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Just an update. Things are quiet today. W and I are working out a way I could take the S12 & S7 on a trip to South Dakota to visit my little brother to do some fishing and time at a riffle range. These are two intrests that the boys have but I'm not involved with at this time. W seems motivated to find a way to make this trip possible. Big "+"
I really like times like this when we've worked together to do something.
Not sure if I'm breaking any rules, but it feels right.

Anyone help?

If it makes sense to her, it makes sense to her. She probably has a good rationale for everything she's done. That doesn't mean you have to see it that way.

It doesn't need to make sense to you. A lot of what happens in these situations doesn't make sense to the LBS. Tying to make sense of it will drive you batty.

I'm sure you've heard this before but getting out of her head and working on detaching is the only thing you have control of.

Work on you. Become the man you want to be.

You wrote this in an earlier post: I've given up on the DB'ing as it seems she knows exactly what I'm doing and when I show happiness she is cruel and going forth with her affair. But when I'm depressed she is almost the opposite.

Do you see how you've given control out you and your emotions over to her? That's not healthy.

What complaints did she have about you?

Which ones made you cringe? Which do you agree with?

What have you done to change those things in you?

"What complaints did she have about you?"
1. Leaving her and the boys on the day of her dads funeral.
I agree that was a wrong thing to do, and I am deeply sorry for that.
2. Not spending enough time with the boys and her.
I realized this after she mentioned it. My parents didn't spend much time with me, especially my dad. I wish she would have made this argument to me earlier. But I've really enjoyed this now as I'm doing this alot lately.
3. Givining her evil looks when she sat on the couch all day and sigh when I walked by her.
This is the big one I wish I'd handeled differently. I was afraid to confront her on this one in a caring way. Still I'm not sure what I should have done instead.


"Which ones made you cringe? Which do you agree with?"
#3 defiantly, and all of them

"What have you done to change those things in you?"
I read alot on how to read my wife and to communicate properly.
I'm still learning how to read her and the communication is difficult to employ right now.

Kind of a quiet day again.
I got home from work(3rd shift)about 8:30am and W was gone, I guess out for a walk (noticed her walking shoes were gone).
I caught up on some Email and made myself some dinner and read the newspaper for a bit then got a call from the Pastor at the church we go to about tommorow mornings meeting. He wanted to know if the W was coming tomorrow since the MC ended last week and was canceled for future MC. I told the Pastor that she would only come if it was on how to talk with S12 & S7 about the separation. He still wants to try and save the marriage and he understands the sitch.
This should be intresting tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous.
I read my bible for a bit and went to bed. I caught a bit of a cold over the weekend, and was looking forward to some sleep.
Another old coworker I've been doing bible study with has offered me a job for the company he works for. But is a little over an hour commute each way and is first shift position. I mentioned this to my W the other day and might look into an apartment halfway between here and Chicago, but the rent would be much higher. This evening W asked if I was going to take the job? I told her that I was meeting with him tonight before my job, but thought it was too far of a drive each day. I ended the conversation and left to get out because I felt it was going to get ugly.
I felt like she was getting ready to push some of my buttons.

Well...

We know "what" you feel you did.

WHY?

and

How can you change? If you want to. Do you want to?

and if you do

Don't do it for her because it won't be real

and then

She will sniff you out like a drug dog at the Miami airport.

Just a quick additional thought.
I sure wish I could quit my smoking habit. 25 years ago when we first met I was a non-smoker and she smoked. I picked up the habit from her when we dated and have tried to quit lots of times since.
When the W found out she was pregnant with our first she quit cold turkey and hasn't since then.
I don't like my habit, and feel that the S12 and S7 don't like it.
I feel real uncomfortable leaving after a meal to go outside and have a smoke instead of continuing in the family talks.
And lately with all the stress it has picked up alot more. My doctor though recommended that I not try to quit while taking my anti anxiety medication. Strange huh?

Did you apologize to her for the remark you made about her going out with the OM and ruining the marriage a few days ago?

No I didn't.

IMO you should apologize. Women have a long memory about stuff like that. I get the fact that you feel hurt and disrespected. Believe me I do, but if you burst out like that, it makes you sound weak, out of control and insecure.

If you want to make an impact, pack her bags, tell her you're not willing to have her in the home when she sneaks off to other man's house (then when she protests, tell her you have proof), and that he can have her and the children stay with you while she enjoys her new life.

That will shake her up.