Growing up we lived near a military family w/5 kids. The dad was a Colonel who had been a POW for 6 years.
He was handsome and charming and kind and fun. He had had an affair years before moving into the neighborhood. how do I know?
We all knew b/c his wife leaked it out and never let us or hiim forget it.
I wanted to ask him about his POW years but she'd change the topic. I assumed it was b/c she wanted to protect him but it became evident she did not want anyone to admire him.
Even his children...
she made the worst of all choices. She chose to stay married AND stay miserable.
Today, 30 years later, only ONE of her children is married. 4 of the 5 have divorced, 2 more than once. 4 are single and wish to remain so.
instead of teaching them about redemption or forgiveness or commitment she left them a terrible legacy that will probably affect THEIR kids too...
how many generations will be hurt b/c she would not forgive him?
Yes he was wrong to have the affair (we'll never know HIS side of it)
but no one knew of the affair til SHE told them....to me, the damage to their kids is at least as much her responsibility as it was his.
if she'd divorced him maybe one of them could have found happiness. At least the kids would not have seen the same choreographed below the surface battle going on for their whole lives...
But what if she had forgiven him and let it go? He wanted to make it work...she just could not let go of her pain/anger...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dear 25 yrs Yes, I can tell you I apologized several times and my husband told me it was not my fault. I wish I could go back in time and change things. I have been depressed I think for awhile. I did hold onto upsets and acted the victim but it did no good. I complained, it did no good. I did not know how to handle our problems. During our marriage I had asked him to go to counseling but he said no, he didn't need a counselor. I should have gone myself. But don't know if it would have helped.
I did resent my husbands many activities because I felt me and the kids didn't get the time I thought we should. I did go sailing and to a couple of astronomy events and he went bowling with me and to a historical place I liked but we didn't do it very often. He likes to go out to dinner so we did that every week.
Right now he wants no sex. I asked him to at least hug me and he won't do that. I don't do it because in the beginning, I was whiney, begging and pleading and I don't want to be pushy, plus I feel rejected right now.
During our marriage my husband liked to get into debates but sometimes if you took a position he didn't like he could get nasty. He was verbally competative. Once when I was talking to my sister about a religious issue that I knew about and my husband did not. He came in from another room and started argueing with me. Sometimes he belittled me in public. So I resented it and told him so. But like you said, Where did it get me?
I have read divorce busters and I own Divorce remedy. I am scared I won't do anything right.
I told him I forgave him but I spoke too soon I think. He wants me to get over it but it's only been about 3 months and he expects me to give him as much time as he needs to get over his numbness about me.
We went to couseling together once and then the therapist saw us separately bout 5 times. Now she wants us to see her together but my husband has to make the appt due to his busy schedule and he has not. But I don't think she is helping. He won't go to any one else. He likes her.
He makes good money and can handle the bills but has been neglecting some of them lately. He says I used to be strong but not now. Well, I think I need some time to heal too. Wants me to work to help with a bill or two. And I know he wants that expensive telescope.
So What to do to make things better? I have repaired a cushion and cleaned it for the boat, I have tried to listen better and we have not argued too much lately. We used to argue quite a bit. Any suggestions are welcome and thanks for your post I have alot to think about and I am glad to hear your perspective.
sure sounds like a lot of long term behaviors that reinforced other negatives and now it seems like the cycle is too big and on such a bad track that it cannot right itself.
that is a lie. You can turn this around. You can change. People DO change and I know this for a fact.
In a r made up of 2 people, when one person changes, the dynamic of the r and the r itself, the marriage itself
changes too.
Start with you b/c in the end, it's all you can do anyhow. Give this your best shot and leave the results up to God.
I don't know where you live but sometimes personal growth workshops that last over a weekend (like "Essential Experience" on the east coast) can be life changing. It's Not "est" or "Landmark" or a weird thing but had so much more to offer than therapy (but I like therapy!!) however unlike weekly T sessions
a workshop helps you process things all in a row without breaking up your insights or progress by having to go back to work or the kids.
I made as much progress in a long weekend of a workshop as I had in about 3 years of therapy. This was not all about or even primarily about my marriage but issues that did affect it. Anyhow
You focus your whole weekend (or up to 4 days) on where you are in your life and where you want to go. Not many people do this enough. It's "experiential" so you are not able to censor or rehearse your responses and you will learn a lot about YOU.
it was quite profound for me and later on my h went. THen about 22 of our friends including a few here on this board. Check out autumnleaves if you want b/c she went.
