Put another way, as much as you're hurting you can't look to your wife to soothe and comfort you right now. That's going to have to come from within yourself, and from friends and family.
Put another way, as much as you're hurting you can't look to your wife to soothe and comfort you right now. That's going to have to come from within yourself, and from friends and family.
It's hard, I know.
Starsky
It's so hard it's nearly impossible! I'm just trying to give an idea how tough it was, to look at and communicate with someone who usedd to be emotionally supportive - who is now somewhere else. She's gone, for now, and maybe for ever.
If I was to backtrack through my situatoin, I would have minimized commmunication and contact while the affair was going on. Hell tell her, if she' sgoing to carry on then go live with the other guy. It's not for you to move out of you guys place because she's cheating.
I personally, also after some amount of time if I could go back would have gotten a girlfriend. Find a girlfriend whose not trying to take from you, that you nejoy spending time with. you can tie your feelings of emotional dependancy, pleasure, etc onto her.
Also GAL, means most of the life you had with her, you have to reestablish outside of her. It's tough, but if you don't do it, you will be hurting pretty badly.
All of this is unnecessarily tough to do, and you are paying because SHE cheated. I'd be pretty angry at myself for chosing her, and angry at her for triyng to say "you are a nice person". That's some BS.
"you can tie your feelings of emotional dependancy, pleasure, etc onto her."
That's some real lousy advice IMHO. You don't need to pin your happiness on someone else. If you do you'll find yourself in this exact same position. Why would you even suggest that he should be emotionally dependent again? That's flat out wrong.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's so hard it's nearly impossible! I'm just trying to give an idea how tough it was, to look at and communicate with someone who usedd to be emotionally supportive - who is now somewhere else. She's gone, for now, and maybe for ever.
If I was to backtrack through my situatoin, I would have minimized commmunication and contact while the affair was going on. Hell tell her, if she' sgoing to carry on then go live with the other guy. It's not for you to move out of you guys place because she's cheating. I personally, also after some amount of time if I could go back would have gotten a girlfriend. Find a girlfriend whose not trying to take from you, that you nejoy spending time with. you can tie your feelings of emotional dependancy, pleasure, etc onto her. I guess this is YOUR personal belief and advice but it's NOT DB advice and not the place for giving out your random
but consistenly punitive/anger based, "teach spouse a lesson" perspective.
I don't think you get "DBing" at all. I don't think you know DBing.
You clearly don't follow it.
[/quote]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's so hard it's nearly impossible! I'm just trying to give an idea how tough it was, to look at and communicate with someone who usedd to be emotionally supportive - who is now somewhere else. She's gone, for now, and maybe for ever.
If I was to backtrack through my situatoin, I would have minimized commmunication and contact while the affair was going on. Hell tell her, if she' sgoing to carry on then go live with the other guy. It's not for you to move out of you guys place because she's cheating. I personally, also after some amount of time if I could go back would have gotten a girlfriend. Find a girlfriend whose not trying to take from you, that you nejoy spending time with. you can tie your feelings of emotional dependancy, pleasure, etc onto her. I guess this is YOUR personal belief and advice but it's NOT DB advice and not the place for giving out your random
but consistenly punitive/anger based, "teach spouse a lesson" perspective.
I don't think you get "DBing" at all. I don't think you know DBing.
You clearly don't follow it.
[/quote]
My advice wasn't teach a spouse a lesson. It was about taking care of YOURSELF. You can no longer depend on that spouse for anything.
I'm not angry either. It does anger me to see someone embellishing on cheating on their s[pouse, not realizing they are making them ill, hurting them so badly like they are so special to be able to do it.
I did the db tenants during my situation and I was honest about what would have worked for me, it may not have brought the spouse back but it would have created a spomewhat healthier environment for me at the time.
Also having cheated on somene in a past situation, I know how they look at so I know what would may have gotten a response out of me when I was the cheater. Wish you alll the best as usual.
Why is this such a hot button with you? Every time the whole "exposure" thing comes up, you practically become unglued.
Look, I realize it's against the DB/DR catechism, but to say that "every single time, it's blown up in their face" simply isn't true. And BECAUSE it's against DB policy, we're not allowed to talk about it, so we're hardly a representative sample here, don'tchathink? I think a fairer way to put it would be to say "reasonable people disagree about this very controversial topic, but it is strictly against DB policy and it says so right here on this forum" ... or some such.
More broadly than just this one sub-topic, I am a proponent of the "more actions, less talk" school. Talk is cheap, and wayward spouses will quickly just learn to tune you out.
Starsky
Starsky--
EXCELLENT ability to break this apart and discern the argument and purpose. I completely applaud your abilty to translate here.
Exposure isn't DB policy NOT because it doesn't 'work' ever (you KNOW it has it's place)...it's because...it doesn't work ENOUGH of the time.
It's because RESEARCH cannot be taken online. It's because folks who are passionate and have longtime online experience do not know enough how this kind of research is taken. It's because only one side of the data is shown. It's because it's ALL ANECDOTAL online and only one =sided anecdotal.
You can look at THOUSANDS of posts online and even make spreadsheets and not know enough.
and if you have knowledge of how physical science is determined, you will apply yet another set of standards (Gottman has done both)...
Michele has done her legwork in both arenas. You don't get it on boards, you don't get it in just speaking with folks in our personal experiences.
Not spelling this out fo ryou, because you get it, don't you?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Why is this such a hot button with you? Every time the whole "exposure" thing comes up, you practically become unglued.
