Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to engage with your teenage D/S during this???

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Very good stuff

Ask her. The first response will be "I dunno". Don't push, let it sink in. Then ask again. Show interest in her and she'll respond. She wants to be a part of your life too.

And pay close attention to her. Surprise her by actually keeping track of all the social drama that is likely part of her life. For guys the social drama seems so inane and pointless. But for teenager girls it's their universe. Where guys compare the engines in their cars or their level in Call of Duty, girls compare relationships, number of them, width of them, and status of them. Thus they are very important to her. Show and interest in her and she'll reciprocate.

Rick,

With my son, we continued a ton of the stuff that he was interested in as a child.

Lego's, puzzles, etc...

It wasn't easy, if I asked him, he would usually say no, but if I was already involved in the project, he often would join in.

We also watched some TV together, and yes, I have seen way too many shows I didn't want to see, but if I found something interesting, I would ask him to sit with me, sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn't.

I found that making plans for myself (even if the plans were more geared toward him) and inviting him to join, but doing it either way, was a way to get him involved. If I tried to make plans with him, it didn't work so well.

I do the same with my BF's kids and it seems to be working a bit. Although we are forging different relationships...

I want to go horseback riding and while I got "maybe I will ride" from one and "ehhh" from the other, they will probably go and I won't be surprised if one of them ends up loving it.

cat and WHG raise a good point, while you might ask what she wants to do and once you have a few answers (maybe, maybe not) plan to do it and then invite her along. Again maybe she'll go, maybe not but keep planning things, being consistent is a key with teens as well as WASs.

Cooking is my favorite inter-generational bonding. That you do that with your D, Rick, is beyond cool and so you're already ahead of the game.

My S14 likes to pick out his own food, so late-night grocery trips just me & him are fun.

I also try to listen really hard and do something that he will appreciate without making a huge deal about it. Ex: he is frequently annoyed with the messy van when I drive his friends around. For the 3-hr roadtrip to his camp this week, I cleaned everything out and went through a wash & vacuum place, and put a vanilla air freshener in. Before the end of the trip he said, hey mom, thanks for cleaning the car. He knows I love him that way and he loves me back by acknowledging it.

We also share a love of gum. I'll buy as much of any random latest-thing gum that he's into as he wants. Silly, but just something to have in common with him.

So my daughter is a little older now. When she was 14 she was going through a lot of issues about who/what she was. Conventional society, her mother and I did not contribute positively to her perception of herself. Avoid that, use your DB skills and find ways to genuinely praise her. Find ways to build her self esteem. We all like to do things because we are relatively good at them and those accomplishments provide us with positive feedback, become part of that.

Find things to do that she sees value in. Teach little skills she will see value in. We just recently painted a couple of rooms. She did one, I the other. She is self aware enough to see where she could have done a better job. There is no need for me to point it out. What I did point out is what went right, what she takes pride in.

There is a toilet valve to change, she’ll do it. I’ll give advice and kibitz. She can dive a manual shift, change her own tires, knows how oil and filter are changed, knows how to jumpstart a car. These are all little skills that improve her opinion of her self reliance. I know this is beyond the norm for popular society, but each of my children have hunted and prepped small game for consumption.

I was very proud (and expressed it) of her after she negotiated the purchase of her latest vehicle by herself on her own initiative.

I have to laugh “Zombie Apocalypse” as I now know the rules of survival like double tap, seatbelts, and cardio. Interestingly enough she and I have been to the range, and she is asking for return trips as learning to shoot a rifle and pistol is fun. We joke with each other that these will become important skills when the ZA occurs.

She is headed to morph a con, and I know more about the Power Rangers than I thought possible. Along with that, The Avengers, Hunger Games, Dr Who, Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood. We mourned the passing of Bradbury recently. She is interested in watching SOA since learning the base storyline is Shakespearian in nature.

IMO it is all a matter of finding how their interests mesh with your own and helping them build their self esteem along the way.

This is so awesome. My D finally came out of her cave. We talked a bit about the pool and how hot it was today. While she was making herself something to eat I thought of what you guys have suggested. So I did it. I asked if she would teach me how to play the guitar. She said "sureeeeeee" and smiled. I almost fainted. She said a guitar is about 300$ not a good one but good enough to learn. She has like six very good ones but I guess she won't lend me one. I'm ok with that guess I will pick one up tomorrow. And she said I don't need to learn how to read music. What a relief have problems with reading English already. Oh I asked electric or acoustic she said acoustic:( really wanted an electric one with an amplifier and a million watt speakers oh well

craigslist...used guitar. Electric is easier to learn on than acoustic bc you don't have to press so hard. And if you get a cheap electric and don't plug it in...voila, acoustic.

But that's awesome that you tried it and got such a great response!

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Ad just made offers on a Couple of Fenders. One 75 and the other 125. One of my workers is a musician and is helping me:) All good