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I thought the same thing until I had a talk with a close friend of mine. I was going on about how angry I was at W because she was living the life of a single with OM, going out every night,having fun and with no concerns. My friend said "don't believe it, she is feeling shame and sadness but every time she does the OM just whispers in her ear everything she wants to hear to make her feel better and that she is doing the right thing. This is only delaying the hurt that she will go thorough once the A is over and by then you will be way into your path of recovery."

Make me a little sad thinking that W is letting OM use her this way.

Thanks dcsl,
Thanks for sharing. I'm going to read your thread now.

Well, the feelings of anger and hate are not helpful to reconciling, BUT if they are reality based b/c of the behavior you see, they may assist you in detaching.

Also your wife isn't the only one being "used". They are both using each other. He's a salve to her self inflicted wound. The more she misses the kids (if not also you) the more OM must frantically fill the space/time.

I don't know any WAS who was glad they cheated and left their spouse, if there were children involved, unless there was abuse.

I don't believe ANY WASs leaving families, feel alright about it. (B/c sometimes they really can justify leaving their spouse. But HOW can you justify leaving your kids? You cannot). It's really hard for a mother.

My uncle was an adulterer who left my wonderful aunt for OW and married OW. Years later 2 things happened. First, OW called my aunt to see if uncle was there with her (meaning uncle was cheating on OW and she feared he was with aunt-his now ex wife!!)

2) THis made my aunt realize he'd done her a favor. He'd never be faithful b/c that's the type of man he is/was...

and yet, even HE later told his own mother that if he'd "known how much pain this would cause so many people" he'd have "Stayed married to aunt."


Meanwhile, aunt was devastated BUT she GAL and remarried someone very close to uncle (former bf), and they lived happily, for 25 years when her h#2 suddenly died.

Again she was crushed but again, She GAL. (Best GALer ever, is my aunt. She is always busy, upbeat and usually with people.)

A few years passed & she's about 75 but truly looks 20 years younger. She's been in a loving Relationship now for about 10 years with a "younger man".

As for uncle & OW/wife#2, first off THEY DO NOT MATTER..If they truly went off into the sunset and are uber happy---that cannot affect the LBSer. If it does then the LBSer still gives her ex all her power. Don't. If they win the lottery it does not take money out of your account and if they have a flat tire, you don't feel joy.

THEY do not matter. YOU MATTER and what you create for you and your loved ones. Remember the adage, "The best revenge is a life well lived"? It applies.

Besides, If they're so happy with each other, then I guess it's good to learn that now.

But of course it's NOT so happy...

in my aunt' case, the OW/wife#2 will always wonder where her h, my uncle, has gone whenever he's late somewhere. Who needs that type of gut wrenching stress...eternally?


Some divorced WASs say their divorce was warranted. However, most don't when they've had time to reflect. One study showed that after 5 years post divorce, more than half of those surveyed, who had filed OR left, believe they could have worked it out if they had the tools AND OR views then, that they have now.


And NO WAS says having an affair was the gracious way out.

Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks left their first spouses to marry each other, and apparently they are among that rarest of couples, happily married after decades and after having an affair lead to their marriage.

But They both have expressed regret about ending their first marriages the way they did...not about finding/marrying each other, but in hurting someone who loved them. They openly tell their children it's "not the way to do it".
Here's what I think is the

REALITY OF OPs and WASs

We all negatively fantasize and project about OPs...but the reality is that when YOU, the LBSer, think they are laughing at a funny commercial with kids in it, the WAS w/kids, is thinking of HER/HIS own children and feeling at least a pang of guilt. Maybe more often and maybe deeper.

This creates anxiety in the OM b/c he knows she feels torn. He must work even harder to be attentive to her and meet ALL her needs, which is impossible b/c she's a mother...and he will eventually resent her family's place in her heart...nice recipe for happiness..NOT.

For every time they have what you fear is "Great sex",

1) they did not have great sex AND OR

2) there are at least 2 times that your spouse wonders why the new OP doesn't know their sweet/sore spots...

or why they talk the way they do before/during/after...b/c only a partner who has had years w/them would know.

(While Some say "familiarity breeds contempt"/ boredom, familiarity also leads to feeling comfortable and safe.)

For every laugh they have, there is a funny memory your spouse shared w/only you/family, which OP does not know & did not share - so it's not funny to OP,

and the laugh exists only with the memory of you.

Same goes for holiday customs, special "moments" and all the HISTORY of your children's lives. Hard to compete with that, over time.

Same for close friends you lose...OP never knew the friend so cannot mourn with the WAS.

For every night you imagine your WAS "living the single life" w/o kids to saddle her down, there are 5 times each day she aches to hold her children or share a thought about them with you, or tuck them in, comfort them when they awake from a nightmare or are sick...

And that's is all true ONLY if your m was pretty bad so that they really might not miss YOU...--still, there's no way they don't miss the FAMILY unit.


And when they see the changes you make as you become the person they originally fell in love with, lovingly interacting with the children you share,

how can they not second guess their choice to leave??

Stay on track with becoming a man only a fool would leave.

GAL. It is something we hammer, b/c we know it helps.

Please, No more wondering what SHE is doing/feeling/thinking. Pointless and counter productive. It really does not help you and only hurts the cause.

Dig deep to become your best self, become the best dad you can become.


Do your utter best. If you truly become the best man you can become,

then leave the results up to God, hold your head high & be at peace.

Happy fathers day all you guys out there.

I got a really nice card from S7 today. A few momments later as I was passing by the W she told me quietly that this past Friday afternoon after S7 peewee football practice the S7 told W that I said to him that I thought he was a terrible football player.
What a mean thing to say.

25,

Thanks for posting that, it really helped me get though a hard night.

dscl- I can say listen to 25 because she is right. I have heard from me H now that he is back all of those regrets she listed. The shame and embarresment of what H did. Not being able to look at himself in the mirror.
H said after about a month he could no longer lie to himself by believing I me-his wife- was the problem. He said he was still unhappy and I wasn't around. THat was a big wake up.
Hang it there.
Finally, it was close to the end I realized I would be okay. Sad that my marriage ended. Sad for my kids. But, I did everything possible to R and if H didn't then that was his loss. I could hold my head high that not one stone was left unturned. He couldn't do the same.
We are R. We share many laughs now. Life is good. But, I also feel good about who I have become. THe kind of parent I am and the wife I work at being. I can only change me. It took me a lot of years to figure that out!!

I thought this was my(first and only)thread, But I welcome all your feedback in these confusing times.

You're right, this is YOUR thread!

Truly. In fact it is your thread that has been hijacked...

Mea culpa!