H and I have been married 10 years, together for 13, much of it good. The short version is I used to be fairly sarcastic and critical; he was much more passive and sensitive. Those things didn't mix well, especially as the years went on. We adopted 2 children in 2004 (my step-nephews, as my stepsister had passed away), which was MUCH more difficult AND rewarding than I ever could have imagined. Looking back I'm sure I became depressed, and was at its worst in 2007. I was in denial about it however, and didn't do a whole lot about it. During this time our sex life struggled, as one would expect. H became very unhappy with his job and started seeing a counselor. It apparently led to discussions about how he was also unhappy with our M. He asked me to join him, I refused, partly because I didn't think I needed help, partly b/c I thought his C was creepy and incompetent. Through the year or so he went to this C, he convinced himself that I was the one that wanted a D, which was not at all the case. What I DID get out of him going to the C, was that I cut out nearly ALL my criticisms, big or small and started showing more appreciation toward him and initiated nearly all the sex for over a year. He did make some positive changes in himself...he is now much more health conscious and less sensitive (tries not to take EVERYTHING personally, which he was king of years ago) and he now loves his job again.
Big fight happened on 1/1/12 and it was like an alcoholic's epiphany for me. I FINALLY got it. I saw with crystal clarity how much our M was in trouble. I agreed to seek counseling. We went a few times together, but those sessions did not go well. I found a solution-oriented therapist and got a lot out of those 6 sessions, though she was a little odd too, talked a lot about herself. Our last argument (actually it involved him yelling at me and me sitting quietly listening to him---advice I found from a different book before I discovered MWD) was 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Basically he wants out. He says he has completely emotionally disconnected from me and doesn't know if he can ever "come back".
Other complicating factors and points of interest: We live where my husband works. It's a requirement of his job. If anyone were to move out it would have to be me, and I am in no way ready to do that.
I discovered he was having an EA with an old GF via emails. And another one with a co-worker, who is no longer working with him. I confronted him with my evidence and it all stopped. Until I discovered it started up again a couple months ago (the email one). I don't think he knows that I know.
His past complaints about me: Controlling, too harsh with the kids, too negative, undermining him when he tried to discipline the kids, we have both had trouble whenever visiting the other's family. I have pretty much stopped all of this stupid behavior.
He says that us being together "doesn't make sense". And geez, when I list out all the bad things that have happened in our M, it certainly looks that way. However, I could write for days on all the ways we DO make sense. I know I can't convince him of that right now. I have stopped pursuing, with a few minor slips. I have started going out with co-workers for happy hour once a month, I'm trying to exercise more and have planned a 3-day trip to New York City with my cousin. I have also taken on an entirely new outlook on my own job and I am enjoying it more than I have in years. I feel like I am doing a lot of the right things.
I think I need this forum to keep myself reminded of the steps to follow and to learn to be PATIENT. I decided to order some telephone coaching as well. I am looking forward to getting that scheduled.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
Have my first telephone session scheduled with Laurie on Friday. Really looking forward to talking with her.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
I'm also looking for advice on how to detach. This is BY FAR the hardest part for me. There have not been any ILYs or kisses hello/goodbye (mostly...with one or two odd exceptions) since May 3rd.
He has a lot going on in his family right now. His grandmother is dying (no one in his family is very fond of her) and his sister is nearing the end of her high-risk pregnancy.... he is inevitably going to have to travel 6-8 hours in the next few weeks for a funeral and/or a birth. Before this year, I know we would do nearly anything possible to make the trip together with our kids. I told him on the phone today that whenever "things" happen, if he wants me to go to the funeral with him, I can make it happen or if he wants to go alone I can make it happen too. I then said I would like to go to meet the new baby if it's possible. Later this evening when we were both off work we had a decent convo about grandparents in general and I said I had been thinking and that whatever happens in the next couple weeks, he needs to do what he needs to do for his family and not to let my schedule interfere with his travels (meaning I'm going on my own trip at the end of the month and not to let my being out of town stop him from going). It was heartbreaking for me to say that, as I do want to be there after the baby is born, but I thought this was one way to detach....To let him be there for his family no matter what my feelings about the matter are. Am I correct in this?
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
Hi Jen. Welcome to the forums, one of the best places to be in the hardest of times
I think you found a lot of the things you already needed to figure out. It sounds like space and time is the thing you really need to give right now, along with patience. That doesn't mean you have to "let" him have an affair. To the contrary, I don't think that will help in the least. But how you approach is very important right? Listening. Caring. Patient. I think that's the right approach based on what you said so far.
Keep your chin up. None of us are perfect, but striving to be better is what sets us apart from the mushrooms...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Had a great talk with Laurie on Friday and I have been referring back to the notes I took from that conversation many times in the last 3 days. We actually had a very pleasant weekend, so the idea of divorce seems so very odd and foreign to me. Just a really strange choice. But I am staying very calm and patient and not pressuring anything. On Friday morning he asked if we could talk about our relationship. I'm not sure what he has to say will be good or bad and it does me no good to try to guess, but rather try to be prepared for one way or the other. He said this before he knew I had a call to make. He doesn't know I was talking to a DB coach, but when I said I would be gone for an hour because I had to make a phone call, I described it as a "personal development" phone call (my 11 year old son was sitting there). He has always been supportive of me talking to a therapist, so I'm hoping he recognizes that I am still doing something for myself.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
Ok this may not find its way out of moderation in time but going to try. Since he brought up wanting to "talk about our R" last Friday there has been no time to do this. My question now is do I start this convo or do I wait for him to do it? My instinct is to wait for him to bring it up again and for me to try to change the venue. Maybe go for a walk and talk instead of sitting on the couch or in the bedroom where most of these conversations and /or arguments have occurred. And I plan to stay calm no matter what he says and not debate or defend myself.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
He will bring it up again if he needs to, I dont think you should bring it up.
Your dynamic with your H was very similar to mine along with many of the woman on these boards. Work on yourself.
You have found the right place so much earlier in your sitch then I did, I think it will help a lot.
Change your time frame for solving your relationship issues. Make it a 2 year goal and then break that up into smaller pieces. Unfortunately this will take much longer then you want it to.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Hi Jen. It sounds like you are off to a good start in terms of knowledge and having reached out to Laurie already.
I think your instinct about not bringing up the R talk is good and changing the venue is a great idea. Would suggesting taking a walk (not necessarily talking) be a 180 for you? That might be a nice activity to do anyway.
Are you seeing an IC yourself right now? If H is supportive of it, it can't hurt to have more than 1 resource right now (and he doesn't have to know you are doing IC AND DB coaching).
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. This is a really difficult time to stay focused but that's why we're all here. Keep posting and eventually you'll get out of moderation.
