Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband had affair and I believe is in MLC

Rachael,

I sense growth trying to surface...try to compartmenatlize the pain to let yourself gain some insights and improve. We have all been there do don't feel judged.

if it's at all possible (and it probably IS)

hire a DB coach.

The 3 session deal isn't bad when compared it to the t's or mc's we saw here.

I did a lot of things to stay married, including hiring a DB coach, coming here almost daily,

seeing a good t, taking meds, working out and all the GAL things I did.

If I could only see or hire one professional, it'd have been the DB COACH I had.

She was a Godsend for me and we had about 15 sessions in all. So yeah, I'm a fan. Her advice was very specific, which I treasured. She also gave me little mantras b/c I recall taking copious notes when we'd speak. (She retired but I know other coaches get rave reviews too.)

I don't think I ever took notes with any mc's or t's, and I've seen some good ones.

Food for thought.

I have a feeling you are going to love yourself a lot more when you get to the other side of this. And that can radiate...

Check out that workshop too, Essential Experience. It's on the east coast so maybe it's not doable. But you'd get a real paradigm shift, which I suspect you need. I flew in from Alaska to do it, so for me the distance was so well worth it...

Hang in there.

Thanks for your advice.
The cost of the db coach aint cheap! I will have to figure that one out. I have read a few of your earlier posts because I was interested in your story. I am glad things turned around for you. My husband is not affectionate at all but he is still in the home and still sleeps in the same bed albeit as far from me as possible-when he used to sleep smack dab in the middle.

Another problem is the way he treats the kids. My daughter who is almost 22, left at age 18 for 1 1/2 years mostly because of him because he can be very harsh. And because my husband and I fought constantly. It was always a fight because he was bossy or rude and it had to be his way.

My S18, flunked his road test for driving and my husband calls him a screw up. He flunked the parking bit. But I didn't yell because you only get 1 chance and I kinda felt bad for him. My husband told me later that he yelled at my son but didn't want to talk about it. He told me I should have used an old car we had instead of our van so it was partly my fault. Nevermind that he didn't tell me ahead of time to do that. It needed tabs and he also told me the night before to wait and get the tabs on friday even though he knew the test was wednesday. He told me when we were in bed but claims he doesn't remember and maybe not. His memory stinks lately.

Both my sons have ADD the oldest from the 1st marriage is out of the house, the youngest is not graduating this year because he does lousy in school, hates it. My husband thinks his three kids are losers. I Tell them they are NOT! They are not done yet. They are not drinkers or on drugs or loose morally. He looks at guys from work whose kids are at MIT or UofM. My one daughter is at U of M local campus and thats where my husband went. She is struggling to decide on a career but works hard and is a good student. He wants her to go to the main campus but she didnt get in there so he thinks she did it on purpose. I dont think so. My other daughter goes to Baker and is a good student but he thinks about how she went away and just left us a note and didn't tell us where she was for a while. The kids are not that close to him because he doesn't make an effort with them.

Today I am feeling a little stronger. Our neigbor came over the other day and told me he noticed my daughers hub cap came off and that he saw one around the block that looked like it might be hers in front of someones house. My daughter went and found it and it was hers. When people treat me nice like this I think to myself "Why can't my husband have regard for us like that? To behave or act in a way that shows he has regard for me and the kids?" I know I guess I shouldn't do that, it only frustrates me.

whoops! I didn't think the first message up there posted so I accidently put it in twice. Sometimes this computer I have acts funny. I couldn't tell that it posted the first time.

I've not really been following your sitch so maybe there's some endearing qualities about your H, but from what I've read on this last post, your H's behavior sounds just like my father's. I cannot begin to imagine why you would want a life with someone who treats you and your children in such a manner.

Sometimes in DBing we focus so much on changing ourselves to rectify the complaints against us that we turn a blind eye to the way we've been treated.

Amen. I soooo urge you to attend some personal growth workshops-yes they cost money. So does divorce.

And staying this miserable makes me ask, "what is money for, if not to get tools to be happy with?" IF the workshop I mentioned (Essential Experience) can do half for you what it did for me, it's worth half your house...

