The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
PH, Most of the time, the advice and threads are a good place to start, but I disagree a bit w/Cadet on the lengthy assignment <g>.
In this instance, with a new baby on the way, leave the H on his merry way and take care of yourself and the baby and do not worry about what his merry way is.
Worry about all the rest of this, if you do, after you come up for air.
I am sending good energy your way.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
PH, My situation was similar to yours, and my heart goes out to you. Although X didn't leave when I was pregnant, he emotionally withdrew and abandoned me during that time, and left when D was only 14 months old (after several months of treating me horribly). He was also horrible to me when I was in labor.
(((hugs)))
You are going to need to let him be so you can concentrate on yourself and take care of yourself. Do you have adequate support? Gather your troops. Make sure you are surrounded with heartfelt and kind people. Find out about parent groups in the area so you can make new friends, particularly with other single moms if possible. I socialized only with women for a long time, and it was a good decision for me.
I am so lucky, I have my mum who is doing all the kids taxi-ing at the moment! I have a group of genuine, loving and caring friends, and we have plans in place, for all possible situations! I have friends who even live far away who are going out of their way to see us (me and kids) and continually check up on us. One B(est)F is someone who I met at my first post natal group 10 years ago! A couple of my friends are single mums.
Also, if you can, make arrangements to have some sitters come after baby arrives so you can breathe and take care of yourself
I've got plenty of offers!:D
If I were doing it again, I would not have allowed X to attend the birth as his presence was upsetting to me and did affect things medically.
I will text DH one time to let him know I am in labour and then the ball is in his court. My mum will otherwise be there and a couple of friends are in place to look after my other two. I do want DH to be there, I am as sure as I can be that his presence won't adversely affect me. I think it was maybe worse for you because at that time you weren't aware of what was going on with your X, and was confused and upset at his mental and emotional cruelty of you. I am so sorry.
Your sadness can affect your baby. You may need to leave him in the dust so you can concentrate on your health.
I know! I've been having additional checks with the mid-wife because of the situation. Amazingly, even with everything going on, this has remained to date (touch wood) the most comfortable pregnancy - not even any swelling, or rise in blood pressure! All tests are good and more importantly baby is also checking out quite happily!
My situation, as you can see in my signature, has had a series of twists and turns. I am the one with the friends, the good new guy, the happy D, and the positive life now.
GOOD for you!! It's strange, or maybe not given the horrible behaviours of both our spouses leading up to the bombs, it's currently quite nice without the pressure of him being here too. I feel in more control and at peace. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I am not as sad or depressed as I thought I would be. I think it's more at the moment the effect on the kids and lack of consideration for them that is driving my anger and sadness.
And OW? Long gone. You have to figure that anyone who is selfish enough to intrude on a guy when his W is pregnant is thoroughly selfish indeed. Proved to be exactly the kind of person I expected.
I've definitely got that!
My impression is that few OPs last long, and if they do, they make life unhappy for the MLCer.
As far as the "friends..." you may be surprised. I kept all the friends. X, in his selfishness, couldn't be bothered to contact friends, and the few he did contact were disgusted w/OW and w/him.
I am so sad though how many people (albeit not my friends) seem to have bought favourably into their actions, instead of thinking about the poor kiddies in the middle. I very stupidly contacted his best friends, because he'd seemed to have cut them off, out of genuine concern for his mental health to ask them to be there for him and now he's got everyone he wants on his side, and they are all patting him on the back!
Now he is alone, ill, and dealing with New Woman, who is dying.
I don't relish this--in fact it saddens me in some ways--but people make their choices in life.
I know. I don't wish bad things on anyone, but sometimes they are the natural consequences of the choices people make and ultimately they have to live that.
It's reading Divorce Remedy that lead me to the forums! A good book, I have read a couple of times over in the very few weeks of having it! Problem is I can't find it now! I keep hiding it when I know DH is back, I am sure it's hidden somewhere logical!
Thank you for the links, I will definitely get to them, it's going to take some time, like forward said I am more pre-occupied at the moment with the baby and the kids. I am following most of the advice, I don't ask questions, DH initiates most of the conversations,even though I keep a pleasnat, aopne and friendly face when he is here. I certainly don't get myself in knots over him. I have too many "important" things to think about, which don't actually centre around DH! :p
I agree with how things will be percieved by DH as controlling. I have never controlled him (in fact the more I reflect the more I realise how controlling he was of me!) I never have been and have gone out of my way to ensure I can't be accused of being so now. (Well I can be accused of it, but I know it is not the case!) An example is where a friend suggested I make it clear he is not to contact OW whilst in my presence. I can't do that, that would be controlling. He has to make the decision to either be considerate and respectful of me or not. He is choosing not so that says more about him in his present state than me!
I want to also add, just in case people are concerned that I am not keeping matters private. I have a small group of friends that know the situation. I have not even told people (other than the head teacher and the kids class teachers) of the situation, as I will do so when I am ready to disclose after the baby's birth. Then the bare facts will be disclosed, I will not be spilling my guts to all and sundry! My friends know because they are my support mechanism for the baby's arrival, for the kids and for me. These are friends I trust to support whatever decisions I make without trying to persuade me to do what they think I should do.
Penny, The edit capability was disabled quite a while ago. I do not know when, if ever, it will be restored. As for PMing folks, that capability has never worked on this forum.
The links that Cadet sent you are for you to review at your leisure, His intention was to offer them to you, but not to say that you had to read them all right now. We all understand that with a little one due soon that you will not have time to breathe for a bit.
I hope that everything goes smoothly for you and your precious little.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Penny I do agree with Forward and Snodderly as that Welcome Post is for everyone and is there to use as you need. I try to put it on everyones thread and yours even has a new link.
The advice in the thread is to take care of yourself first.
That is the most imortant thing, you and that baby! Could not agree more!
Be the BEST MOM you can be cause that little one is going to need it.
You have nothing but time after that, there is no hurry to do any of this homework and I have been working on it for quite a while.
It's strange, or maybe not given the horrible behaviours of both our spouses leading up to the bombs, it's currently quite nice without the pressure of him being here too. I feel in more control and at peace. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I am not as sad or depressed as I thought I would be. I think it's more at the moment the effect on the kids and lack of consideration for them that is driving my anger and sadness.