[b]in the beginning, our WAS's are the best damn DBer's in the whole friggin' world! but that is when you need to pull back and let them figure things out.
they will say they don't miss you, they will rewrite history, they will go dark.[/b]
Ss-This is so true, it's almost freaky. Natural born DBers. Mab-- Now it's what you need to do.
Accuracy-- glad you feel good :-) with the amount of support and the constructive approach you offer us all you should feel like da man!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
bustingout, it IS kind of funny...we have the DB boards and it's almost like they have the WAS boards! i can only imagine what they would be reading on there from fellow WAS's...
1. tell them everything they have done in the past, over and over, to put you where you are today. 2. rewrite history to where there were NEVER any good times, only bad, and they were all the LBS's fault. 3. tell them you don't miss them and never think about them. 4. go dark. don't call, don't email, don't text. never reply to any communications unless pushed and then, act cold. 5. GAL that does not include LBS. party all the time. 6. send mixed messages to LBS. pull away, get closer, pull away, get closer. 7. have a double standard. 8. whenever anything happens that is not entirely to your liking and makes you wonder if maybe it was your fault, turn it around and tell the LBS, "see, this is why we can never be together". 9. only tell friends and family your side of the sitch. that way, they will reinforce your decision to leave and will demonize your LBS. 10. remain the victim. feel sorry for yourself.
LOL!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
11). If you suspect someone might try to talk sense to you, avoid them at all costs. Only seek to talk to people who are like minded and will reinforce your position
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for all the help. The MC question is still a really tough one. I'm getting all sorts of advice left, right and centre on it! If I don't email I'll be in the wrong because I didn't email. If I email I'll be in the wrong because I'm encroaching. I am falling on the side of not emailing though. After all I did actually tell her the time during the conversation. Had quite a tough day today. My sailing was cancelled due to lack of wind so went to the city to go shopping. It was a nightmare. Memories everywhere. Smily, happy people were everywhere I looked too. I felt like I was an island where the world was flowing around me and I couldn't connect with it. Then it got a bit windier so I went back to try and do some more sailing. After that I went to see some japanese drumming which was very cool. I am running out of GAL ideas so any tips would be gratefully received...
So I'm beginning to think the whole MC idea will just make things worse and is best avoided. One of the main reasons i suggested it is as a safe place to talk. Almost every time we've spoken since she left it starts well and then rapidly goes downhill whilst she tells me how much better life is without me. Problem is the going dark alternative seems a bit too one sided. She gets all the freedom she wanted and I worry about rebuilding my life. How can I keep communication lines open without seeming to be pursuing?
ScaredSilly is spot on. You are also right that MC will go the same way. It won't go as far off the tracks because you have a moderator, but I can guarantee that W won't leave the session feeling good about you.
Originally Posted By: mab1
Almost every time we've spoken since she left it starts well and then rapidly goes downhill whilst she tells me how much better life is without me.
There is NOTHING you or MC can say to change her mind right now. The key phrase there is "right now". Things will get better and she will rethink things but not on your timeline. You are acting from a place of panic, you feel like you are drowning and must get to the surface right now, so you're trying to grab onto her with everything you've got. Let her go, that's your only hope of having her come back.
Originally Posted By: mab1
Problem is the going dark alternative seems a bit too one sided. She gets all the freedom she wanted and I worry about rebuilding my life.
This is key Mab1 -- this is completely one-sided and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight that, she feels she owes you nothing, she is no longer your wife. You don't get to dictate how much freedom she gets, she will take what she wants. You can't stop her from dating new people, and you can't demand that she work on the marriage with you or even talk to you.
You need to become a good choice for her by working on YOU. Following DB will give you the best chance of having her notice your changes the soonest, including going dark. These things are counter intuitive but they work. You really need to shift your perception. You are now on the outside and cannot talk your way back in. She has to look out the window, see how much fun you're having and what a good guy you are and want to join you
Originally Posted By: mab1
How can I keep the communication lines open without seeming to be pursuing?
When she reaches out to you be polite, be happy, and validate her feelings but stop short of agreeing that your marriage was all bad or that everything was your fault
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
What a morning! Went to get legal advice earlier. Basically, they said don't worry too much about divorce yet. Cut the mortgage payments to repayment only. After selling the house, costs, fees etc we'll walk away from our marriage with about 10000 each. I guess looking on the bright side and regarding some of the storiesposted on here that's actually a great result.
Then I came home to find her car in the drive. Deep breath, stay calm.
She was really angry when I came in as I've moved all her junk, sorry personal possessions, into a small bedroom. As a result she claimed I had packed her away and was living happily in our nice house and it wasn't fair. Even though she has now realised she has to face the consequences of her actions. Actions which it nows look like meaning she could well be homeless for a month but is that my fault? I stupidly caved and offered her space for that period but she said she didn't think it would work.
The conversation basically went, me to her, "how are you?". Her to me (cue tears), "me, me, me, me, me, me, me. We are fundamentally different, so I'm done. Me, me, me, me, me, me." For every me in there please insert a cliched WAS justification statement as she basically wrote off our marriage and relationship. She said she didn't want to go to MC and I told her I wasn't going to email anyway. She said we had to live separate lives and if that meant me moving to somewhere I actually wanted to live then I should do it (I always wanted to leave the country and she stopped me because of her family/job). Still no talk about divorce! She was playing with her now empty ring finger a lot. She is still very much in the fog. I was calm, didn't push anything. The hardest bit was that she said she knows I'm a nice guy and that she knows that she could make it all stop (she is having panic attacks and almost blacked out the other day) by coming back but doesn't want to. She has decided she has to find herself and maybe there's a possibility in the future but we can't base our lives on it. She feels really guilty but this is all about her. We never thought about our relationship enough and now she is going to work on herself. It's not being strong but she knows it's right. I said OK, do whatever you've got to do, helped her take her stuff out, we had a couple of kisses, I said give me a call because I'm not going to contact you and then she got in her car and drove off. It's not even lunchtime yet and I'm ready to crawl back into bed!
