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Your Mileage May Vary...sorry

TM, always great to hear when a LBS gets "the apology".

My only thought on that as an addendum is, if it's MLC then no matter where she is in it, while as snod said she might be having moments of clarity, it is also possible that she only scratching the surface of her understanding or dealing with it.

Keep doin' what you're doing.

STBXW got my stipulations for divorce from my L and was hurt becasue I did not discuss them with her before hand and she was taken by surprise. She particularly did like me being primary residence for educational purposes only. She also reported that she wanted to be friends, but now is rethinking that decision.

After our talk I felt like crap. I should have talked to her before hand. I then realized that I have been avoiding conflict with her throughout our whole relationship, mainly because of her hysterics and the way I feel after the conflict. I usually feel like a jerk and guilty, although most times there is no need to, because it was about a need I had or something that needed to be discussed. After a while, I just shut down. I didn't feel like I could trust her with my feelings or problems because she seemed like she couldn't even handle her own.

I would go to others (friends) to try to get a 3rd person perspective, which would usually blow up in my face because STBXW would be told by big mouthed friend and I would get punished for it.

I also continued to think about whether I want STBXW as a friend or if I could even handle that. I noticed that I was getting really angry and sad while thinking about the whle thing. I still am.

Today I have this overwhelming urge to cry and hide under a rock. I just want to stop hurting and feelings like this.

I believe you may have identified something you may want to work on for you.



AJ

Hi TM,



This is classic HPD/BPD trait and response, our W's seem to share this, so I understand how you feel and felt...man, do I know...

If it were me, I would say something along the lines of: "You are right W, I should have let you know about this beforehand. I wish I had done this differently, and going forward, I will, because I have thought about his and realized that these sort of surprises are not fair to anyone involved..." Others probably have better advice/words.

Then, FORGIVE YOURSELF...everyone backslides, or does something that shines light on something not yet completely discovered or resolved about themselves, etc. I still am dealing with the conflict avoidance thingy in myself.

If I could tell you how many times I have said to myself, in venomous sarcasm (which I can be very, very good at) "Oh, nice job, T2...you effin' a-hole, bet you didn't think you were/could/etc...."

As far as the friends or not question, if I were in your sitch, I think I would have problems with that until she came out of MLC and/or also resolved some of the HPD traits...but that's just me...YMMV...

We do keep finding/stumbling upon rocks to look under on this journey, eh?



T^2

TM,
I'm sorry to hear how things went, but T has made some very valid points.

BTW, don't beat yourself up over this. Have a talk w/her and as T suggested and then let it go. To be perfectly honest w/you, I'm not sure if you had spoken to her prior to receiving the information would have been any different...but who knows w/a mlcer.

She was mad because I didn't talk to her about it first. I know the outcome would basically be the same as she would not agree with some of the things, but she would not have been hurt.

As for feeling bad, I forgave myself. I think that the reality of losing this relationship is really hitting me.

My friend, please take a huge breath and let it out. Right now, the clouds appear dark for you, but you don't know what the future holds for you and your w.

Your wife needs to grow up and it's going to take some time for that to occur. Yes, she's disappointed and upset right now, but what I have observed w/mlcers is that they can't stay away for very long. TM, I don't think you've lost her per se, but as far as the relationship goes, it will need to be a brand new one in the future.

Breath and let it go...there is a reason for everything that happens to us. God has a way of showing us what we need to know and sometimes, it's good and other times, there is pain involved. Step back and allow nature to take it's course for now.

I would say God's plan is always good. Pain or not

I think you should take that breath and then go back and look at what you wrote.

You do not owe her an explanation nor a conversation about your actions. If you give her one it is your choice..no problem either way. If she wants one, perhaps it is time she asks and doesn't try to guilt you into it? (that's what I read in that but could be wrong. Might just be an old pattern she is used to)

As snodderly mentioned, whatever happens next will be new. The old marriage is dead. The new relationship is being forged for better or not. So relax and breathe and get perspective.

Random questions:


What if this was a new woman in your life?
Have you fixed the issues with you yet?
Are you ready for a relationship?

Just asking...

Choose wisely and think long term. Friendship might be a good start...

AJ

TM, whenever I have hurt someone inadvertently, I ask myself was it with intent?

You can apologize if you choose. Nothing wrong with that.

But, dont beat yourself up about it. That serves no purpose except to hold you back.

I will tell you that it probably would not have made a difference either way you did it.

What is important here is that you recognize your reaction to her.

And look inside to see what it is you want to change.

This is a rollercoaster. But, it is also a wonderful opportunity to become the person you were meant to be.

Dont miss out on it by being weighed down with guilt.