Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I just want to be friends...Pt3

YC nice to see you are feeling better (even if it is the rhodiola rosea!). I am also reconnecting with friends - it's like unlocking parts of my heart that had been missing for a long time. Glad to hear you are reconnecting and working on those bonds. (( ))

Hi Verab and Accuray,

Thanks for your feedback!! Yes, it is going to be cooking at home So, he will be very busy indeed. He is also bringing over the food and doing all the grocery shopping.

I just don't have the time since I start work at 930am til 6pm tomorrow.

In addition to Rhodiola Rosea, I'm also taking homeopathic remedies that help sort out anxiety from an energy field. Ignatia 200c is doing the trick. So, the two together are helping in many ways.

So yeah, doing well! I can say that DB is certainly working as well. I did the best I could these last few months. It's been 6 months since the bomb was dropped, and I can certainly say that keeping my mouth shut and letting the hard emotions pass is the way to go. I'm not quite sure what made him turn a corner, as he hasn't mentioned anything in particular. Maybe he senses I'm just getting on with things, maybe I'm not nagging anymore, who knows.

Still, I know there will continue to be work to do.

I like the idea of you two cooking at home. H and I have done that a few times and its been great. (Of course, not so much recently)



This is good stuff. I needed a reminder. Zipping my lips!

Ditto. Love it. I still need duct tape on occasion

H just left. It was a really nice dinner - he brought all the food over and starting cooking before I arrived. I was late coming back as I had to return keys which delayed me. Still, it was great to have such a busy day.

I wasn't quite expecting to feel close to nothing when I saw my H though. I was of course pleasant and polite - but I do miss feeling excited and myself when in his company. I usually felt excited to see him no matter what. I didn't have that today.

Towards the end of the evening, I told him I felt a bit sad about how the bond felt as though it was lessening. I was getting on with my life and doing so much on my own that I'm getting used to it. I didn't have to say anything, but I just wasn't up for much tonight.

He's still angry and resentful he says. He continues to be confused. I said to him 2 years is a long time to feel this way. He then said it hasn't been 2 years for him, and has only been 6 months!!! He keeps telling everyone - including me - that we ended our relationship 2 years ago, so how can it just be now 6 months? The goalposts change without me knowing.

I brought up Greece and asked whether he wanted to go, even though he felt it was a good idea because it would give us a chance to talk and be together. Still, he said he was in two minds - and so I said fine. I will book my ticket and "...then you can decide as you like."

We did ML, but it wasn't as it could have been. I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel close to nothing upon seeing him after a bit too much time has passed.

(((YC)))

i'm a bit confused too - which "bomb drop" are you referring to a couple of months ago? and did your h leave 2 years ago, or 6 mos. ago.

so what did he feel before the 6 month bomb drop that he did - that you know of that is?

I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel close to nothing upon seeing him after a bit too much time has passed.

have you detached, or is that a self-protective mechanism kicking in after the events of the last few weeks and then the silence from him?

glad you decided to go to greece any way - with or without him. that's great!!

if i had the moolah, i'd hop on a plane too!!


zig

Hi Zig,

I'm just as confused. OK, well, there was my bomb drop in July 2010. Then I came out of my funk and he dropped a bomb in January 2011. For him, that was officially the end of our relationship he has said up until recently. After January 2011, he went real dark for 6 or 7 months, then he ended up in hospital with anxiety and panic. After that, I got us back together - no questions asked - living and just being together from July 2011. He then dropped another "I'm done bomb" on 31 December 2011. That just got me. Things were getting better - or so I thought - and I put in so much effort. I kept my mouth shut most of the time, let him get on with his things, got on with my things and just spent time together. In December, I lost my composure (and I do mean that, as I had learned to stopped yelling during that time) on 4 occasions - and that led him to drop another bomb on 31 December (the first was when he went to a club, we had a disagreement over the printer, over a magazine and finally over his mother).

He's been saying it's been over ever since July 2010 however, he explains that he just went along with our living together again but that his heart wasn't in it. I do agree with that because and it was VERY difficult being with someone like that - which contributed to me losing my patience in December.

While he has continuously reminded me (and everyone else) that we haven't been together for 2 years, I always tried to stick to my own timeline of his last bomb in December 2011. It was one of those disagreements we have that's been adding to the Disagreement Pool. So, recently (this month), I started agreeing with him in order to eliminate that disagreement - giving him one less thing to have to resist.

So, I'm now saying 2 years to him. As a result, he is now saying it's only been 6 months (since December 2011).

So yeah, I'm glad I wrote about this because it will help me keep track!!

I can't tell if it's detachment or self-protection to be honest.

I did get a chance to ask him at the very end last night what does he envision as being a good relationship. After some thought, he said, "Love. Just love."

I woke up this morning and felt a desire to invite him over for a vegetarian lunch. There are kids playing outside, and the weather is good (so far), and I'll make a nice time of it.

Great lunch in terms of food and atmosphere.

But that was just too hard in terms of still just being 'friends'. Too cool for my liking, and not a whole lot of inspiration.

Ok, so this evening, after my H left, I had to call him about something. Next thing I know he's getting angry about what I called him about. It's the finances. Then, that burst of anger led to all the other anger he is holding onto and we get into a 3 hours conversation about all the things he's still angry about and why he needs more time to withdraw.

But for the first time, he started to paint of picture of a direction of what he's hoping will happen. That he will have his withdraw time to let all the anger go, and if after all that time he then feels like a relationship, then he will have the energy to come back and restart some romance.

However, he couldn't say when or if that will happen.

I have to say it sounds a lot more realistic then another story he painted a year ago. That story was that we'd divorce, still be friends and be with other people and start going out only as friends.

He said it is very hard to decide what to do because I'm not a horrible mean person. If I were a horrible mean person, it would be an easy choice for him.

We talked so much about the same stuff we've talked about these last couple of years. For example, how I would go on and on and on about an issue and he felt he was pushed into a corner.

I said that I understood how he could feel that way. From my perspective it was different. I would go on and on and on about an issue because I felt I wasn't being heard. He was so defensive so much of those times.

It made him stop and think about that for a bit and he understood. So, in conclusion, I wasn't pushing him in a corner at all but understood that he felt that way - what I wanted was some validation of my feelings. He got that finally (at least for now).

I explained how our own insecurities trigger each other's insecurities and that's when we start taking things personally and feel like a victim.

So yeah, he's stuck in a time warp at the moment - all having to do with the past.

wow - things just come out of left field all the time in these sitches don't they?

though it doesn't sound as if he was still stuck in the accusing stage but seemed to have somewhat of an awareness.

i suppose the million dollar question is, even if they realize that they may want to work on something (getting rid of their anger) and move forward with us - what are THEY going to do to accomplish that - and what's the pivoting point that propels them in that direction.

you have a bit to think about here - it seems , as well as to find out for yourself what you need to do next.

can you see this as a baby step in some way? as you pointed out - this is a lot more feasible than the scenario he painted a year ago?

time warps - crazy place to be - for those in it as well as those standing outside of it

zig