I'm not asking a husband to commit suicide. I just said it's not good to threaten anyone. Just do whatever you are going to do. Let the actions do the talking.
I wouldn't be starting a fight over someone who apparently doesn't want me. You let them go.
However if the other man put his hands on him, you don't threaten him you do something about it. It may be pressing charges to the police.
If they are doing the affair at his or her workplace, you may choose to expose it.
There's alot of things you can do, but saying it diminishes the effect.
I'm not asking a husband to commit suicide. I just said it's not good to threaten anyone. Just do whatever you are going to do. Let the actions do the talking.
I wouldn't be starting a fight over someone who apparently doesn't want me. You let them go.
However if the other man put his hands on him, you don't threaten him you do something about it. It may be pressing charges to the police.
If they are doing the affair at his or her workplace, you may choose to expose it.
There's alot of things you can do, but saying it diminishes the effect.
I'm not asking a husband to commit suicide. I just said it's not good to threaten anyone. Just do whatever you are going to do. Let the actions do the talking.
I wouldn't be starting a fight over someone who apparently doesn't want me. You let them go.
However if the other man put his hands on him, you don't threaten him you do something about it. It may be pressing charges to the police.
If they are doing the affair at his or her workplace, you may choose to expose it.
There's alot of things you can do, but saying it diminishes the effect.
Agree!
It's kinda like me. Today I'm in a good situation. I tend to diminish the effect of saying "I'm going to do X, Y and Z" to keep you happy, or I enjoy doing it. It's better to do it and let the actions speak. To keep speaking it diminishes the effect.
Why is this such a hot button with you? Every time the whole "exposure" thing comes up, you practically become unglued. no need to get personal Starsky. That seems to be an over reaction on your end. I saw the damage it already did for this guy, and then another poster repeated the advice as if nothing had already happened.
Look, I realize it's against the DB/DR catechism, but to say that "every single time, it's blown up in their face" simply isn't true. I think/hope I said I've seen it happen and it's always backfired. That is true from my perspective/experience. I have HEARD of it working once, somewhere around here but they were NOT talking about exposing the OM, or telling unrelated "public" third parties.
They were talking about bringing in specific family members. I still don't know if it worked long term, and I wonder. But their claim was that the wife came home and it had been about a month, at the time.
And BECAUSE it's against DB policy, we're not allowed to talk about it, so we're hardly a representative sample here, don'tchathink? hmmm, I will have to ponder that^^ b/c I think you're saying a DBer is less likely to try so, how would we know? But I don't know that there is empirical data to support that. DBers do a lot of things to make it work and we often do the "non DB things" first, repeatedly. God knows I did.
But then again, because it's counter to DBing, I think it's WHY I react the way I do. You say we aren't supposed to talk about it. Not sure if you mean the "exposers" aren't or the rest of us. But like so many, we react from our own personal experience. I'm no exception!
I embrace this particular concept of DBing more than some of the other concepts. Why?
I think it's b/c I react against what I see as a punitive action by an LBSer in part b/c I wanted to do the same things to my h.
I had some "weapons" against him that I so wanted to use when I was at my lowest. Back then, I was making it all about him and what HE was doing to ME and our family. (My mother did this with my alcoholic father for most of their 44 year marriage so yes, I know where I learned it.)
But I also knew I wanted to have NO regrets later on. I really valued the concept of thinking "wow, I truly did MY best" so that no matter what happened, i could leave it in God's hands & be at peace.
Thanks to my DB coach, mostly, When I finally confronted myself to ask whether whatever comment or act I was about to do was coming from my anger & ego, as opposed to something healthy or productive or loving inside me.
well, Damn it Starsky, those "show them the consequences!" justifications I had were almost always from a place of anger and pain. That realization was a turning point for me. And That dark part of me was something I fought with for a long time.
And either b/c I'm a L, or b/c of my 12 step past work, I know I rationalize my actions very well. At times I am not even aware of it, so I have to extra vigilant.
So it was extremely hard for me to face & admit that my "teach them a lesson" belief system was NOT a "fair & reasoned argument", or a "JUSTICE" seeking cause, at all.
It was simply an excuse to try and hurt/shame my h...I was bitter & wrong.
I mean, shame him into what? A cowed man who slunk home to beg me for forgiveness? Gross. A bitter defensive man who hated me and never came home? Just as bad.
The more I thought about it the more repelled I was at that image of him and at myself for wanting, at some weird level, to create it. It was so unloving of me
All while talking about being pro family and pro marriage, the truth was at times I just wanted to hurt him, badly.
