Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Time to make a decision

Hi all.
It has been 32 months since my H left our home.
This weekend he has the children for five days.
I have been going back and forth about ending this marriage for a long time.
I wanted to preserve my marriage. There is no marriage to preserve except that which is on paper.
I wanted to fight for my family. My family broke the day he left, now the kids alone are my close family.
I felt he and "we" were worth the fight. I no longer feel that way. He is not the person I knew, he will not be the man I married again. I have changed significantly as well and I am not the woman he married ( I'm better).

There is no we. He is not my friend, my lover or someone I can count on. he does not wish to be any of these things.


H is deep in MLC land and peeks out occasionally. He still isolates himself and is as distant as he can make himself without moving to another city/country.

I have a hard time caring.

He has his life, I have mine and it only intersects where the children are concerned. There is co-operation there although he makes little effort to extend himself, beyond the pleasantries it would require in dealing with a stranger.

I am pleasant,kind,generous,accommodating,understanding and friendly.
None of what I have done,or who I have become has made one bit of difference. It can't when MLC is involved. It is a journey they must travel alone, and they abandon and demonize us to do it.

So. Here I am, on the razor's edge, deciding not just my future, but that of my kids. Wish me luck in making a good decision.

Hi Queen!

If it was an easy decision to make, you would have already made it, right?

I've been busy making decisions myself here lately. You and I both know nothing will ever be the same. So maybe we need to control what comes next?

Take the drivers seat. I feel like I have been being driven for awhile now. I took steps to gain control over my life this week.

What is your biggest worry if you decide to move on?

Aloha,

Wendy

Queen

You sound strong and very grounded
You will make the right choice
maybe there is No wrong choice

Peace

Queen,

I remember when you first came here..

So full of anger, frustration, and being the victim.

You have grown. You have changed. You have come to appreciate what is good in your life and appear to be able to see what isn't so good right now.

Just because the changes you have made may not be leading to reconciliation, they do seem to be leading to a better, happier, more grounded Queen...

I agree with Peace, I think whatever decision you make will be the best one for you...

They say MLC can last 5-7 years. So given that time line you are only half way through it. There are no guarantees even with that. The only thing I can say is to follow your heart. When I read your post I got a sense of peace from you. I think you only can make a wise decision from a place of peace.
God bless...

Well my decision I came to is to keep living my life and not consider my H a part of my considerations or decision making process anymore.
I won't push for a divorce, not at this time, though as time continues to march on, I may have to reevaluate that at various points.
For all intents and purposes I'm a single woman.

QofS,

That is the same type of decision that I arrived at.

As Snodderly says, none of us know what the future will bring. Sitting around waiting for it does no one any good.

Keep living your best life everyday while moving forward and choosing joy.

You have come far.

Been well over a month since I posted.
Not much has changed.
I have spoken to my H since and told him I believe it's time to formalize things. That I am not a doll he can leave on a shelf and take down when he feels like it, not a string to cut when something better comes along or a fallback plan.
I told him I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, love someone that loves me back, and seeing as he doesn't ....
He asked me for three additional months to decide what he wants to do. I agreed out of respect for our long relationship and the fact he is doing something about his MLC and getting help.
I don't know how my story will end, I don't much care one way or the other at this point.
I just know I don't want to waste my precious time on someone that doesn't give a rat's behind about me anymore.

Wow - he left three years ago, and you're STILL willing to give him three months to "decide"? You're a bigger woman than I am.

You DO deserve someone who cares about you. So don't spend this three months waiting around for him. (And make sure he's not doing any financial funny business during this time). Spend these three months living and enjoying life, and making plans for a fabulous new future. IF he turns around, you can decide if you want him then. But I get the feeling you've been holding your breath long enough - time now to breathe!

Thanks for your response kml. I'm not holding my breath.
I'm moving forward into whatever life has to offer me.
I still have to have contact with the man as we have children together and they are still young.
Other than that, I think that perhaps this is what has to happen he has to lose me to recognize what he once had.
Some people just have to learn the hard way.