Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Crimson....just checkin' in.

Journaling

Don't think I am doing very well right now with GAL. This weekend I felt kind of paralyzed with sadness/depression. Probably because w was gone on vacation with S and I missed him - and if I am being honest, her as well. She periodically sent me a few pictures and it was good to see them - but at the same time looking at my S standing in front of the ocean in the Bay made me sad that I couldn't be there as well. I know my w didn't mean it as a taunt - but I felt that way at times. I was sad because it was something that would have been a great "family" thing to do and I felt the sense of loss. This weekend I found if hard to really enjoy much of anything.....it is difficult for me to detach right now. I am not reaching out to her at all, but I think about her and my son a lot. I hate to feel as if I am missing out on things in his life.

I guess part of detaching is embracing the knowledge that you are going to be alright no matter the outcome. I am not there yet and I still have a lot of fears about what life is going to be like post-D. Financially, I am wrecked. This thing has cost me more money than I could have imagined - money that I just don't have. I have had to take on debt to get through this. Then I am on the hook for a big chunk of money for my w every month that severely impedes my ability to do ANYTHING but greatly improves hers....hence, she can go on vacation and so on. I am afraid that I won't be able to afford school for my son this coming year - and if anything goes wrong with my car I am in deep sh*t. I have worked so hard in my life to never be in these kind of circumstances - and here I am. Ironically, they are being brought about by someone that I loved more that anyone on this Earth. I worked to provide for her and my son.

Bah - probably just feeling sorry for myself/down right now. I think it was just a bad weekend for me.

Crimson

Crimson, there are 12-Step groups for Codependents and I'm sure you could find several in your city.

And the resentment you harbor over the money is going to color every interaction you have with her. There will be no hope for a good R with her, M or D, if you can't get over that.

I do wish you well.

I feel for you... I'm in the same place as you... I keep thinking back to my own childhood and family vacations with my siblings, knowing that if things keep progressing the way they are my son won't have those memories... hoping things will change...

Why wouldn't your son have those memories?

Well because he is an only child, no siblings to play or fight with...

I suppose there is a chance the wife has more kids, so maybe he'll have some of those memories...

Sorry, thought you were talking about vacations not siblings.

I would caution you not to project your feeling onto him though.

Hey LA - thanks for dropping in. Haven't heard from you in awhile - and I hope you are doing well!

With regard to $$$, I have never breathed a word about it to her at all in this process. Not even a vailed reference - I have literally been emotionless about money with her. Truth be told, SHE has said more about it than I have (though very little as well). I really take steps to keep my financial fears away from her because she thinks that's all I care about. If there is ONE thing that I haven't blown thus far - it's that. That said, I do get fearful about my future and my finances from time to time - not gonna lie. And yes, at times I DO get angry or resentful - but I keep it to myself and move on.

Re: codependence, I have never really thought about it from that angle. I don't FEEL as though I am - but maybe I don't even understand what it means. I think I have heaved so many "dysfunctional" mantles upon myself over the last several months I don't know if I have room for another!

I guess the bottom line for me is that there is not easy way to let her go - I just have to gut it out.

Crimson

So I have often referenced the letter that my wife gave me the day before our settlement hearing on May 14th. She had been working on it since the 7th and had to stop because she said it was very emotional for her. When I read it, I had tears in my eyes - and I get a little choked up every time I revisit it. After the hearing - she was very hurt and angry and said some not-so-nice things in e-mail.

It is so full of kind words, praise and gratitude - that it is hard for me to imagine she is even talking about ME - someone that she is leaving. She describes a pretty decent guy - IMHO. Anyhow - here it is. I would love to get anyone's perspective on this if you are familiar with my sitch or not. It's just hard to process and put in a proper place. Any WAWs have an opinion??

Crimson

Dear Crimson –

Your letters have been so helpful to me – so I wanted to share a letter with you as well. I have avoided it because of the depth of my feelings overwhelms me.

I have so much gratitude for you that is permanently woven into the woman I have become.

I never knew consistent, unconditional love in a relationship before you. From day one – you were a man of your word. What you said, you did. You were the first man to see me at the lowest of lows and good times too – and never walked away.

You taught me how to have and take care of the finer things in life – furniture, handbags, dishes, etc. – I never had the means to have such things.

You did something that every day as long as I live will be the most monumental event of my life – you made me a mother!

I don’t know why, but I used to feel like good things only happen to other people. I’ll never forget when you proposed – it was the most outer body moment of “I never knew this would happen for me….”. You are the only man to teach me that good things will happen to me, for me.

I am grateful for the patience you showed me early on when I was unemployed, had Joe (her puppy) and had gotten off track.

I am grateful for every moment you shared your life with me – every childhood story, every detail of your life. I relished you sharing with me.

I am grateful for the trips we took, the wonderful dates you took me on and my favorite- when you would cook for me at home.

I am grateful for the home you provided us with and all of the stress and pressure you took on because of your determination.

I am grateful for all of your encouragement and support in my career that has been a bumpy and not-always-pleasant ride.

I am grateful that you wanted to marry me and make me your wife. I am grateful you wanted to have a nice ceremony in Sedona to bring out our family and friends.

I’m sorry I was not a confident woman when you met me. A woman that could feel and communicate her wants and needs in a way you could understand. I never saw people communicate in my house growing up – in my attempts to “pretend” I knew how, I failed miserably.

I’m sorry I didn’t know how to support you with your fears and anxieties and pressures – I wish I would have known how to support you better.

I’m grateful that you cared about my family. I had never been in a relationship where someone embraced my family, with all their quirks and personalities – and they will always relish that.

I guess this letter could go on and on – but guess I’ll stop here.

I am eternally (forever and forever) grateful for you [used my full name here]. Never doubt that – it is real.

Love,

W

Crimson...I'm a old timer here that does not post much....but

I think that you need to fold this letter up and put it in a safe place and let it stay there.....and put it out of your mind.

From what I can tell It sounds ( and I have read all you threads from the beginning ) that U married a very insecure gal..that with your help and support is "finding her wings "

Let her fly If it is meant to be she will come back........

I have 42 years in with the same man and when we seperated he gave me the chance to miss him to vision my life single without him...I left him and I returned with a whole new attitude BUT I did alot of work on myself I feel your wife has not.

and once again (as Iv'e seen here on your thread ) What is crimson doing to "get a life " Go back to the basics of DB Go back to sandi's rules.get a hobby...find something that makes U happy, I know your son's your pride and joy and your so fortunate to have him..but lets turn this around ( " if daddy aint happy no ones happy!)

Yes i know where U are at with your Div...I was right at the drop off after 24 years of marriage...all my hubby had to do was sign and by the grace of god he/ we put a stop to it and dissolved the div and not our marriage.

Hurt , anger , and words spoken can't be taken back...but U can take back your life.

It will work out in the long run one way or the other...


hope this helps

Cindy Lou

p.s.....IMHO If I were you I'd see a Dr. about some anti-depressants (AD's )....this is a hard journey a life changing journey.......they can be temporary.....but they will help u get out from under the cloud

I'm not a Dr. but I do have 19 years in as an RN....and ive seen a lot of depression take people under Just a thought hugs