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Losing your SK's is hard. Your W's family not caring about you is hard, too. I've gone through it. But, you know what? If that's how they are, you're better off without them in you life.

I've come to ENJOY the absence of their stuff; dependency, using me, financial obligations...it's liberating!

Should H and I R, my relationship with all of them will be more distant and less involved and that will be just fine with me!

Hey Rick!

When I read that again with the spacing and lol's I should have worded that a bit better. My sense of humor isn't for all either at times a little levity keeps me going sometimes.

If I could edit I should have said:

<joke> "But hey, look at the bright side at least she won't be banging the OM for the next 6 weeks! lol <joke>

New Paragraph

Could this possibly get more exciting/any better? roflmao

And I didn't complete my thought there. What I meant by that is, not only do I have the standard sitch recovery to deal with. From what I have been reading a hysterectomy wreaks havoc in many ways with most women e.g. messes with their emotions/hormones/sets off depression etc. So in short, I'm laughing at the fact that somehow, my sitch got significantly harder by nothing of my own doing this time.

I hate that my W is going through this, and I want to be there for her, but she doesn't want me there. Our exchanges have been amicable for months but that makes no matter, she has chosen not to see me since Valentines day.

Taken as written I agree, that came off as quite crass hopefully above gives it more context.

I have been seeing a counselor, who's advice similar to all of my friends and family is to move on. She is helpful but in all honesty it is more of me venting than anything else. I'm sober, career is going well, and I'm GAL and working on myself daily. Outside of this sitch, and my sarcastic/off color sense of humor I'm doing pretty well.

Thanks for your feedback Rick I'm glad to see you are doing well!

It's still not funny.

Thanks scaredsilly :-)

I agree with you wholeheartedly... I'll even take it a step further and say my W really falls into that category too. Logically speaking, I would be better off without any of them in my life, it is much easier when you only have to worry about being responsible for yourself.

The guys in my class put me on blast last night saying that I'm too nice of a guy and given what has transpired that I shouldn't be doing anything for my W and stepkids. That's easier said than done because I still love them. That is the frustrating thing that keeps me spinning. I will always love my stepkids as they are great and have never done anything to hurt me. On the other hand I have been my W's emotional pinata for the last year, and it makes no sense that I still love her given everything that I have been through, but I still do...

Broken it does not give it more context. See, it is hard to understand why you want to reconcile with some one who you speak so low of? You can edit and re-write things all you want. But I have been reading your sitch since you started posting and I see the pattern. You have not changed how you think of your W. And you did not answer my question. What is you view of counseling and counselors. You don't have to answer if it is too difficult or complicated.

Hey bug!

Man do you guys seriously find that offensive? My W sometimes didn't care for my sense of humor but generally people enjoy it!

1) I caught my wife in an affair with another man
2) I fight for my marriage tooth and nail and go through living hell for 9 months trying to fix things with my W.
3) After my W reaches out to me 3 weeks ago for support with her sister on her death bed, she comes out with the thought that she may be falling in love with this OM. Yet she comes to me for support instead of him.
4) She has a hysterectomy and factually can't be sexually active for at least 6 weeks.

And I joke "But hey, look at the bright side at least she won't be banging the OM for the next 6 weeks! lol

And that's not funny? C'mon lighten up people, if you can't laugh at this nonsense it will drive you crazy!!! Humor is oftentimes the best medicine I hear :-)

Broken,

I've been following your sitch on and off. Though you've come some way since the beginning, I feel that you still have a ways to go.

First of all, I commend you on your 18 day streak of no contact! I understand it's not an easy thing to do. And it doesn't mean that your recent contact means the end of the streak. It just means you can start over.

Now I'd like to swing some 2x4's your way. The benefit of text or email exchange is that you can think about how to respond, or if to respond at all. From reading your conversation exchanges, I sense that you didn't think before you typed and reacted to her messages.

You are still trying to "force" your way into her life.

You want to be needed and wanted. You're having a hard time, because you're not getting what you want.