Just as the WAS revises the marriage to justify their actions and says the m was all hell...the LBSer tends to want to stay m but might not know why. They may tell themselves it "was a good marriage...SOME problems but some good things too" when the reality is that it stank for a long long time.

LBSers can also simply not want to be left. (Who wants to be the reject?)

We don't want to "lose the war" - but there are times

that the war is not worth the costs. Times you walk away.

Your h sounds terribly abusive and destructive.

May I assume you fear being alone or the unknown, more than you fear being in a destructive marriage?

B/C IF THAT IS TRUE, then you need some counselling Racheal...

don't put your neediness or co-dependence ahead of your children's welfare...

You won't end up on the streets if you divorce. You won't die if he goes. And don't forget the GALs. Your kids are really watching you.


Be strong. Don't spend any more of your life feeling like crap b/c someone else treats you that way.

Don't let how someone else acts, ever ruin YOUR LIFE.

Thanks for your posts, I am listening but.....
I am going to stick it out for a bit more to see if the marriage is salvagable. A few more months won't kill me. I'm going to see if God has something in store here or perhaps I will have to walk away. I can walk away anytime. I have been alone before. When my oldest son was 2, I was divorced. Before I remarried, I raised him on my own for 6 years, worked full time and was going to school at the age of 25. I can be on my own if I have to.

Last night when the H came home I came up the stairs and greeted him with a kiss and a hug. No problem there. He wanted to talk to me about work. He said he is depressed about it because he is afraid he may lose his job, but he's been going thru this for months. There have been layoffs and it is a threat so I listened and was supportive and asked questions. I put my arm around him and tried to act like a friend.I felt that the conversation is an improvement over past conversations because I am listening and we are not argueing. Then this morning I reached across the chasm of our bed where he sleeps a mile away and gave him a hug from behind and said "you'll be alright" It was like hugging a stone. So this evening I didn't make any overtures.

We went out to dinner this evening and I accidently knocked over a bottle of olive oil(I get called Lucy by friends because I am clumsy) which did not spill because it had the lid on. But one of his old behaviors cropped up. He rolled his eyes and sighed like I had done something terrible and so I got pissed and said "I don't need that rolling of the eyes. Nothing bad happened." When he saw I was mad he backed off and made a self deprecating remark. I ignored that and told him I just don't need that face for something insignificant. Then of course he had to drop me off and run to the bar to tell his buddies what a rough week he had.

So 25 did you do 3 counseling sessions with DB? I am considering that. As far as the workshops don't think they have it here in Michigan.

Racheal,

Im here agreeing with 25 and GWN....Some marriages really have been pretty bad all along, and through the journey of trying to DB we figure that out.

I know this because this is what's happened to me. Your H sounds like my XH. He was/still is verbally and mentally abusive. Your description of him coming home from work and talking about a frutrating day, then him rejecting your affection the next morning is the exact same thing I went through many many times.

Rejection is horrible and the blow our self esteem's take when they leave is horrible.

But what Im finding out now, is as my self esteem gets stronger, the more Im able to see how awful my marriage was. Im also asking myself how I managed to live through it and why did I put up with it for so long? The answer to that for me is my self esteem literally went down the drain being in such a marriage.

He did not treat me well. Yes it could've been worse. Yes I made mistakes. But I didn't deserve this. No one deserves this.

Currently Im really working on finding my self esteem again. It's coming back.

I would suggest working on that self esteem.... and when it starts to come back many things become much clearer.

Hey Kimmerz
Well my husband hasn't ML to me in weeks. If you read my posts you'll see that he had an affair. He says he does not want to ML to me to use me that way in case this "numbness for me does not go away" I think it's a version of ILYBINILWY. He says he is not seeing the OW and I sometimes believe it and sometimes I just don't know. I have stopped snooping because I haven't found anything and it was driving me crazy. I have started to GAL. I excercise and am gardening which I like to do. I am trying to figure out what else to do. And my self esteem has definitely taken a hit. But I do know I am worthy of better treatment.

I figure whats a few months of DBing gonna hurt? I am a religious person and I know that God hears my prayers. I won't put up with this forever. I am going to try and be patient and see what shakes out. If he wants out I told him he could go, but he hasn't so we will see. If God wants to perform a miracle here's a doozey!

Try Alanon

Isn't that for substance abuse?