Anyhow, I think you need a JOLT to change the way you see things and how you interact...give that some thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dear Cadet I wonder how to handle this constant fear that my h is still seeing that ow. I know there is nothing I can do about it and he says he is not. I have not asked him in weeks. I found a reciept for lunch and he paid for two people to eat, but it could have been a male friend. It was at a nice place too. I got some xanax for panic attacks which I have been having lately, but I can only take em at night cuz they make me tired.
Last night my husband talked to me in great detail about work problems and I just listened. I was glad that he talked to me and I got the gist of it (he is an engineer)and asked questions. He also talked about the work he's doing on his boat and said he wants to be by himself and maybe stay overnight on the boat like he did when he was young and life was simple.
After we talked and came in the house I gave him a hug and he was okay with it. Don't know if I should go dark because it might be like when I used to withdraw when I was hurt. But I do think I need to GAL. I have ADD and I get a little overwhelmed with where to start and what to do.
Dear 25 years I did call an SBT therapist. I found one who seemed pretty pro marriage and he wrote some articles on his website which were okay. I spoke to him and asked about successes with married couples and he couldn't really say definitely. Well he sounded nice but I'm not too sure bout him. Gonna look for a few more.I am reading the posts suggested And finding them helpful. Lots to read. I have been thinking that as your quote says-Forgivenes, your way out of hell- is exactly what I must do to step out of this hell i'm in. I gotta let go.
This will probably not make you feel better but an OW is only one aspect of MLC. Depression is the huge driver of the crisis.
Originally Posted By: Rachael55
said he wants to be by himself and maybe stay overnight on the boat like he did when he was young and life was simple.
^^^^ This is a sign of depression. Whether he has an OW or not he is still depressed. He is still in crisis. The OW is normally the OPPOSITE of you. Again this is part of the MLC script.
MLC does not make logical sense unless you are in MLC.
So my own opinion is to not worry whether there is or is not an OW, because in some cases the OW may make the crisis go faster, and no OW may cause him to stick more within his depression.
There is no speeding up an MLC but we can slow it down.
Thanks cadet I read posts by hearts blessing which are very helpful to me. I have been praying everyday for guidance and this is very good.
Today is our 23rd anniversary and I made reservations to have dinner. I asked him first if he wanted me to and he said yes. Should I get a card or just leave it to dinner and small talk?
One other problem in our marriage is rudeness by him. He has been better but if I am in his way he will say "move" or " you're always in my way" He would also say I HAD to do something like mail bills etc. When I ask him to be polite and say please and excuse me he says "I should'nt have to do that. These things have to be done and you're home more than me." This really bugs me but since the rules are different in MLC, should I let it go? I always used to complain about it.
He also gets mad if I am late but the last time I asked him to be home so we could go out to dinner before we had to drive across town for retrouville follow up, he was very late because he went to workout but came home first, and I was in the basement. He did not call out for me or call me on my phone which I have asked him to do if I am not on the main floor. He said he thought I went for a walk. Sometimes I think it's passive aggression on his part.
I absolutely believe he depressed. I go from feeling compassion, to mad to sad bout all this.
Well we went out to dinner and and it was nice. My husband talked a good deal about work and I listened and made some comments and complements but If I talked about me he wasn't real attentive but he heard me. Read the 37 rules so I won't talk about myself too much for now. I didn't get him a card for our anniversary because they were too mushy and I thought it wouldn't be helpful so I just made a toast with him. We then got a movie and watched it together and later I gave him a hug.
Today we went to his mom's. His dad died a year ago so we went to the cemetary to remember him. My husband told me he felt numb about that and I knew he wasn't comfortable with it. later his mom gave us an anniversary card and he said very little. I think being around his mom is hard cuz she doesn't know and guilt may be eating at him. Then his mom asked him to come and put his hand on mine to cut a cake she bought. He did that, but I think he was uncomfortable. He was driving very erratically after we went to the cemetary and on the way home. Starting and stopping hard and taking turns hard. 2 of our kids were with us and I made a comment and my daughter did to me later. On the way home I know he was in a hurry to see his pal at the bar to talk.
Rachael, I'm glad your anniversary plans went well. Just a small reminder, keep your expectations at zero. I don't want to see you disappointed if he goes back into the rabbit hole again.
Your h was having a difficult time not only w/your anniversary, but more importantly the anniversary of his father's death. Death and serious illness are two areas that the mlcer tends to shy away from in most cases because they remind him of mortality. Going to the cemetary brought the emotional pain back to smack him in the face. As long as he stayed away from the cemetary, he could pretend that his father was off on a trip or something, his death didn't seem real until he went there to visit.
I'm sure it was a difficult day for him and he had to run away to a different environment for a while.
On another note, how are you and your children doing? Do you have plans for the summer?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