You are still trying to convey in your messages that you are a "great husband".

In your last TM exchange, you were forcing yourself to go visit her and take care of her. Most of us don't want to see our loved ones hurt and want to take care of them, but if that's not what they want, then don't push it. You may not see it, but I sense some passive aggressiveness in your responses.



I know you explained the above quote a bit, but it's still not funny.

You still keep talking about how YOU have to "overcome" and deal with the sitch. HOW and WHY is your W's hysterectomy and its side effects YOURS to deal with?

Yes, it's very hurtful when we care about someone, but don't get the same in return. But it is what it is. You need to accept that you can't change what she's feeling right now.

My suggestions:

- re-read articles on detachment
- don't pursue (initiating contact is NOT the only way to pursue someone; it also happens in your responses)
- if W messages you, keep it short
- don't respond to all TM's
- don't send pictures
- THINK about how you're going to respond
- start a new no-contact streak (if it breaks, start another one!)
- continue to GAL
- continue to working on yourself
- think about what qualities you have to offer (this is not about money, successful career, looks, great sex, or whatever)
- continue to post here and listen to what people have to say, even if you may not agree with some of it

Take care!

Hi Rick,

I do see a counselor (CSW/Therapist), generally twice a month last time two weeks ago, who suggests that given everything that has transpired and my W's demeanor/behavior since the sitch started, her recommendation is for me to move on.

What I find hard to understand is how that joke is "speaking low" of my wife? I'm making light of a ridiculous situation, that's really it. Maybe some find that in poor taste, I don't.

My W has had a tough life. She has done well for herself and children given the hand she was dealt and the way she played some of her cards. I respect her for that and it's one of the reasons why I married her.

If I had anything but love for my wife my actions would be totally different. I am not putting myself through this for the hell of it or because it's fun, I've been putting myself through it because I love my W and stepkids. If I were to cut bait and quit I would have a much easier road ahead of me with eligible ladies waiting in the wings should I choose that route, but since I love my W I leave the door open for her to reconsider.

I'll plead guilty for a slightly off color joke though ;-)

Thank you again keeping up with my sitch and feeding back I always appreciate your views and questions.

Your W had a hysterectomy....a medical procedure that required a hospital stay and pain. You said yourself that from the picture she sent you that she didn't look well.

Seeing her unwell makes YOU feel better that she won't be able to go have fun with someone else. To the rest of us, you taking gain in her pain seems kinda low. But hey, you're entitled to your opinion.

Broken, I read this whole thread. Here's my 2 x 4.

You have a lot of work to do and a long way to go, still.

You sound angry. You talk of her with some contempt but really don't seem to see it. That's very unfortunate.

Your "love" for her is pretty much about what YOU want and need. Oh, and The reason your comment about her hysterectomy was "inappropriate" is b/c it was both nasty and self centered. Period.

When you talk with her you nearly always have a request of her. Something YOU want to do or NEED to do or say. Stop that.

You argue FOR the marriage, AND OR against whatever she is doing if it does not involve reconciling with you, and you show your neediness at every turn.
She reacts in an honest but polite way to you. But you hurt so

Then you go dark and are proud of that. Going dark IS better than pressuring her the way you do

but it's too bad you see no other options. I think that's the main overrall problem.

With you it's all or nothing. Things go your way or you go dark...and she knows it.

What possible evidence does SHE have that you are really different? And I don't mean words and I sure don't mean money. I mean what are you DOING that is so different?

You gloss over your cheating and then you IMMEDIATELY took up with an OW. How on earth would that look to your w? Despite her affair weren't you trying to prove your love and committment to her and the kids?

And ironically you also met your w the MONTH your first divorce was final.

You go from one to another. Never resting to look in the mirror and work on the one person you DO have control over; you.

You make a big deal about this being the first time you've been alone in over a decade. Um, the word that screams out to me for that, is "co-dependent".

See the work you have to do on yourself as the empowering gift it can be.

Not a burden - but a "To Do" list for your life to improve.