Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Crimson....just checkin' in.

25, it's one thing to be able to see it, but what does he do about it? I'm not sure one can just "choose" to change their habitual outlook on life, especially when it's ingrained for a long time. Can you shed some light on your journey to get there?

Plan wait is plan fail.

Busto I love how you just tell it how it is

Yeah - probably would have been better articulated as "hope" not "wait".

Hehe, I had much of the same said to me, early in my sitch.

Seriously, though, what are you doing in terms of Plan GAL. I made myself short-range goals (2-3 day timeframe) and long-range goals (month timeframe) about things I wanted to do in different aspect of my life, and tried to keep myself honest with it.

Plan GAL does wonders for snuffing out the Eeyore in all of us. And get our positive mojo back.

Crimson,

I think that letter is great, however it makes this whole thing more confusing. I am sure it makes you think “why”.

My guess is that she doesn’t even know “why”. We can all speculate and it amounts to a hill of beans. There may or may not come a time when your W wants to work on your R. In the meantime, utilize your time wisely.

Ultimately us LBS’s have to get out of the way of our WAS’s to allow them to live the reality of their decisions. We are on separate paths with our spouses during this time.

Therein lies the beauty of this mess my friend. We have control of the choices we make on our own paths. It is an opportunity to become better people. To learn from our past mistakes and grow as individuals. Embrace it as a gift.

Where do you see yourself in a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? My answer, a happy and healthy place that is not dependent on anyone else.

Positivity breeds positivity and it is attractive. bustorama gave you some great advice on GAL to get your mojo back. It did wonders for me.

LITB - no sh*t it made it more confusing! I am sure that was not her intent, but I'll tell you - when I read it I was asking myself over and over again "are you describing someone that you want to leave??" - no matter, I think it is potentially indicative of the fact that she is internally conflicted on one level or another.

These last week or so, I have been feeling better. My co-workers even noticed at lunch and made joke about me CLEARLY have "contact" with a woman recently. Not true, of course - but I will say that I have had a decent PMA as of late. My psychyatrist telling me to just get through one day at a time really helped. Simple advice, but I sure as hell was doing anything but. Life seems more digestable at this pace.

Also, W has been very nice this last week or so. Texts often, sends pictures - etc. She even made a little paper "tie" for me with S at the Children's Museum for Father's Day. She is a high school guidance counselor and is now off for the summer - I think that helps with the stress a bit. She also has S more often. Of course, she DID text today saying that she could use a break and to let her know if I get off work early: "Every day of the week with no breaks is hard". I wanted to say "yep....isn't is?". Regardless, she has been very easy to deal with recently. She even sent me a voice note from S last night at bedtime.....love that.

Anyhooo.....not reading too much into it. As far as GAL goes, I think I am going to go back to Colorado to visit friends and go camping over the week of the 4th. Wife will be with son out of town for 10 days (remeber that debacle?) and it will help me keep my mind somewhere positive. Think I will go deep off the grid...no iPad, phone or computer.

Crimson

I think the first letter is mostly how she feels about you. She spent time and energy on it, and it was probably b/c she knew you would be hurt by the hearing and that you were confused and didn't know of any positive feelings she had...

THEN YOU HAD THE HEARING..

the 2nd letter was her reaction to the hearing, where she did not get what she expected. I don't know how much of a disparity there was between her expectations and what she got, but the bigger it was, the angrier she must have felt.

Who gets the to wear the target for her anger? You...

What "leverage" did she have?

To tell you she would not want to reconcile. That's her lashing out at you.
She's not indifferent.

So for now, ignore both letters. OR if need be, read the nice one and ignore the second one,

b/c clearly the 2nd one, an email sent right after the hearing, was not given the same thought the first was.


Give her time and show her the same NEW you that you've been showing.

What other option do you really have?

I have no other option, 25 - seriously, that is all I can do at this point.

My heart broke for her a little bit today. I'll explain in a minute - but it is amazing to me that after all that has happened I still hurt when she hurts. There is nothing I can do to help, but it still pains me to see her in distress.

