Oh, and I also said I thought of this as an opportunity not an ending. She said she agreed but we had to live separate lives and if it happened in future then so be it.
What a morning! Went to get legal advice earlier. Basically, they said don't worry too much about divorce yet. Cut the mortgage payments to repayment only. After selling the house, costs, fees etc we'll walk away from our marriage with about 10000 each. I guess looking on the bright side and regarding some of the storiesposted on here that's actually a great result.
Then I came home to find her car in the drive. Deep breath, stay calm.
She was really angry when I came in as I've moved all her junk, sorry personal possessions, into a small bedroom. As a result she claimed I had packed her away and was living happily in our nice house and it wasn't fair. Even though she has now realised she has to face the consequences of her actions. Actions which it nows look like meaning she could well be homeless for a month but is that my fault? I stupidly caved and offered her space for that period but she said she didn't think it would work.
The conversation basically went, me to her, "how are you?". Her to me (cue tears), "me, me, me, me, me, me, me. We are fundamentally different, so I'm done. Me, me, me, me, me, me." For every me in there please insert a cliched WAS justification statement as she basically wrote off our marriage and relationship. She said she didn't want to go to MC and I told her I wasn't going to email anyway. She said we had to live separate lives and if that meant me moving to somewhere I actually wanted to live then I should do it (I always wanted to leave the country and she stopped me because of her family/job). Still no talk about divorce! She was playing with her now empty ring finger a lot. She is still very much in the fog. I was calm, didn't push anything. The hardest bit was that she said she knows I'm a nice guy and that she knows that she could make it all stop (she is having panic attacks and almost blacked out the other day) by coming back but doesn't want to. She has decided she has to find herself and maybe there's a possibility in the future but we can't base our lives on it. She feels really guilty but this is all about her. We never thought about our relationship enough and now she is going to work on herself. It's not being strong but she knows it's right. I said OK, do whatever you've got to do, helped her take her stuff out, we had a couple of kisses, I said give me a call because I'm not going to contact you and then she got in her car and drove off. It's not even lunchtime yet and I'm ready to crawl back into bed!
Yeah, she tested you and you failed. Next time, just let her flail around. Do not try to cushion her fall by defending yourself or trying to reason with her.
sounds like you did well, given the circumstances. it's so hard when the pull the rug out from all your hopes...again.
i feel for you. the WAS resists coming home so much. to me, it's as if they have to prove they're right, at all costs, even if it's a better marriage to the LBS.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I don't think you failed mab1, overall you handled that quite well! You didn't get defensively, didn't get pulled into an argument, and didn't pursue.
I believe what HollyAnn is referring to is a "fitness test". If you can walk all over your spouse and they do whatever you tell them no matter how unreasonable, you lose respect for your spouse, the relationship becomes unbalanced and you feel both unsafe and dissatisfied. In those situations the dominant spouse will often make unreasonable demands as a "fitness test" to see if you will stand up for yourself and push back. In those scenarios you often think that doing what they ask for will make them happy when actually the opposite is true.
I don't see that dynamic going on here but you would know better. I wouldn't overthink things at this point in any case.
One thing I do want to keep you focused on -- your wife was unhappy for a long time and her needs were not being met. She is giving you signs that she is very conflicted and I think you have a good chance of getting her back. If she comes back and you haven't internalized her complaints and worked on yourself that will be a loss for both of you.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks all. I've just spent the the last two hours sorting out bills to put them in my name. Thinking back the biggest mistake I made was mentioning I had just been to the solicitors regarding the house and who pays for things. I know I shouldn't have said anything as it will just have added fuel to the fire but it slipped out whilst she was talking about changing the bills etc.
As for her complaints, it's a bit difficult to focus on what she's unhappy with at the moment, it changes day to day. One week I'm the biggest monster ever and today I'm a nice guy who doesn't need to change that much but it wouldn't matter because it's all about her.
Meantime, I have my family saying get out asap and a blank calender to fill for the next 18 months till I need a new job!
Don't worry, she has pointed out plenty of cringeworthy things and I'm certainly going to be working on them both in and out of IC! A lot of them have to do with me trying to be 'Mr Nice Guy' and then bottling everything up until I become extremely grumpy combined with self esteem problems. I look back on some of the ways I acted and really don't like what I see. As a result I want to change those things for myself not just for her.
Putting those things out here on the board helps others know what's going on in the dynamics of the R. We can point out when you're falling back to those ways of thinking/acting.
Although I guess that might be an argument for not sharing them.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Labug, I don't think you should let yourself off the hook that easily. Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? If not, read it right away.
I posted this to roughenough:
The book "His Needs, Her Needs" talks about the 10 most important emotional needs that people have in marriage:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
The trap that many of us get into is that we do an excellent job providing for the needs that we most value, and neglect the ones we do not. If your spouse happens to value a different set, then you're heading for trouble.
Some of these will be MOST valuable to your spouse, filling them will make them feel most loved, and will cause major problems if they're not met, but NONE of them can be neglected or resentments will build up and eventually overshadow the good.
I would evaluate yourself on all 10 -- how important is each one to W, how well do you do fulfilling it? Note that affection is not foreplay, it's creating a climate of affection that does not lead to the bedroom.
VERY IMPORTANT: Do not discuss with W, don't work with her on your plans. Don't tell her about any of this, just start living it. She'll notice, don't point it out. Pointing it out makes it look like "an act" staged for her benefit. That's not what you want.
One of the best things you can do through this crisis is to really understand on the list above which needs are the most important, critical things to W, and then figure out what YOU need to do to provide for that going forward. Even if things don't work out with W, having this knowledge will help you in any future relationships that you have.
"The Five Love Languages" is an excellent book and will give you good perspective on this.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
