Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers This is not looking good! (Long post...)

All this is definitely off the conversation topic list for a good while yet! I don't think I have any choice but to implement the lrt so for me to start discussions such as this is off limits anyway.
She did bring up the child issue in or last conversation but it was just used as a way of trying to convince me she was gone, "kids would have been the end of me and I never would have between able to leave if we'd had a child, because I would have felt too guilty."

Quick question: my wife has taken my work parking permit so she can park at work over the weekends. She can get her own but never bothered as we just shared. Now, it is a problem because I need it for work too. Should I cancel it and get a new one without telling her? Her car will get clamped for sure which would be tough love but not very nice. Or should I just ask for it back politely and make things easy for her? I err on the side if the second option but feel it is being a bit too 'nice'.

Also, after the slightly petty nature of the last question, a muchbigger one. How often do mlc/waws actually come back?

i can't answer the second question but i can't understand "tough love" that would get one's wife's car clamped.

how do you think she would feel about you should you do that to her and know the outcome of such an action? would it bring her closer to you?

if you are looking for her to "come back", that's not an action i would take. there's nothing wrong with being "nice". no one on here advocates being a doormat but being nice is just the way we should treat everyone, especially, some one we profess to love.

just my opinion.

Thanks scaredsilly, you wrote exactly what I'm thinking but I've been getting all sorts of advice and it's hard to sort wheat from chaff sometimes!

I need to email her stuff about bills and insurance details. How should I go about it if I'm carrying out the LRT? Should I just keep it very business like? I feel absolutely miserable writing it!

Mab1,

Who is advising you that tough love is the way to go? She resents you already, why would resenting you more help? She views you with a black storm cloud over your head, you certainly don't want to make that worse by punishing her. The goal is to change that impression, pave the way home for her. You do that by being happy, confident, and addressing the issues that bothered her.

LRT is short for "The Last Resort Technique" -- it's what you do when nothing else has worked. I don't know that you've tried giving space and time yet, so the LRT may be premature. Why don't you wait a few weeks before trying LRT? Give her space and apply a friendly co-worker standard.

You should definitely e-mail her about logistics, but keep it pleasant and to the point. No talk of your changes, no talk of the relationship, no talk about how either of you are feeling, but be pleasant!

In terms of how often do WAW's actually come back, the answer of course, is "it depends". It depends on how bad things got before they walked, or how deep the scars are from the marriage. It depends on how well the LBS is able to stick to DB, make changes, and not backslide. It depends on how patient the LBS can be, it may take a LONG time, up to 2 years! Finally it just depends on the personalities involved, sometimes there really is nothing you can do -- there are no guarantees.

DB is really the "least worst" option in an incredibly difficult situation. It's great virtue is that it works sometimes -- the other approaches never work, and that's what makes this one the best. In my opinion, the BEST element of DB is that it focuses on YOU. If you can get educated about how to realistically make a relationship successful and can improve on your own shortcomings, you're going to have happier relationships going forward whether WAW comes back or not. For me, that's what makes it worth it.

FWIW, my WAW did come back, although it wasn't a tearful reunion where everything is suddenly better. It continues to be a challenge and continues to require work, but IMO it's worth it.

Accuray

If someone told you if you walk across a bead of hot coals and your M would be saved

Would you do it?

Well that isn't the game here. It is walking over a bead of hot coals with no guarantees.

Now would you?

If I told you only 1% of WAS's come back would you get busy working on being in the 99% or the 1%?

You really want to know is if you sacrifice (and it will feel like a scarifice for a while)will I get what I want?

That thinking is what got you both here.

"for better or worse."

Nice words to say but most people really don't have the stomach for it.

There is no one to count on here but you. You are the only thing you control.

So what Accuray said: DB focuses on you.

So let's do that.

Are you the man you have always aspired to be?

Thanks guys. I'm finding it really tough to stay positive and hopeful especially in light of biased but well meaning advice from friends and family and the regular injections of "I'm done" which I seem to be getting from my wife. The email I had to send about bills and stuff also hasn't helped much because it just seemed so depressingly final.

Do her actions suggest that the LRT isn't appropriate? She moved out, she's getting a flat, wants separate lives, is full of anger at me and says she isn't bothered if I move abroad? I'll give her plenty of time and space for now but I think it will only serve to focus her anger on me for 'putting her in this position'.

Just went to see Prometheus, talk about being full of symbolism regarding beginnings & endings. I'm not sure "in the cinema noone can see you falling to bits" is a tag line they really hoped for but it certainly fit in my case! I started during the dark knight trailer, which we are both looking forward to and then got worse through the film.

As for being the man I aspired to be, I've never really aspired to do anything for myself. I wanted a good marriage, a nice house somewhere warm and a loving family. I thought I was 1/3 of the way there but I think I'm rapidly sliding back to square 1. Career-wise I still have no idea and I'm now in my late 30's. I definitely put myself on the back burner to support my wifes aspirations but I didn't really mind that. Maybe all this is a large part of the issue...

OK, major update. I just got into her email. I know I shouldn't have looked but her password was saved in my laptop, came up. and I couldn't resist She hasn't met someone else but is definitely blaming me for everything. I was turning her into a bitter cynic, making it hard to see her parents, I didn't take the breakup well. She didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it but has decided it is the right thing to do. She was really looking forward to the future and knows it is the right choice. Joking that she thought that I thought we were on the mend. Is planning trips abroad and is looking forward to being single again and meeting the next love of her life.

And here I am wondering how I need to change to improve our relationship and how I should phrase an email regarding the bills she needs to pay and crying every 30 minutes.

I AM SO ANGRY I COULD PUNCH HOLES IN THE WALL!!! AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!