Re anger, when I spoke to him, I asked him just that. What is he doing to let go of his anger? He said that he thinks time will heal it which is why he is withdrawing.
I said to him that I am willing to sit down and talk with him for as long as it takes, but that he needs to be willing to talk and make a conscious choice to also let go of the anger. I said this because of my own experience with deep seated anger, and told him so.
I also asked him if anything was resolved simply by withdrawing from it/the person? He couldn't think of anything in particular. I asked him about anyone he continues to hold a grudge against. He mentioned one person about 7 years ago, who he no longer sees and he still can't be bothered with him.
I can only speak from my own experience really. Anger rarely left me unless I spoke about it to the person in question. I needed to understand the other person's perspective in order to let go. It helped me to understand that it wasn't so personal. Otherwise, one can just paint the other person in the worst possible light which feeds the victim mentality.
I told him this is my personal experience, and that we often (in the past) talked through issues and helped the other person understand. At one point in my own life, I had a lot of issues with my own parents. I held onto that anger for a long time, and it did me no good. It was only when I sat down and started talking to them that I made the decision to begin to let go of my anger towards them because I could see them in a different light. My mother also changed over the years so that did help my process, and she was also very willing to talk and be open at that point in time. For a long time though she too was very defensive which didn't help the situation. But during my letting go process, she did open up for the first time in a long time and we had a chance to properly connect. It was the best decision I made because it freed me from all my anger and resentment. Today, my relationship with my parents is so strong and it was the best thing I did for myself.
I explained that anger is very damaging towards relationships of course, and certainly to one's self.
He was with me as I went through this process and he saw my own transformation. So, he does have the evidence of it.
Then he said, "Well then maybe I should go with you to Greece to have time to talk."
Maybe he will think about it over the day. We shall see.
I lost it this morning. I had asked my H about the credit card on Sunday. He said he would get it sorted out. Yesterday no phone call, no response. So I called him this morning and asked him again. He said he forgot. That just sent me over the edge.
The first time ever in my life I told him to '**** you, and **** off! Enough is enough!"
The first time ever in my life I have spoken to him like that. This is not a good sign. I am clearly over stretched in this situation. I have never wanted our relationship to degenerate into such foul language and I have never allowed that of myself or of him. I've just broken my own principles. So, I'm definitely losing something here.
He then sent me umpteem emails telling me how unreasonable I've been, how this is exactly the sort of thing he hates, that he can't stand it when I call him out of the blue and let rip, that I am being uncivilised, that he is angry with me and I am disrespecting his feelings.
He is now absolutely insisting that it has been only 6 months since we have been separated. The more I say it is 2 years, the more he now says it's only 6 months.
I'm at a total loss.
So, I emailed him back saying look, I'm tired, I'm confused, I feel that no matter what I do it's always wrong - can't win. He doesn't want to see any of the good times - only the bad. I barely spend time with him and he says it's too much time. He's so angry and though I respect his anger there comes a time when enough is enough.
Sorry to hear that YC. One thing I decided this year was that no matter how other people behaved, or treated me, I would not let them control my behavior. I guess that is basically getting control of my actions, regardless of my emotions. It feels really great most of the time, but I still slip up now and then.
There's nothing wrong with your emotions of anger and frustration...but what you choose to do with them is your own.
Well, the email exchange has cooled down a bit, and he sent this in the end:
"Perhaps a different way of explaining my situation is that I actually feel like not wanting to be with you – right here right now. There is a large part of me that wants to break free. But knowing myself (a bit) I also sense that there is an anger clouding over this view, which – I fear – if I break free from you and the anger goes away over time then there will be some deep love left underneath – i.e. the baby/ bath water argument. Because – I’m also thinking – surely there is some deep love there given that so many other aspects of our 15-17 years have worked so well – and perhaps all these issues are really small fry in the grand scheme of things – like my old mum keeps saying. I don’t know – I’m thinking back and debating whether I was/ am happy – including/ excluding the anger – and I’m still not clear about this.
I know this is saying the same thing that I’ve said before – but it’s a different way of expressing it."
I'm have the day off today so I'll be going out to a gallery and take a walk. See how I feel.
hi yc, i can see a lot of my H in your H's email. he's, more or less, said the same things to me. he's trying to figure out if we can be happy together again.
what i can't do is give him "more of the same" that drove him away. most of what drove him away was my anger, bitterness, and withdrawal from him.
if he gets any of that from me now, he pulls back and it reenforces his decision that he would be happier without me.
i have lots of anger about our current situation. i talk a lot about it with a friend or with myself but i can't show him anger.
if i'm angry, i don't communicate with him. i first try to talk myself through it and calm myself down. most of my anger is a result of a fear i have and how i blame him for it.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
That resentment of theirs is getting old, I must say! I am sensing in me a desire to change this routine.
I don't know how you do it Scared - keeping it all to yourself/friends. Are your friends still hanging in there with you? For me, I think one has pretty much given up on me, and another is hanging in there but - I don't know. I sense my vibe is getting tiring too.
After the email exchange earlier this week, I have distanced (emotionally) myself from my H.
However, before I make any major decisions, I am going on holiday to Greece. My H decided to come as well - even after all that!! I'm at a total loss about him.
Otherwise, I am keeping myself busy with work now, and friends. I think this whole thing is affecting my ability to make new friends. I feel too serious or heavy or something. I want some happiness and fun and to let my hair down. I seem to have forgotten how to do that lately.
I went out with some friends on Thursday and there was a new girl there who was so happy because she was preparing to get married in August. OMG! I can't imagine what I came across like, but I was warning her of the pitfalls. Poor girl!
yc, i don't know how i do it. i would never have thought i would have this much patience. sometimes i think, if i were a lot younger, i just might tell him to go f$%k himself and take off.
i think a lot of what helps me is the true desire to be a better person than i have been.
sometimes i read on here what some of the LBS's have said of their WAS's behavior and i think, "i've done that", and i'm so ashamed of myself.
there's no fixing the past. i can only "fix" myself and only going forward. each day i make mistakes but each day, i have a learning experience from them.
i ordered "co-dependent no more" and am looking forward to reading it. i googled co-dependency today and was very shocked and sad to realize how much of it applies to me and my life.
most of my problems have come from not setting boundaries and trying to make others happy while tying my needs to theirs. as the resentment built up, it was too hard to bare and i became a very angry and bitter person.
i also realized it was a pattern in all my relationships with men. if i R with H, there would have to be a lot of changes we would have to make together. if i don't, the next R will be better because i will be better and i will take care of my own needs more.
my friend has not given up on me, yet. she's a very good listener and is as confused about my H as i am. sometimes she thinks i should stay and sometimes she thinks i shouldn't; just like i think.
i'm going on a trip soon and hoping it will help me detach. i know now that it is something that is crucial to my happiness.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Sorry to hijack, but I need some advice. I'm scheduled to go to Paris on a vacation in two weeks. Originally, my H was going to go, then not, said he would think about it and was leaning towards going, then said he didn't feel like it. (That was abiut a week ago.) I'm sad and sort of afraid to go alone. (My H and I went to Paris two years ago and had a great time.) Should I ask him to reconsider or be strong and go alone?