To this day, I'm ashamed of myself for reacting that way and for justifying it for so long. My God, I had my self righteous arsenal of arguments ready at hand, for months!! Ready to launch at any time...
So maybe the whole "exposure" thing does touch a nerve in me.
But maybe not b/c of the reasons you surmise. Reminds me of the parts of myself I've worked very very hard to eradicate. Interesting. I will ponder it.
And I DO think this is too new for NGU. Forgiveness and letting go of this pain will take time and it's awfully new to wrap your brain around it at this point.
But it is also the time for mistakes to be made that cannot always be undone. SO caution in that area is important and posts that say "just do it" concern me.
I think a fairer way to put it would be to say "reasonable people disagree about this very controversial topic, but it is strictly against DB policy and it says so right here on this forum" ... or some such.
More broadly than just this one sub-topic, I ama proponent of the "more actions, less talk" school. Talk is cheap, and wayward spouses will quickly just learn to tune you out.
Starsky
I may have to go read your history again b/c now I can't recall what worked for you and what did not. But If I got this last part correctly, at least part of it I totally agree with.
There is a myth that many of us had that if we SAID the right thing the right way (or enough times) it would finally sink into the WAS...and boy was that wrong. It makes us feel we are "doing something".
Whereas brevity w/words shocks the WAS. The LBSer who learns to shut up and think before speaking, gets farther in this. So yes, the less said, usually, the better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There is a myth that many of us had that if we SAID the right thing the right way (or enough times) it would finally sink into the WAS...and boy was that wrong. It makes us feel we are "doing something".
WOW, GUILTY AS CHARGED. If I can just get her to understand....If I say it enough times.....
Update. W has her apartment and had furniture delivered today. She was at the house last night watching the B Ball game with son and I. Was a good night. I felt just like what I used to think was a normal night. When we went to bed (still sleep in the same bed) we were still normal acting. I did say, "you know, you moving out is going to be a difficult time, for a while". As we were laying there, she put her hand on my chest and said "you're a good person" and I didn't respond. She later moved over and said she would like to snuggle if that was ok. We spent a restless night just kind of touching and holding each other. At one point, I said "I just want you to know I love you." When she started to say something, I told her I wasn't looking for a response, just wanted her to know. She said OK. This morning, I said I wanted lay there five more minutes as it may be the last time. She said she was probably going to spend the night one more night until her stuff is set up.
My son and I are leaving town for the weekend early tomorrow morning to get away while she moves her clothes.
but sometimes there is no way for us to interpret the chaos they create. Somtimes there is no answer we'll ever find satisfactory.
Sometimes they don't even have the answers themselves...so I finally decided to react to what is,
not worry about what might be, or what h was thinking/feeling/doing OR WHY....("WHY?" was the most useless question I asked... hundreds of times)
it's not a question with an answer you'll probably ever get, or understand.
For now, Focus on what you can create with your son...and GAL.
WE hammer the idea of GAL b/c ruly it works...
Hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Update. W has her apartment and had furniture delivered today. She was at the house last night watching the B Ball game with son and I. Was a good night. I felt just like what I used to think was a normal night. When we went to bed (still sleep in the same bed) we were still normal acting. I did say, "you know, you moving out is going to be a difficult time, for a while". As we were laying there, she put her hand on my chest and said "you're a good person" and I didn't respond. She later moved over and said she would like to snuggle if that was ok. We spent a restless night just kind of touching and holding each other. At one point, I said "I just want you to know I love you." When she started to say something, I told her I wasn't looking for a response, just wanted her to know. She said OK. This morning, I said I wanted lay there five more minutes as it may be the last time. She said she was probably going to spend the night one more night until her stuff is set up.
My son and I are leaving town for the weekend early tomorrow morning to get away while she moves her clothes.
Please interpret this chaos for me.....
I can't/won't interpret your wife's behavior, because -- as 25 says -- you can't deciper the indecipherable. She's confused.
But I will interpret yours: I can almost assure you, that if your wife is still currently carrying on an emotional affair with this guy, and you know, and she KNOWS that you know . . . and you ask her to snuggle with her "five more minutes as it may be the last time" and tell her "I love you," etc.???
I can assure you that she finds that weak, and unattractive.
A better thing to have said would have been "As I wouldn't have wished this on us, I realize now that I'm going to be okay," and sound upbeat; strong.
