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^^seconded!

Journaling...

The coutdown to SS' graduation is almost over! H and I will be heading down to NC sometime Friday morning. Got lots to do when we get there to set-up for the party at my in-laws' place. I'm so excited!

Nothing much different on the M front. Still spending time together in the evenings watching TV and talking - but not about our M. H is still out of work because of his knee, but should be back at work on Monday. Ordinarily I would have been freaking out because of what him being out of work means for us financially, but I haven't. I mean, yes it's been on my mind, but I haven't badgered him about it or said anything sarcastic. So that's a 180 for me!

I think I am going to call and set up an appointment with Cheryl for either Friday or next week to get some suggestions on what my next steps should be. I still don't know what the status of H's A is. I do know that I've called at the normal times he would have been talking to her (figured this out when I first found out about the A), and he hasn't been on the phone (thank you Verizon for that little call waiting tone!). Granted that does not mean he hasn't talked to her or hasn't texted, but there is definitely a pattern shift.

I have been thinking about the A to myself some, which I need to stop. It's questions I've asked him before, and course got no real answer (or ones that I liked). Like how he could lie to my face, and be okay with that? At what point did he tell himself it was okay to have an A? And what did he think I would do when I found out? Was he ever planning on me finding out? Just random questions that could send me into a tailspin if I thought too long on them.

I'm not feeling too much in limbo, even though I am. Most of the time I feel pretty good about my own progress, and I definitely don't think about my sitch as much as I used to. Still trying to be realistic and remember that we're not D yet, but it could still happen, while working on the suggestions Cheryl gave me before. Detach, but work on your marriage. Funny concept. LOL

Just confirmed my appointment with Cheryl for Monday @ 6pm. She was booked for this week. BOO!

Ack! She was on vacation for a week so there was probably a backlog of people needing her wisdom! Glad you got in, though. You can make it until Monday!

Ah, that makes sense. I'm not at a point like I was the last time I talked to her so it's not that big of a rush. WAY more stable. Well, mostly. LOL

I found out for sure that H is still talking to OW every day.

The other day I said something to him about her posting to my SS' FB page. Frankly, I'm about tired of the FB foolishness. He didn't respond that night. Today I noticed she liked something on SS' page, but didn't comment for once. So I asked him if he said something to her. He says yes, he told her not to do it. I asked him why did he do that? He just looks at me. I say so you talked to her? He says yes.

I ask: So you still talk to her every single day? He says yes. I ask again repeating every single day. He says: Yes I talk to her every day. I just say Wow. Then I asked him how long did he think we were going to do this? He just looks at me and put his dinner plate down (he was eating on the couch) like he was expecting us to begin a long conversation. Then pulled out his phone. Just said Wow again and that I didn't mean to interrupt his dinner and left the room.

He's now sitting across from me in the living room asleep - his defense mechanism whenever things get tight for him. I got a little teary eyed, but pulled it together. I mean, I suspected this, so its just confirmation. Yes there was some hope that he was coming back towards me, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Now I think I know what my next step is going to be, but I'm interested in what Cheryl says.

Can't remember if I posted this before, but he had told me in a previous conversation that he didn't tell her "I love you" anymore. I told him I didn't believe him and he said I know, but its true. But he's still talking to her alot. Guess there is a new pattern to take the place of the old one. As far as I know he hasn't seen her since February, but clearly that doesn't mean anything. He's doing an awful lot for me and with me to still be leaving. We have more of a M now than we did before the bomb. It just doesn't make sense to me. But he's a WAS, so I guess it goes with the territory.

I know this changes nothing about DB efforts. I still need to work on me and I plan on doing that. But do I at least get to hit him over the head with my pillow? LOL

H switched positions and in the process saw me still sitting in the living room and quickly closed his eyes. LOL I think he thinks that tonight might be the night I snap for real. Nope, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but definitely not tonight.

I'm just sitting here looking at him thinking Why am I doing this?

(((Ro)))

There is no place for the OW in your M. If you get the opportunity to talk about it, keep focus on your feelings to help him understand the impact on you. Here's sort of an example from a book I read recently:

When I see you doing things for me and interacting with me, it makes me feel hopeful and that we can do this. But when I find out that there are still conversations going on with OW, I feel like its fake and that I'm just kidding myself

(No idea if that's how you feel, just writing for an example).

My IC gave me an opinion that DB is great for creating a more calm and open environment and removing the chaos and anxiety. Then at some point, this improved environment should be leveraged to deal with the emotional level of the issues at hand. If those aren't addressed, the old practices can more easily be trigged to return.

I hope you get the opportunity to actually talk about what is taking place and how its impacting your R. You're great to be patient with your H on this, but its ok to know in your heart that this OW has no place in you M and IMO, its ok to say so when you feel the time is right.

(((Ro)))

^^^Golden!

You've worked on you and are still working on you and I hope that won't stop. Don't let what he's doing stop you from loving yourself.

My mother (and you know my mother ),used to say, "f you get down in the gutter with them it only serves to get you dirty."

Rise above it.