Look, I realize it's against the DB/DR catechism, but to say that "every single time, it's blown up in their face" simply isn't true. And BECAUSE it's against DB policy, we're not allowed to talk about it, so we're hardly a representative sample here, don'tchathink? I think a fairer way to put it would be to say "reasonable people disagree about this very controversial topic, but it is strictly against DB policy and it says so right here on this forum" ... or some such.
More broadly than just this one sub-topic, I am a proponent of the "more actions, less talk" school. Talk is cheap, and wayward spouses will quickly just learn to tune you out.
Starsky
Starsky--
EXCELLENT ability to break this apart and discern the argument and purpose. I completely applaud your abilty to translate here.
Exposure isn't DB policy NOT because it doesn't 'work' ever (you KNOW it has it's place)...it's because...it doesn't work ENOUGH of the time.
It's because RESEARCH cannot be taken online. It's because folks who are passionate and have longtime online experience do not know enough how this kind of research is taken. It's because only one side of the data is shown. It's because it's ALL ANECDOTAL online and only one =sided anecdotal.
You can look at THOUSANDS of posts online and even make spreadsheets and not know enough.
and if you have knowledge of how physical science is determined, you will apply yet another set of standards (Gottman has done both)...
Michele has done her legwork in both arenas. You don't get it on boards, you don't get it in just speaking with folks in our personal experiences.
Not spelling this out fo ryou, because you get it, don't you?
I understand. Over the years we may get a bunch of infomration regarding this type of sitaution and have a good idea of what's going on.
Michelle through her research and work is going to have put together processes that have the highest chance of working in various scenarios. And also understand some methods which are "illogical" but work regarding these type of situations.
The things I pointed out which got some negative flak, are things that "you aren't supposed to do", or "are not nice" - but they do have some affect, and even if only to make you feel better about what's going on.
Why is this such a hot button with you? Every time the whole "exposure" thing comes up, you practically become unglued.
Look, I realize it's against the DB/DR catechism, but to say that "every single time, it's blown up in their face" simply isn't true. And BECAUSE it's against DB policy, we're not allowed to talk about it, so we're hardly a representative sample here, don'tchathink? I think a fairer way to put it would be to say "reasonable people disagree about this very controversial topic, but it is strictly against DB policy and it says so right here on this forum" ... or some such.
More broadly than just this one sub-topic, I am a proponent of the "more actions, less talk" school. Talk is cheap, and wayward spouses will quickly just learn to tune you out.
Starsky
Starsky--
EXCELLENT ability to break this apart and discern the argument and purpose. I completely applaud your abilty to translate here.
Exposure isn't DB policy NOT because it doesn't 'work' ever (you KNOW it has it's place)...it's because...it doesn't work ENOUGH of the time.
It's because RESEARCH cannot be taken online. It's because folks who are passionate and have longtime online experience do not know enough how this kind of research is taken. It's because only one side of the data is shown. It's because it's ALL ANECDOTAL online and only one =sided anecdotal.
You can look at THOUSANDS of posts online and even make spreadsheets and not know enough.
and if you have knowledge of how physical science is determined, you will apply yet another set of standards (Gottman has done both)...
Michele has done her legwork in both arenas. You don't get it on boards, you don't get it in just speaking with folks in our personal experiences.
Not spelling this out fo ryou, because you get it, don't you?
SG,
Yes, I understand the reasons. I don't always AGREE with them, as you know, but that's cool too. I was referring to 25mlc's "always/never" overreach, not DB's policy.
In any event, thanks for the explanation. I won't comment further, as I don't want to run afoul of the TOS on the subject.
Left town this weekend while W moved out. Upon return last night, found she took some pics, few tables and most of her clothes. The closet still has LOTS of shoes and probably her winter clothes or clothes that probably don't fit. First thought was that she had time to get her stuff out but didn't. Then wanted to read into why. Maybe not ready, maybe not sure, etc. Then told myself she might have been busy with the furniture situation and didn't have time. Then thought "stop it", there is no way to know.
She asked to come over to watch the B Ball game as her TV hasn't been delivered yet. Sure, come on. Overall, fairly normal feeling night.
OK, first night to sleep alone. Very yucky. Got up this morning to get ready for work in a half empty bathroom and very quiet. However, I know each day will be better.
************* On drive to work this morning, she calls. Last night, I had asked for some paperwork regarding my son and she thought it was at her office. Today's phone call was to tell me the papers had been in the back of her car the whole time. My mind is saying, why is she calling. There was no purpose for this call.
I asked how her night went. Before she could answer, I told her I shouldn't have asked that. I told her these were weird times. I still was acting like she was my best friend and I cared about how she was. I also told her I knew she might answer that she slept like a baby which would make me feel bad.
I told her my night was terrible. In the past, we were separated for five months (8 yrs ago). Since then, I would tell her I knew what it was like to sleep without her and I was so glad she was back in my life. I would bring up the topic of her sleeping by my side as a positive statement to her. Meaning, I am glad she was back in my life.
She told me her night was terrible. The lady who lives above her had an alarm that started going off around 3am and she would snooze it a lot. She was in a new environment, a new bed, etc.
The last thing I told her was that I knew we had to go through this. However, I told her that I needed feed back about us. It may be in a week, a month, or several months, but I needed to know where we stood. I was not going to be in a position to wait around like my brother. (My brother was separated for a year before they finally finalized their divorce.) I've been through a separation before. What I was trying to say is that I'm here and want to work on it, but, I'm not going to wait forever.
I know I'm not supposed to do that, but, sometimes you can't help it. I know today is day one of change which will become normal at some point.
I feel like I'm slowly getting better but it is still tough.
Please provide any helpful advice....I notice I come to this sight several times a day looking for answers. Thanks for everyone's help.
