Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband had affair and I believe is in MLC

Dear Snodderly
Yes, I have been riding the rollercoaster of emotions that many do here. I sometimes get panic attacks but this website has really good posts which help me. It is a struggle for me sometimes. I know my husband is depressed but I'll be darned if he'll admit it!

I have 4 kids, 2 D's age 20 and 21 soon to be 22. 2 S's age 31 and 18. My Daughters both know because the oldest one heard me having a breakdown of sorts in the wee hours crying to my husband not too long after finding out about the affair. My daughter happened to hear me when she came in late and told her sister. The boys do not know.

My oldest daughter takes a protective stance and watches my back, the other daughter sort of avoids the subject but once said she wouldn't put up with the way her dad was acting she would kick his butt out. There's anger there when she does look at things.

I have been excercising and have lost weight. My h used to comment that I needed to lose weight and now that I dropped bout 40lbs he hasn't commented too much until I asked him if he could tell, even though everyone else could. Right now he walks out of the room if I am dressing. I must be too tempting for him! HA!

I have made a few plans here and there but now I am trying to figure out what to do and maybe getting a job. Thats a big issue for the H. Wants me to work but he has always been a spender and has a good job. He has always kinda neglected certain bills til he got bugged with phone calls or I bugged him. I was taking a break from working outside the home for awhile after taking care of my mom before she died. I go to a family cottage (owned by my dad) And I go there with the kids, which I will this summer. I am looking to find some sort of hobby to get me out and meet new people so I'm not sittin and thinkin so much at home. I do have my faith and a good priest for guidance which has helped.

Like the Spelling Nazi's comment. Made me chuckle.
Thanks for your comment Snodderly. I appreciate advice on here as I am new and feel confused for sure at times.

Rachael,
One of the things that I am going to caution you about is not to pretzel yourself for your h. Pretzeling is when you jump through hoops to make him happy. Many of them will come up with excuses not to be w/you. For example, too skinny, overweight, not physically active, don't keep the house clean enough, don't show enough emotion, etc. In other words, once you get one complaint fixed, they will come up w/another. Live your life for you. Any changes that you make, make them for you...the changes have to be permanent and you have to be happy w/them.

Very few of them will admit they are depressed. They don't think that there is anything wrong w/them. They think it's the relationship, home, work, etc., never for one minute thinking that happiness comes from within and there is something not quite right w/them. God forbid you suggest that there is something wrong and they immediately will become defensive.

If you are looking for a job to fill your time, find something that you will enjoy doing. Don't take something just to be doing it unless you absolutely need the funds. Sit down, make a list of the things that you've put on the back burner over the years and see what you come up with. I bet there are a number of things that you may want to do now.

Read the postings of others as they will help you. Don't be shy and post to others. It's a community of good people who are at various places along the yellow brick road, but I can assure you, each and every poster eithe is or has been in the same position that you are now.

Take care.

Thanks Snodderly
It's true what you say about the depression, he does fit the description of an MLC. I think H can handle expenses but because he's a free spender, he wants me to help pay bills but I don't want to help finance some of his toys. I think he liked the OW because she's got a big degree at his company she has lotza dough I am sure. Her husband cheated on her so she divorced him. How do ya like them apples!

I have had to deal with alot of disrespect in our marriage and he used to say I had to earn his respect. Maybe he was right. My reactions to his slights were to get angry and then withdraw or be sad and it didn't faze him. During the time he had this PA, I was taking care of my mom and they paid me some money to help. But during that time, he was having coffee and lunch etc. with this woman. During a work christmas party he introduced me to her. Later he introduced 2 of my kids to her at a church where she's a big deal. Right after christmas he told me they started the affair. And I was suspecting something in January because that's when he started acting funny. Found out in Feb and my mom passed in March.

Am I wrong or does it seem like this was an extremely hateful and disrectful act for him during such a hard time in my life? Introducing us and then carrying on 2 weeks later?

I am reading other posts so much information and some actually calms me down when I see others handling it and I read good advice.

Your h should be showing you respect. It sounds to me like he may have emotionally abused you at times. I am very sorry if that was the case. As for the ow, there are two sides to every story, i.e., I wouldn't believe everything that I have heard about her. For all you know, she may have cheated on her xh and he booted her out...you just don't know. Her story may have been what drew your h to her.

Rachael, when in crisis, or should I say "lust", the timing doesn't matter. They don't care what is going on out in the world...all they care about is their lust and euphoria that they share at any given moment.

Rachael, you aren't dealing w/a man that has a full deck right now. He's not rational and he's only operating on pure emotions. You can't rationalize w/them when they are in crisis. As for working, I surely wouldn't help him pay for his expensive toys.

