Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Please, advice & feedback on saving my marriage

Don't run into one another in those venues, but do obviously for school events etc. and mostly things very cordial. Groceries at both places purchased on our joint visa card which I manage, we both have our own cc and bank accounts. Bills paid out of joint checking account which again, I manage.

Your advice is sound and pretty much what my DB coach said. I have tried this, but W lost her temper and we parted without resolution. However, I ask myself, is this tactic going to bring me closer to her or push me farther away? Will it help me achieve my short and long term goals?

Well you've accommodated her every demand so far. So has it gotten you closer or farther apart? It seems obvious to me.

When you're at the apt. have you ever left her a note like "I left a bottle of wine for you to enjoy over the weekend." Or something like that?

Or something even more subtle like. "I did all the laundry and dishes. Have a good one."

Apt is always spic and span when I leave it. Used to have fresh flowers for her but after she dropped the bomb #2 or 3 on 4/18 I started to go dark so stopped doing all those little nice things. That was on advice of DB coach.

And you are correct, accommodating her for 6 months has not really pulled me any closer. Going dark seemed to stop her pulling away quite so much, but this is another level entirely.

Flowers are wayyy pursuing. I was thinking something very small like doing something in the apt.

What is your W still angry about?

I now know that the flowers were a problem, wish I had that insight back in January. I made lots of mistakes back then, and really have only been DBing for 6 weeks, so I know results are way way off. Maybe the bottle of wine might work, with a little note.

What is she still angry about? Everything as far as I can see. Right now I suspect her anger is at me detaching, because I have tried really hard to go as dark as one can when kids are involved. I used to go round behind her clearing up her mess, figuratively and sometimes literally, but I dont do that any more. She is angry that I would not agree to her having the kids all week and me just having weekends during the summer, and saw my suggestion of the opposite as a refusal to compromise.

Today I am going to contact an atty just to get some advice. She has given me two stark choices, neither of which are pleasant for me. Either ratchet up the legal side and get adversarial (which will validate all her "friends" advice) or compromise (cave in again) and contionue to allow her to set the agenda and call the shots. I am going to get advice on what my options are should I decide that I want back in the house full time.

UKVA - I don't have anything really in the way of specific advice, I think MrBond is doing a great job here. I did want to note that your phrasing here jumped out at me. I think this is a false dichotomy: you don't have "only" two options here. But good for you for talking to an L about your options. If you are interested in saving your M, be clear with your atty about this in your discussion. If L tells you to go nuclear/give up, find a new atty.

Vera, I will make that clear. I am not in the business of dismantling my family right now, but I feel the need to understand where I stand and think about how my W's and my actions now could impact things in the future. Thanks.

"Right now I suspect her anger is at me detaching, because I have tried really hard to go as dark as one can when kids are involved."

Mindreading.

"She is angry that I would not agree to her having the kids all week and me just having weekends during the summer, and saw my suggestion of the opposite as a refusal to compromise."

That's to be expected.

But deep down inside, what was she mad about you before that she's still mad at?

That I took her for granted. I treated her like the hired help. I did not respect her and treated her and her friends as if they were inferior. And probably that it took her to almost have a nervous breakdown (her words) for me to realise what I had. Some of this is true, but it takes two people to screw up a relationship.

I read the 5 Love Languages recently and realised that we were both words of affirmation first and she was physical touch second. I was acts of service second. If we had known those and acted upon them we would not be here. But too late for those regrets, maybe. We have until January next year before we can file, so the gift of time needs to be used wisely.