So now that she is off for the summer, the time that S is usually at daycare he is with her. I drop him off on Mondays and Tuesdays in the morning and she has him until I am done with work - well, on Tuesday night he stays with her. Wed, Thur and Fri she has him all day until I get leave the office. So this week she has technically had him Monday through the day, Tuesday all day, Wednesday all day, Thursday all day and Friday all day. I have him now and will have him all weekend. That said, here is the text exchange from today (keep in mind we are getting along just fine).

W: S is whiney . My nerves are shot! Hours now.

Me: Did he not sleep well or is he just being a crank?

W: If you get off early today let me know. Could use a break. Full time all week is hard with no breaks.

Me: OK

4.5 hours later.....

W: What's your ETA? Screaming and whining all day. Could use your support.

Me: Not sure. Will bail out as soon as I can. Boss threw two big things at me that I am trying to finish.

So at this point, I could tell that my w was probably pretty stressed out. S is 2 and can really be active. Not a lot of space in her condo and she doesn't have a TV. She streams kids show for him on Netflix on her MacBook and he has toys and things there. I think he gets bored being there at times and gets cranky.

So I wrap up work early and head out to give her a break and pick up S. As I am driving, I start thinking that I should have made her wait till after 5. Hell, this is HER decision - right? But then I though about the "not my job to teach her a lesson - life will do that". At is seems that life is doing just that.

Then I started thinking it's amazing she can say awfully mean things about/to me - but I am the first person she turns to and expects me to leave work early to help her out. I felt it was the right thing to do - but that thought grinds in the back of my head.

On the way to her place, I stopped and grabbed her a sandwich from a place she likes and a dessert. I was not trying to score points - I would do that for any good friend that was stressed out. I didn't figure she would have it in her to cook - just guessed she would be wiped out.

So when I get there, she opens the door and I could tell S was a ball of energy. I handed her the bag with her food in it and jokingly said "here, I brought you some support". She tried to give it back...saying I didn't have to do that....told me to give it to S for his dinner. Ultimately, she kept it - I said worst case just eat it tomorrow. She showed me a few receipts that I owe half on and I told her I would bring a check by.

Then it started. Her walls broke and I could hear the stress in her voice. I asked if she was OK. Choking back tears she said "it's just been a rough day". She opened up a little more as the tears started to come out and said while crying "I just get angry that this is my life now". I said "I understand". She quickly replied "No, I don't think you do". Not in a mean way...she just....said it. She pulled herself together enough to hug our S goodbye and asked me what I had planned for the weekend. I just said not sure....just need to keep S busy. Her mood was for sure down and I would imagine that when the door closed behind me more tears came.

Seems like today was rough for her. What is she "angry" about?? For once, it was not anger directed at me. Was she insulted that I bought her dinner?

So much of me wanted to say "it doesn't have to be this way" - but I have learned that is not the right thing to do. It's her journey. Alone. I wanted to comfort her - hang around until she felt better - but I left.

Is this reality hitting her??

Crimson

Crimson - this is not unique. My W is exactly the same way. Exactly! She kicked me to the curb and then she got very sick. Who did she call? Me! Last week she ran a red light and t-boned another car and did $10,000 worth of damage to her car and who knows about the other car. Who did she call? Me! I was in class all week and she was home with the kids and was clearly getting tired and so who does she ask/order to help out and rescue her? Me!

This is the same woman who back in September said I never took care of the kids, treated her poorly, was controlling, was selfish, we were incompatible after 18 years of marriage, etc. At the time, I believed her, every word of it. That is, until I started working on myself. Then I realized these were only excuses to justify and rationalize her decision to bail on the M. That's not to say she didn't have a point in some cases but the way she put it, I was evil incarnate.



I know that this was your attempt at validation but you see how she reacted; not good. Better to have said something like, "I can see how having to face this must be difficult. It is hard for me too." Then see where that goes.



I'll bet they did.



I'd say reality is definitely hitting her, square between the eyes. This may be where she begins to realize just where her life is headed and she is scared, and confused, and angry, etc. Best to just validate as best you can when appropriate, continue living your life and remember what Busto said: "they are attracted to our backs."