Please take care of yourself. I know it's difficult to even think about eating and resting, but your body is going to tell you very soon that you need to step back and take care of yourself.

But you did tell him that you were going to divorce him once child turned 18, not once, but 3 times, correct? and at least one of these times was pre-mlc, right?

Not to excuse his behavior, at all, but...if my W wasn't in MLC, I would have taken her threats to D in a completely different light than I did.

I might have, especially after the third time, concluded that I was just a paycheck/meal ticket so why bother investing anything more into the R? Or, since I "knew" what her plan was, and that her "plan" proved she wasn't committed or loved me anymore, yada, yada, why not start looking at other options, since once child is 18 she would be done and gone?

My W is in MLC, so I learned not to believe her (Sandi's 37 rules), but if she had said it 3 times NOT in MLC.....?

Just giving you a male perspective, and that being said, your H should have smelled the coffee the first time and got IC and you two into MC...but some of us guys are funny that way (and I was one, btw).

T^2

As a follow on to what T has posted. If you did discuss the possibility of divorcing your h after your child turned 18, pre-crisis, well...I can attest to the fact that they remember everything from the last 30+ years and your comments about divorce are right up there in the memory bank. I don't know what it is about mlcer's but their memory banks are like tape recorders and they will bring up things that happened years and years ago and I'm sure that once you told him what you were thinking about doing, that made him all the more "ripe" for an affair, whether it is an EA or PA.

I do agree w/T about the IC for him and MC for the both of you when you began discussions about divorce. Rachael, are you going in for IC? This board is not a professional setting (medical professionals), but we do attempt to help as a sounding board and offer up support, but you may need to go one step further to get to the "root" of the situation so that you can move forward and begin to heal.

Yes I did tell him 3 times in our marriage that I was fed up with being treated badly. I said it in anger hoping to sort of shock him into treating me better. Didn't work. I have been married before for a short time. That husband also had an affair. My oldest son is from that marriage and my current husband had a hard time dealing with my son (ADD) and not always understanding.I get it. He was a bachelor when I met him and was in his 30's. Not that I was perfect by any means. Matter of fact I am forced to look at myself and what I have done with my anger as well. I felt disrespected at times and felt I wasn't heard when I was hurt. I sometimes felt he couldn't accept me for who I was. Sometimes his anger was justified. I surely regret how I acted and regret what I said. BUT I didn't go to another man to get the positive attention I very much wanted from him.

Right now we are not going to counseling. We were and we were supposed to go together after going separately but my husband is too busy right now. I asked him to make an appt because of his schedule and he hasn't so I haven't brought it up lately.

I think that this therapist should have been giving suggestions about what to do. She told me to tell whom I needed to get support and not much else. She said she was just listening to my H and my H is fine with that. I thought of getting another Therapist but H doesn't want to and is good with this one.

T you are right he said it was the third time I threatened divorce that it that made him go numb. As to the MLC. He has been worried about his health for years. Every time he had any physical issue he would worry it was somthing serious. It got worse and more frequent as time passed.

Now I pray everyday and I am trying to make changes. So one example is that when he does something to me that he accuses me of doing like leaving things in his car (he left some stinky garbage in the car I drive and didn't take it out) I calmly told him about it and said please treat me with respect the way you want to be treated and he said "you're right". That was a much better interaction than usual.

Rachael,
I thought you might have mentioned divorce when you were angry to try to shock him. Unfortunately, it doesn't work all of the time and I have a feeling your h's has learned to tune ou out when you are angry.

A child w/ADD takes a very special person to understand how their mind works. Many people don't understand that the children look normal, but their brain wiring is a bit scrambled, but these kids are gifted in their own way. I can see where he may lose patience w/him, not only because of the ADD, but because your son isn't his biological son. I'm so sorry about this. I'm sure your son tries very hard to do things right.

Can you go to this therapist separately? I don't think your h is going to go back to see this therapist. I might be wrong about that, but if he truly wanted to do it, he would find a way to make time for it. You need support and if I were in your shoes, I would make an appointment and go on my own. If I'm not mistaken, therapists will not tell you what to do in all cases, they listen and may offer up some suggestions, but they generally just listen and allow patients to talk and hopefully work through their issues.

I hope that you can find a way to detach from him and his behavior. I know that it's been ongoing and there appears to be some passive-aggressive behavior going on w/him as well. If that is the case, it can be very annoying and yes, it's a way to provoke you into anger. You will need to find a way to diffuse that anger, maybe punch a pillow, take a walk or a drive, but don't take it out on him. When you feel the anger building, walk away from him and cool down before you address the issue. It has been said many times that if you speak in a softer tone, people will hear you loud and clear and will be more likely to actually listen to what you have to say.

Good luck and seriously think about seeing the therapist on your own. You need that extra support.

