So here is what has transpired. H has been to therapy once. I had told him before he left that if he wanted to talk about it we could but I would not ask him. He went and did not say anything about what happened. I have continued to do little extra things that may have lost my attention along the years. I have been helping him clean up after dinner, laundry, totally cleaning the Bedrooms and bathrooms, Kitchen etc. I know he noticed but again he never said anything about my efforts. Things have been civil but still at this point no Physical contact. He has been working a lot so I have just been letting him do his thing and not asking about house chores or questioning his actions. He actually cleaned out the garage which was nice and I told him I appreciated it.
A few days later I was paying his cell bill, and I noted a strange number on his cell. I have also noticed he has locked his phone. I did not want to say anything to him about it because I did not want him to think I was snooping. But these text messages were excessive. A few Hundred. They were also during strange times. Like one night he said he was going to bed early because he had to get up early to get to work. I stayed down stairs to watch a movie and I went to bed around midnight that night. Well he was texting this person until 11:30 and I thought he was sleeping. So I was feeling very threatened by what I was finding.
So Sunday I decided to call the number and the VM sounded like a woman but a much older woman. I could not make out the name. I was still not sure who this was so I decided to ask H. He said it was his Friend Eddy. He asked what the number was and I gave it to him. He said he believed it was Eddy, but he also said "For reasons of Full disclosure" he was also talking to someone else. I asked who and he said someone about "Our situation" besides the therapist. I asked if this person was a woman and he said yes. I asked about their relationship and he said she is going through the same thing he is and they just talk sometimes. Her situation is a lot worse than ours. Abusive husband etc.... But I guess she wants to leave him but she feels guilty. And Apparently my H feels guilty about wanting to leave me as well.
He said he is not attracted to this woman and he is not sleeping with anyone else she was just someone he met at work who started talking to him when he was doing a job. Now I am not thrilled about this but I did not let that on. I remained calm.
Now here is where it got weird. He told me he wants to leave me but his guilt about it is just so overwhelming to him. He said he could stay married to me but he is afraid he could never love me again because I hurt him so bad, I left a hole in his heart, that he feels can never be repaired. He feels like he missed out in his early years about dating and being with other woman. He had only had 2 other relationships before me. And he feels like he wants to "Be Free" He said he feels like he wants to sleep with other women, (not to have a relationship with but just sex) to see what he has been missing. Because he has been with me the past 20 years. (Married for 12)
I asked him if he was planning on moving out or what and he said he did not know. He said right now he feels like we are friends and roommates Sex is just Sex there is no love he said. He said he is very attracted to me, but that love he felt is gone and he does not think he could get that back. He was kind of talking in circles at this point. He does not want to leave the house, but he wants his freedom, He said he still wants to have sex with me but he does not love me, and he wants to have sex with other women and not have to answer to anyone.
So I basically told him I think he still loves me, but the hurt he feels and has not dealt with is just so overwhelming he that is all he feels. I asked him if he was still living with me, having sex with me would he want to just go out and pick up some woman and have sex with her. And he said he did not know. But he said if the opportunity presented its self he wanted to be able to take it. Now I know my husband very well. He has a lot of Heavy morals and values and if it came right down to it I really do not think he could go through it. (then again I did and I never thought I would)
So we joked about what we were talking about , because I was really trying to make sense about all of it. The joking seemed to relieve some tension and we ended up "Going up Stairs" and had a wonder encounter.
He does not go to the therapist again until next week. So after a lot of thought and taking into consideration what he has been telling me I think I am going to live life the way I want in my marriage. Be faithful to him, take pride in my house, show him love and affection, take care of myself (loose some weight etc..) and reconnect with friends. If he wants to go out with his friends I will not be in his way. I cannot control what he does. If he happens to be with someone else, that is his choice and I could walk away knowing I tried everything I could.
Another Update. After I asked H about the text messages and he told me it was a woman at work he confided in about us, I had let a few days pass. On July 3rd something told me to log into his email account. So I did. In there I found a google chat that was saved. I saw message from her asking him how Soccer went with our son, My H asking if he could walk her to her car. Then here was the kicker. I found one video and 2 picture messages. The Video was a vulgar video of her using a toy. Then the one picture was of her topless and one of her crotch. I was fuming..... My H was sleeping because he had to work the night shift after working all day. I just could not let this pass until he got home from work in the AM so I went upstairs and woke him up.
I asked him about the video and the pictures. He said when he got them he freaked out and deleted them right away. He asked her not to send any more. He said he never sent her any pictures back. From what I can see from his text history after I confronted him on Sunday about the messages there have not been any texts to her. My H said he is not looking for a relationship. And then he proceeded to tell me all of the things about this woman he did not like....Like her smoking, her having 2 children under 5. She is 11 Years younger than him (26) She has a crazy BF or H not sure which, Here is where I stopped him. I said to him for as easy as it was for me to find this it would be just as easy for her "SO" And I did not want any crazy BF or H showing up at my door asking why he was getting pornographic material from his girlfriend. He just looked at me and said, "You are right"
He then went to work and I was still feeling very betrayed. I went back into his account and got the pictures. Why? Not sure just incase I ever needed proof or something. I started looking at the time lines of the conversations. then the account locked up. He had changed his PW. So I called him an asked him why? He said he wanted to see what I saw and he removed it. I was like Okay, and then I just said to him "you know this does not look good' "It looks really bad" So then I asked him if he was going to tell her that I saw the video and the pictures. He asked me if I wanted him to. I said I was not sure and I hung up.
