Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

No problem. I don't always post in other threads because I don't feel I have much advice to offer, but your thread seems very similar to mine. My H had an EA/PA (didn't go very far, didn't sleep with her, but made out, kissed, etc), I told him it had to stop now, it did, but I feel like he resents me, too. I send OW an email telling her never to call my parents' home ever again (we were housesitting at the time), that she is destroying my marriage and that she had to leave him alone. He feels very differently about her now and can't stand to hear about her, but I feel like I destroyed his fantasy relationship with her.

I can totally relate to your sitch.

lio-

wow..i do respect you for the way you stood up for your marriage. that took alot of courage. i guess it didnt help, which really sux. i have been struggling with that issue myself. as of now i have chosen to leave it alone in hopes my W sees OM for the scumbag he is. if not, i guess they deserve each other. thanks for the recap. im sure it wasnt fun talking about it again.

I am literally at a loss for words and action.

Assistance needed please!


I talked to h last night on the phone. He was drunk (abnormal), drinking alone at a ba (abnormal) I jokingly asked him which girl he was with. He was angry until he figured out I was joking. He asked me to come. Over (and gave me his address finally).
He wanted sex but kept trying to make sure I knew there was no 'emotional' connection.
I saw his apartment that had no furniture. He had boxes and clothes all over, and was sleeping on the floor. It made me upset and I didn't think that our son should see him living like that and he needs stability. Wrong thing to say.


highlights:
H said he didn't want to be married because he couldn't work on his "businesses" that he wants to start

He hates having to take care of the house and us.

There isn't anything wrong with me

He didn't want responsibilities

He liked being able to go from work to home to do his art without having to interact.

He's was drunk. This is abnormal. He sounded depressed on phone.

we had argument that I tried to avoid (but I was tired, hungry, and emotional after seeing him for the first time in a week). He kept trying to kick me out when I disagreed with him. I should've left but I sat there like an idiot staring at him and beg, pleaded with him. I asked him if he was happy because he still seemed depressed. He told me he didn't care about anything and I could see him shutdown.
He promised me he was going to contact a counselor immediately so he could talk to a neutral party.


Eventually I left, but before I did, ihe thought it was 'funny' that I was so fixated on him dating. He said he has no interest and no time....(heard that before) He told me that there really was no physica relationship with that "ow",.. that he was enamoured with her and honestly there was no sex, and he absolutely slept on the couch by himself. I asked him why he said he did and he said it was because I was so angry about him lying, he figured I would end the relationship and he could pursue the ow and no responsibilities of taking care of house and me. That fizzled immediately when she harshly rejected him, now I understand why he could get over her that fast.

For the last 3 months I tortured myself over what she had that I didn't. I wrote emails, calls... trying to make sense of it.

When what he is telling me as far as I can mindread is that I absolutely need to back off. I need to set up day care and definitely put my house on market. I said to him that I needed him to be honest with me. As he is going through this period, and feels like his life has been so unsuccessful, especially in his desire for his businesses, I need to know what he needs from me so I can take care of what I can (daycare, allocating our old budget differently... whatever).

I received a voicemail today with an apology (that has. Never happened before). I called him to apologize for my half and to say I was embarrassed that I failed in that I allowed lack of food and sleep affect my work of controling my temper..

So I messed up in this whole approach.

Back to square one. Retreat!

As our interactions are so few, do I tell him that I'm backing off and to let me know if needs anything?

I need to continue to work on getting house up for sale.
He can't handle any "work" or requests I haveon my end at our house
Backing off...

Don't tell him you're backing off if you're backing off. Just do it. And if he needs anything he'll let you know without you telling him to in advance. Sorry you are going through this; hang in there.

^^^ Agreed. Do what you have to do to get your house sold, without his help. Hang in there.

Just checking in.

I've been down in the sw staying with my inlaws for a few days. I know, probably seems odd considering their son and I are seperated. I'm here picking up my son and getting a break from the allday rain up at home.

Haven't talked to h since his apology call. I did send an email letting him know what we were up to and how different son is in the sun (he's actually playing outside, getting dirty and he is loving it he says..)

Haven't heard from h if he will come vist when we get back. We haven't really talked to s about the living situation yet, and I requested that for now h comes over to see s (ill make myself busy) because as far as s knows, as always daddy gets home after bedtime and is always there in the morning. I never heard from h about if he would honor the request. He isnt direct right now when I ask a question.

Will continue to work on house when I get home tomorrow.

What do I do when H won't give an answer to anything, via phone or email?

I'm avoiding big conversations, big topics. But things like:

"Heya H. We have xyz furniture that I'm wondering if you want? I will sell if I don't here from you by Friday," (he has zero furniture and is sleeping on floor) and all the furniture I have is extras.

"We need to enroll s in school. Any preference? No response

Hi LIO - Do you normally communicate over email? Have you both emailed and called on these topics? (Not necessarily recommending that you do, just wasn't clear from your post). With the furniture my instinct is to say sell it if you haven't heard from him and the deadline you gave him has passed BUT if he filed for D you will want to tread lightly on any issues of joint property or things that will cause problems for you through the D process.

He is probably still down about having had you see his apartment in shambles, as well as your big emotional conversation. But, MINDREADING, we can't know what his deal is.

For S, I would email him very clearly that you need to make a decision by X date for enrolling him, and say that if you do not hear from him by Y date, you will be enrolling him at Z school.

You say you are going to back off but you keep rushing in. Looks like one decent interaction and you go in full force. Then you have a bad interaction and you swear you are going to back off like you said before.

If it isn't about your son, no discussions right now. If he wants furniture he needs to handle that by either buying some or by asking you. Quit trying to save him, he needs to handle this in order to grow up.

kat

Agreed. If it's not about your son, don't contact him. If he wanted furniture, I'm sure he would have asked you before now. It sounds like he's in a bit of a manic phase and doesn't really see how messed up things are. You say he sounds depressed, but it sounds manic, the wanting to go and work on his art, his businesses, wanting sex but no emotional connection, etc. I'm not a therapist, but it sounds a little weird and if you think he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, it sounds a little similar.

I know how hard it is to back off and not fall into old patterns, but you really have to do this right now. Yes, he called and invited you over, but I'm pretty sure that he's telling you he wants his space. If you have to email him about your s, give a timeline for a response (ie, "I need to enroll S in school by next Tuesday. I'm leaning toward XYZ school. If I don't hear back by Monday night, I'll just go ahead and enroll him". And then follow through with it. If he has an opinion on the matter, he'll let you know.