Rachael

you are getting a lot of good advice. I hope you are taking it in and really processing what is being said.

This isn't so much about what your h is doing or asking why why why...or whether it's MLC

or he's a WAH

or if he simply finally reacted to the times you threatened him with divorce...and it does NOT matter that you felt justified in witholding affection or saying those things b/c guess what?

They did not help! Just as I relate to some of what you wrote earlier, and how I used to "greet" my h at the door with my arms closed, literally and figuratively to punish him for not being with me/the family more--I never thought I was "punishing" him, I thought I was "teaching him a lesson" but it's not our jobs to teach our spouses life's lessons. Life does that for them.

The focus here must shift, from him to you b/c

the only person here who you OR we can help is YOU.

The reason we hammer that line about "Getting A Life" is because it WORKS!

It makes you more interesting to the spouse BUT MORE importantly it helps you become happier again.

Please commit to joining something that involves NEW people in your life
(writer's group, knitting, walking, crafts)

AND OR

taking a class in something you always wanted to know about AND OR
(foreign language, cooking, musical instrument, theater,)

getting a job or volunteering at a cause you believe in.

(PTA or Hospice or a Women's Shelter or a Homeless Shelter or soup kitchen or Church group)

I did all of the above and more. I'm not bragging-just saying that it's the most I ever worked at just trying not to feel miserable

and then, I wasn't miserable...and then...I was happier than I had been in a long time.

A lot of your posts are about what he's done to you or how badly he has treated you and mistakes of the past on both sides.

As I said before, a big regret of mine was how much time I spent on things I never had control over. I kept on asking WHY h was doing this and whether it was MLC or if he was a WA-

(which I do NOT believe makes any difference, btw)--YOUR h may be in a MLC but much of his behavior is NOT NEW, per you,

and your course of action is the same regardless.

Plus, imo, the idea that the MLCer is more likely to "snap out of it" than a WAS, is debatable---I don't know any statistics on this. I DO KNOW that


I wasted too much time on unanswerable questions, time I could have spent on changing ME and MY LIFE faster

and setting a better example for my kids for how to handle a setback in their lives, for they will all have them.

You are modelling for your children what to do when life gives them a setback or they feel betrayed. So what are you teaching them?

Are you going to curl up in a fetal position and become bitter?

OR
be a woman of strength and dignity who faces the issues, & confronts her own part? Will you move forward with a hopeful approach to life, b/c you knows deep down you are becoming a loving lovable woman?

That cliche "become bEtter, not bItter" is a good one.

What is your biggest fear? Address that with your t or your L and or yourself.

Have you seen a L to discuss what your rights are? It's really the least you can do (considering the threats divorce AND then his affair)

but I woud NOT tell your h you are seeing a L. It's a threat just like the other ones and worse it may let him off the hook. He'll be able to say "your mother did it" or escalated it and it IS an escalation to tell him.

But knowledge is power, and right now your fears are ruling how you feel.

I"d simply go learn about your rights from a decent L b/c it can be very empowering to know that you won't be on the streets if he leaves.

It may also guide you in your job search b/c if you are soon earning enough money that may lessen what he'd pay you in support-so you may choose not to work OR

your L may say "you'll eventually have to work anyhow, so if something good comes up, take it now". But DO see a Lawyer.

You need DO NOTHING with the legal knowlege---no filing and no telling your h, but merely take it in.

I think it'll lessen your anxiety and sense of panic.

Also, I sense more fear about you being alone or left by your h,

than actual grief over losing him.

DO you understand my point? IOW, Do you want to be married to HIM, truly? Can you give some reasons why?

As for your changes, please do NOT point them out.

Expect nothing from your h about your changes, including the visible ones- such as him noticing a weight loss or new hair style

but do not do the change FOR a reaction from him.

Do it for you. It's another dimension of GAL.
The counselor you see isn't for your h but you. The fact that he did not guarantee you a reconciliation isn't a bad sign. Most of this is up to YOU

and if the SBT thinks you are looking for the "secret" or the magic bullet or the ONE THING to do or say that will change YOUR H,

then he may not feel very hopeful.

If you take this advice in and practice some of these changes you really will see improvements in your life. So will your kids. Let that be enough for now.

And turn the rest of this over to the Big Guy upstairs, while doing your best to become a woman only a fool would leave.

Thanks for your posts
I have been doing alot of thinking and praying. I appreciate all the advice I have gotten. I don't have an SBT therapist but I am looking to find one. I was thinking that even if we get to where he wants to actually work on this, there will have to be alot of changes and I am willing to do my part. I don't want to and can't go back to what it was. I wish I would have gotten some advice from the therapist like what I'm getting here. I am grateful to have found this site. I am going to make plans to work on me as I have been advised. I believe it will help me.
Thanks again.