spilled accidentally. I didn't examine it but left it alone as I cleaned up other stuff and got some more clothes. She will not get her life back in order. She abandoned her NA, her 12 step program, her nursing license, and trying to regain a hold of herself. Over and over she kept telling me she didn't know what she wanted - a happy life with me or the crap she was doing and this other guy.
Last night she also text me saying she wants a happy life. Happy with herself. She said that if she could obtain that then everything else would fall into place. I told her that's what I've been saying all along. She agreed.
For the most part I've went dim though. I will not contact her directly. I will not go in the house when she is home. I will wait until she is gone. I've kind of made it as though I'm there in spirit. She still sees this man that I became several years ago, but she doesn't see me physically much.
Now yesterday morning I did sit outside with my daughter and dog in the shade and talked and played with them while my wife was getting ready for work. The cool thing is, I had on a new, nice shirt that looked pretty dang sweet on me and I was projecting only awesomeness. My wife came out to leave and I was leaning against my car. I smiled, waved and went back to talking to my daughter and playing with my dog.
We didn't finish our conversation last night. I went to a training race so we had to end it. I'm also training with some more friends tonight. We may not talk for a while if I have the choice. The wound is too fresh and I'm too happy right now. (How can I possibly say that? I can't believe it, but it's true.) I've dropped those last few "goal" pounds in just 3 days. I'm standing taller, I'm smiling more, I'm hanging out with my best friend every day, I'm not eating southern-cooked food, and I think I look great. Oh ... and I'm finally looking around and noticing women peer in my direction. That's a boost right there. Twice yesterday and once the day before at the library. My daughter and I checked out a few books. I want to read the first two James Bond novels.
More later.
I think you have GAL down, and going dim is good. It's good that you set some boundaries as well.
Now...you're turning other women's heads....what's the kind of thing that turns your wife's head?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
So did you leave or did you not leave? From what I read you left. You are now staying somewhere else. Call it what you will. That is abandoning the home.
What is your plan here ?
p.s. Your emotions are going sky hi. So you will think you turn everyone's head right now. And when you talk to people your emotions are so fine tuned. They pick up on it. Nature of the beast at this moment. DO NOT DO SOMETHING YOU WILL REGRET.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Look all, I left. Yes ... I LEFT!!!! Call it what you will legally or otherwise. But I am not getting legal advice right now.
No, I don't know exactly what my wife will do in court - if it comes to that. I don't think it will. "You could be wrong." I'm not worried. "You should be." But I ain't.
We can contemplate all worse-case scenarios. But right now I left because my wife crossed a boundary we both agreed upon. I'm staying at a friends for the moment. I'm clearing my head. I feel fine.
My wife is texting me about meeting and talking. She wants to talk about "us." She asked if I thought it was over between us. I gave her no answer but told her we should talk about this in person not over some text service.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I heard that you were here again. I have been wondering how you were.
I was hoping that I would find you in a different place with this though.
WOW, a lot has changed since we last spoke. A lot of things that I think were brewing last year. At least with you.
Reading you, I get a mixed pot of emotions from you, and I think that you are spinning around, looking for someone to tell you that you did the right thing. Truth is, that only you can know the answer to that one buddy.
Will you find support here ?
Will you find people that understand you?
Will you find people that hurt with you ?
I will bet that you will, and you will find a lot of people that will have anger toward you for being the one who walked away.
I know that I will support whatever decision that you make, as long as I see peace from within you when you speak of it....
You are the one that has to be a peace with that decision.
And I don't think that you are........yet
You stated a boundary, you enforced it....nuff said...right ?
You were at peace with yourself enough to set the boundary, then you should be fine with either outcome....and I think that you are.
What I don't see, are some clear goals for what it is that you are working toward ???
You speak as if you are done, over, caput....
Then you speak of being there for her, and watching to see if she is hurting, or happy, etc...
Do you always run your races backward ????
Cause I do feel as though you are trying to forge forward while looking backward...
If I am wrong, please let me know...
So I ask you this...
What is it, that you want to see happen with this ???
Reconciliation ?
Divorce ?
Just a separation ?
Cause you are leading your future right now....you and you alone. Your wife should have very little to do with your decision.
As far as the legal stuff....
Don't be too hard on Starsky...although he may come across differently, he also cares about each and every poster that he interacts with. He has seen a LOT in his time here, and there aren't too many posters , whose advice I would rather follow.
He is spot on about the abandonment issue. By leaving the house, you did place yourself in an awkward legal position.
I would also recommend that you get some legal counsel in the near future.
I think that you should really think about what it is that you are working toward....
It really is good to see you posting again T...
I just want you to be 100% sure of any decision that you make..
I totally understand the legal aspect. I really do.
My goal is to still win my wife's heart. I have a piece of paper where I wrote out several things not to forget. It's between my iPhone and cover. I can see it through the logo hole on the cover. Whenever I touch the phone I rub the piece of paper and remind myself what it is I'm in it for. It's for eternity. I made a promise to my wife and I am sticking to that promise. But right now she needs to learn to stand and fight. Something she forgot how to do - because of me, her OM, her friends, and her family all enabling her.
I walked away to give her space. I went dim to see if she knew who I really was to her. It's painful as he77 right now, but I'm vigilant. I talk to my girls everyday about how I am and how they are and what are goals are together for my wife.
I tell them every day to love and support her like it may be their last day together. I want her to feel the love of her children like nothing else so she can see what she may be losing out on if she continues down this road of destruction.
I told them that I was stepping away physically - if only temporarily - to give her space that she wants. I tell them that I love her more than anything and I want to see her get clean. I smile and act cheerful around my children all the time. I also talk straight forward about what they are supposed to do even though I may not be around. As parents we gave them instructions on the house, their curfews, their attitudes and I tell them to adhere to it regardless - and not to undermine my authority even though I'm not home presently.
Again my main goal is to win my wife's heart fully and to renew our vows in the future. It's on my list in my phone and I repeat it to myself every day. Several times a day. It was my goal 3 years ago and still stands today. It also says don't try to change what you can't (my wife and her situation), but what you can (myself).
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
Again my main goal is to win my wife's heart fully and to renew our vows in the future. It's on my list in my phone and I repeat it to myself every day. Several times a day. It was my goal 3 years ago and still stands today. It also says don't try to change what you can't (my wife and her situation), but what you can (myself).
After finally getting alone and talking to my wife last night we may not be able to repair the damage. I found out a lot more than I thought I would and she's not sure what she wants for herself.
The wound is too new and too deep to know if I can forgive her and trust her ever again. Several times she asked, through heavy tears and sobbing, if it was over. Right now it is. I mean, c'mon ...
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
After finally getting alone and talking to my wife last night we may not be able to repair the damage. I found out a lot more than I thought I would and she's not sure what she wants for herself.
The wound is too new and too deep to know if I can forgive her and trust her ever again. Several times she asked, through heavy tears and sobbing, if it was over. Right now it is. I mean, c'mon ...
How bad was it? Would like some details and how are you doing? Has your discussions on the DB forum helped keep you more mentally grounded so you can handle this situation properly?
