I haven't posted in about six months. My story is that I had a WAW in an EA for about 18 months before she moved out, which was almost a year ago. I filed for D in July 2010. Initially we were negotiating without Lawyers, but I retained one in October and she did the same in December.
Since then we have been splitting time with our kids. I am still in the family home. I considered selling it but am now going to hold on to it for a while. She is renting but wants to try to buy a house because the kids don't like her place much.
She is dating the guy she had the A with still, but he is a real loser. I met someone last summer and we are still together, although she hasn't been heavily-integrated with my children yet which is starting to cause some strain on our R.
So, that's my history. However, I wanted to tell the Newcomers here some things I learned.
Read this site. I learned a TON here about how to set boundaries and sort out what I wanted to do. I also learned about the mistakes I was making, but many times you can't help it because emotions are hard to control.
Like many of you, I was distraught and very hurt for a long time, particularly before she moved out and I knew she was having the EA (likely PA). It was devastating. I couldn't work, eat, etc. The advice you get here is very good - try to keep your head held high and detatch. I only wish I could have done then what I do now, which is completely detatch but I don't have to try or work at it now obviously. However, you will survive and life will get better.
Don't move out of your house - it is one of the things I did right. If the WAS wants to be with other people, emotionally, physically, whatever, then they don't belong int he family home.
Decide if you need to file for D based upon how you feel and when you feel you have had enough and would not consider R. I did it once she moved out and I got reports about her being seen in town with OM. I also had met someone else myself at that point.
WAWs don't know what they are doing typically and will likely 'wake up' at some point and realize that they did a lot of damage. Mine has finally. We were sitting at court last week while our Ls were in a conference, and she said "Lets forget the whole thing - I'll move back home and we stop seeing other people". I was kind of floored but knew this was coming based upon info I was hearing from others about her recent statements to them.
Do your best with your children and don't bring other partners around them too soon. WAW still hasn't brought her BF around my kids as far as I know. There is too much of a stigma I think becaus my teenagers know he was the one she was involved with when she was here. My GF educated me quite a bit about when is the right/wrong time to introduce others to your kids. She put the brakes on it for me and it was a wise move.
As far as R with the WAW, I am very conflicted. I feel like I have found a great partner that I could spend the rest of my life with in my GF, but there is a lot of work ahead integrating families. Also, I really don't like the BF and don't want him around my kids but would be very open to any other partner WAW might have, so an attempted R would kill that possibility (current BF being with my kids) possibly. I told her no initially, but I know if I changed positions on that she would be willing to do it. IF I don't I know I will always wonder whether or not we could have put it together again especially down the road when integrating other partners and family get difficult.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Tryingtil, Thank you for your update. I am still holding on to hope that my WAW will wake up someday, but that is not stopping me from detaching and GAL. It has been a slow process, but I know it is best for me in the end, no matter what the outcome is. Your post helped me to realize that life will always go on. I do not envy your current situation. We don't have children involved with us, I can only imagine how difficult that is for all involved.
Its been over a year since I checked in here so I thought I would post an update. Here are the basic facts:
WAW started to stray and had an EA (at least) about the time my daughter started High School
I did just about everything wrong according to the advice you get on this site just read all my threads - I begged her to work on M, we went to intense MC which she was not interested in, contacted OM etc. etc. etc.
she moved out 2 years ago and I immediately let go finally, filed for D, and lo and behold, met someone new almost immediately. After being 'single' in my M for several years I was really ready to meet someone new, but to this day if I could have found a way to save my M I would have done it, but you can't wait for WAW forever to wake up.
I am still with the same GF I met just after WAW moved out and have never looked back. We are engaged and getting married in August of this year.
Divorce negotiations were lengthy due to some thorny issues regarding her work schedule (she works part time, and I wanted to pay support asusming that she works full time just like I do), but it was final in April 2012, finally.
WAW has a ton of regret and wanted to move back into our house about 6 months after she left, but I had moved on. Being single and her OM were not what it was cracked up to be, and she still has that opinion as far as I can tell. Its all textbook based upon the advice you get on this forum and in books. They operate in a 'fog' while they break up their family and the only hope you have is that they 'wake up' before its too late. All of the advice you get here is geared towards making that happening (GAL, etc).
To this day WAW is not happy, and regrets her actions and is now giving the advice she used to get from other single moms which is to stick it out in your M if you can and see if you can work on it (she hasn't told me this directly, but she has told others).
My children have weathered the storm as best as you might expect. No matter what, the best things for kids is that their parents stay together. If that can't happen, then there are things you can do to soften the blow and make the integration of new partners into their life as smooth as possible. I can say that that part of it has gone well from my perspective but not for WAW. kids to this day do not care for OM or want much to do with him, but they really like my fiancee. WAW was always self-consumed and self-focused, which is what lead to this with her kids - they see that clearly in her.
In the meantime, I just want to let everyone who is going through the intense pain I was 2-3 years ago that life will move forward and you will be OK. The advice you get here is the only hope you have of making it work without going through what I did (Divorce). I know it now for sure looking back - but it is a hard thing to do while you are in the depths of it all!
When I was in the deepest depths of dispair over W having the EA, etc and the breakup of my family (I had 4 kids, 2 in HS and 2 in middle school at the time), I had no idea how I would surivive and life seemed very bleak. I could not 'cross the chasm' and look at myself outside of my current family situation and 20+ year marriage. I was forced to in the end, however, and found a way to flip the switch.
In the end, I am in much better shape personally than the WAW. One thing that softened the blow is that her family stepped in financially and helped me keep the family home, which was a huge comfort. Everyone tells me how good I look and how they can see how happy I am, and I have found a new partner.
I never could imagine being with another woman and now I am with someone that I could not have even imagined. She is very intelligent and beautiful and has been a huge help and inspiration to me as I go through the divorce process, and was really the ultimate reason why I was not willing to take the WAW back.
Stay strong all of you who are being walked away from - your spouse does not know what they are doing most likely and in the end, either way you will be OK.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Hi Trying, also wanted to thank you for this update. It is good to read the success stories from both perspectives (reconciling and happily moving on). Sounds like you took the best fork in the road for you, Congratulations and enjoy it!!!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Stay strong all of you who are being walked away from - your spouse does not know what they are doing most likely and in the end, either way you will be OK.
^^^^ This.
Either way you will be okay, or may be you won't, but you do have that choice.
So choose wisely.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
