Ok... So I got a reply from W and it all it said was "I'd like that". So IF she does show up it will be my first chance to be around her and not bring up the R. I know it's going to be hard because the whole time I'm going to be thinking of her being with OM. Also going to make sure I choose the time and place and will also make sure I'm going to be the one who says when it's time to go.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Sorry your posts are gettung moderated byt try to stick to 1 thread until 100 posts.
Originally Posted By: dscl
My first post got pushed way back to page seven before they showed on site. Doing a new one hoping folks can give me some idea.
So this morning I login to my bank acct to pay some bills and I see a charge the W for a local hotel. So this tells me she did not go to LA. While I had feels she never went, my issue is that she knows money is tight and still spent money to stay at hotel. I want to tell her that she knows money is tight and she could have stayed here in the guest room but with the meeting we have for Monday(see first thread) I thinking should I wait to then, tell her now or stay dark about the whole thing?
Get your divorce preparation done asap... seperate bank account, photos of all property... document all time W is away and not parenting, screen shot those messages from lover.... document everything, play it cool like you don't know, then if she brings up divorce, you can lay down the law.
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
So I could no longer take it. I txt the W and told her I knew. She txt back what are you talking about? I said I would not discuss it over the phone, with 30mins she was here. I ask her do you have something to say to me? She got very defensive and told me to stop playing game. I told her this is not a game, I reminded her that the last time we talked I asked her not to lie if she had feelings for someone else and you did. She finally said yes she was with someone else. We talked for about an hour about all our old issues I told her I knew we both mad mistakes but I wanted to fix them. I ask her if she lover the OM, she got quiet so I asked again, and then she said YES. I told her that she had to choose our family or OM. She said she needed couple of days to think about it.
I said OK, seeing it was late and raining I could he she could stay in the guest room, and she said OK. I went to me room and sat in bed thinking about things and then it hit me, why does she need a couple of days t think about family or OM? Why I'm I given her this time and letting her sleep in our family house when she told me she loves OM? So I went to her room and told her I made up my mind. You either leave OM and commit to making our M work, or we can't begin to fix us. She told me she still needed a couple of days. I told her that it not an option, you either want to work on our M or you want to be with OM. She started with the ITLTL speak, and I told her we have not even tried to fix it and I did not want to be a plan B if the A with the OM did not work.
She said then fine, I choose him. I then said OK you have to go and she left. I don't think it was fair to ask me her H of 10yrs to give her a couple of days to choose her family or some guy she has been with for a month.
I don't know if this was the wakeup call she needed or the beginning of our D. Either way, I'm ready to move on.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
You're not ready to move on. What you need to do is stay still.
When Cadet says that you W is giving you the gift of time it means right now your M is in limbo so you need to use this time wisely. She didn't tell you about OM, she didn't tell you she wanted to end it, she said she'd go to MC and you have given her loads of ultimatums. I'm not sure on the whole letting her live there while she's in a R that began before you split. But I do think that any time you bring up OM or your M you are putting pressure and putting her in a position to make a choice.
Give her space, give her time, and give yourself space and time. She needs to miss you. And you need to sever ties as much as possible so she knows what it is she's really choosing. When things come up like D's swimsuit resolve to do whatever you can to solve the issue without involving her. GAL, keep working out improving the house and your appearence, let her notice your changes don't bring them up. Be polite and happy when you're around her but not like a H. Take and honest look at what you did in the R and how you'd like to be a better partner in the future whether to her or someone else.
We have all been there...for me it was sobbing on the side of the house when I told S I was going out for a smoke, when I had panic attacks, stalked his FB page, begged, pleaded, thought my life was over...it will get better. You will find a strength you didn't know you had. The aim to be a person that only a fool would leave. If you can better yourself it will cause a change in your R, because old patterns can't be repeated if both partners are the same. The knee-jerk reaction is to lash out in anger and resentment but you have to keep the road home paved smooth if you want at the very least to have a good co-parenting R with your W.
Keep posting you'll come off mod and if you continue to post people will come and reply.
Don't know if your are sleeping or just don't want to pick up the phone but I'll send you this email because I want to put my thoughts down.
What I told you last night are my true feelings and I'm still conflicted, but when D7 got up this morning she gave me a hug and said good morning daddy, I saw again how important you and her are to me. While the affair has hurt me and I know that our marriage was in danger way before the affair, I still think that we could work it out if we committed ourselves to our marriage. I understand that the hurt of the past has caused you to not be sure that we can survive and feel that it would be more of the same, but it still hurts that you would not take the chance on us. I understand your pain and hope that at some point you could talk to me so we can begin the healing, but until you are sure that you are willing to be with me and only me this cannot happen. I will not ask that you give me an answer by a certain date, but I think it would be best that I don't contact you until you do.
After I sent this email, it bother me because it made me look a little soft but I do want if possible to save our family, but conflicted that she is willing to leave me and D for a co-worker she has been with for a month.
I want to go dark now, but we where suppose to take D7 out tmw for a treat, and Im wondering if I should txt her to let her know that I still want het to come and spend time with D. Also, D birthday is a couple of weeks away and I of course want the W to work with me to make sure the day is special for her.
Going forward I'm going dim, will only reach out if it's about D or house bills.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Unfortunately, this isn't the movies. When we press for the W to decide me and the family or the OM, it will usually be the OM.
I am not the posterboy for this situation because I am making mistakes, but I can tell you what I learned. - This time to think isn't about the OM and whether she loves him more than you. There is a bunch of stuff going on inside her head. The OM is the easy escape because it is still in the honeymoon. She can be with the OM and not be judged, not have to make any decisions. She gets all the good, none of the bad.
Gift of time -- USE IT
- The OM is nothing. Do not waste time and energy thinking about it. Mine doesn't have a name. When I have spoken to the W about the OM, it has always been 'he'. I refuse to give him a name. The sooner you can put it out of your mind, the better.
- Whatever you think is happening, is probably worse. Accept it. When I get down and call my buddy, he just repeats to be "It isn't something we don't already know".
- Stop the chase. Give her the time. Make her miss you. This is where I am failing. W wants to do things with me still. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I am getting much better at this. It is getting much easier to turn down her requests. When I turn them down, she asks me more. When I finally agree, she can go a week without needing to see me. I am being used, her Plan B.
- Your W is an alien right now. Accept it. Don't believe anything she says and half of what she does. This is actually true. I can guarantee you that she does think about you. But if you chase or push, you are making her decision for her. How do you like it when people decide your fate for you?
Be strong. It is a rollercoaster. You will have good days and horrible bad days. People are here to help. It might take time, but read and listen.
One last thing: Do not make the mistake I made. Do not pay to set her up in an apartment. If she wants to leave, she does it on her own. Split finances immediately.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
So I think I won't txt W about taking D out for her treat, but will reach out when it get's closer to D's Bday to see if she want to go shopping for gift.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