When he got home from work we were both very tired. I had slept for about an hour and he had been up all night. When he did get up he was a little affectionate with me. Not sure if it was the guilt or not....So this is what I figured happened. Around the time they started texting was the time he told me he did not want to be with me anymore. I did see about 5-6 other pictures come to his phone from Text. These were different than the chat session I found. These were also sent late at night or a lunch time. They were sent back from the beginning of June, now I do not know what those pictures were I can only assume. But for him telling me he asked her to stop sending the pictures is a cock. So I think they may have started out with the platonic relationship she wanted to bring it up a notch. That that probably turned into sexting. And that was when I saw the texts. I have not asked him to confirm this, but this is what makes since to me.
So what I have decided to do is NOTHING. Reason I do not want to add to the Drama. I do not want to give him a reason why he should leave or pursue this. Do I really need him to confirm what he did? I know what happened. I have the records. From what I can see he did the right thing by stopping the contact. Now they work at the same hospital. So do I really know if they stopped contact no, I have to take his word on this one. But I think I would be able to tell what is going on by his actions. He has been very attentive the last few days. Talkative, doing things around the house that he has neglected for years. Again here I just noticed his efforts. Not saying anything to him. I Feel like if I say something to him he may take it as a Jab instead of a complement. So I just let him do his thing
As far as this OW goes. I know what he is going thought because I went through it myself. The newness the excitement, but in the end its not worth loosing what you have. What happened to him here was the same way it started with me. So I know, but I stopped it before it could get to far.
So in Limbo again I sit. Still not sure if he will go or he will stay. He should be seeing the therapist the week. He is Pro-Marriage by the way. Keeping the family together. So I do not know. When he left this AM he kissed me good-bye and I said "Have a good day" and he said "you too" which is different because for the last few weeks he has not said anything back to me.
But this is one path for you to follow. And one that you can not do unless your 100% committed and emotionally strong enough to do.
I would sit him down.
I would say.
"You and I both know that you crossed a boundary with ______ ( say her name ). This is unacceptable. Not only have your actions put our marriage in jeopardy. But they have also put your's and ____ ( say her name ) careers in jeopardy during these economic difficulties."
Pause. Let the silence fill for a second or two. If he starts to apologize or gaslight say the following.
" Stop. I am talking now. You will listen. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
If he starts to say you did it so why should he not.
" Stop. I am talking now. You will listen. I am talking to you about your unacceptable actions. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
Pause. Let it sink in. Then continue.
" You and I have struggled the past three years to save our marriage. You are now seeing and feeling the difficulties of adultery on the other side of the coin."
Pause. If he says he is not or anything. Just say.
"Please stop. I find this lying very unattractive. I am talking now. You will listen. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
Pause.
"I have decided that I want to save this marriage. I am 100% committed to repair our marriage. But I will not do this alone. I will not remain in an open marriage. I will not tolerate lies. I will not tolerate limbo while you go find yourself. I will not tolerate less than 100% commitment to our marriage. I will not tolerate any communication with _____"
Pause.
"You will decide if you want to peruse this relationship with ____ or if you want to recommit 100% to the marriage. Any thing less than 100% commitment will result in divorce. I will start the process within 2 days."
Pause.
"I am finished talking. I am going to go be by myself now to think."
Then get up and walk away.
And do not say another single word to him.
This will kick you out of limbo and will start you down the path of recovery or it will start you down the path of D.
But the path of D can be stopped. But at this time it will be used as a weapon against the affair.
Just a reminder. This is of my opinion. Based on your history.
Last resort Technique.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
My wife had an affair, not only that she moved out and in with him.
Contact continued after she came back to me and she ****ed him whilst pregnant with our son some time in 2009.
It is so hard for a man to forgive that stuff. So very, very hard and it's only in the last eighteen months that I have really begun to come out of it. The anger you feel is indescribable. On the one hand you want to forgive and move on but on the other you're utterly digusted with yourself for staying with what you grow to think is a skank whore of a wife.
There's not much you can do really other than say "I'm sorry you feel that way DH and for choosing to hurt you like I did." or, "I take full responsibility for doing it DH and for every bit of pain you experienced as a result of my choices".
Forgiveness comes reasonably easier to me than others I know but stuff like infidelity really does take time, lots of it, to heal. Time alone isn't enough. Time and doing the right things consistently will get the job done.
Good luck.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
My wife had an affair, not only that she moved out and in with him.
Contact continued after she came back to me and she ****ed him whilst pregnant with our son some time in 2009.
It is so hard for a man to forgive that stuff. So very, very hard and it's only in the last eighteen months that I have really begun to come out of it. The anger you feel is indescribable. On the one hand you want to forgive and move on but on the other you're utterly digusted with yourself for staying with what you grow to think is a skank whore of a wife.
There's not much you can do really other than say "I'm sorry you feel that way DH and for choosing to hurt you like I did." or, "I take full responsibility for doing it DH and for every bit of pain you experienced as a result of my choices".
Forgiveness comes reasonably easier to me than others I know but stuff like infidelity really does take time, lots of it, to heal. Time alone isn't enough. Time and doing the right things consistently will get the job done.
Good luck.
GH31
Wow. I know how you feel. The pain is indescribable and it just takes so much time to get past it. I'm glad you put a number to it. It could be three years from the time of an infidelity, after work has been done on restoring the relation that the pain is distant enough.
I was an easy forgiver too, but due to the reasons that I was brought to DB-land I'm not so sure anymore. I guess I can forgive certain serious transgressions and just let them go. Forgive them for my peace of mind, and let them go and move on with my life. That's pretty much what I got out of this place.
