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So last night saw W at my Daughters girl scout event. She was very petty, would sit next to me even though she asked me to save a seat. Put an empty chair between us. Also I noticed the wedding ring was gone, but curiously replaced by a Claddagh ring I bought her years ago. She seemed gaunt, looking like she has lost about 10 lbs or so, weight she cannot afford to lose. Not eating? She did not look well.

Managed the 4 Cs easily, also acted (& felt) quite detached.

Oooops. Meant would NOT sit next to me in post above.

Update. Tomorrow will be 4.5 months separated, and 6 weeks since the " I am am not coming back, ever" bomb. We have arranged to meet up since she tells me there are "things to discuss" although I am not sure what.  For those who have read DR, it reminds me of the story of Steve (pages 169 - 170). From my side we need to end this week on, week off deal b/c for at least the summer.  She is a teacher and with the summers off will have far more access to the kids than I will, and to see me they will have to make a choice between me and being at home.   So I am going to ask her to take the apartment full time. I think details are in previous posts. She won't like it, I am sure, and will accuse me of going back on our agreement, but I will tell her things have changed.  It is, I believe, a test as to whether she wants to do what is best for the kids or continue to punish me. 

The last 6 weeks I have had two DB coaching sessions, got active on this site, gone dark (except for issues about the kids and kept that to a bare minimum), continued to GAL with some success, and had one encounter with my W where I left with her wanting to talk to me.  Pretty good for someone who had it all wrong in January. We have also stopped MC since having the knife twisted every two weeks was not good for my self confidence. The challenge I face for tomorrow is to keep the progress I have made, make sure she understands my position on living arrangements, and politely decline any R or big D talk.  If I succeed then maybe I can move into the summer on a high note and build from there.

Wish me luck!

Since last post I met with my WAW and predictably things did not go well. After some small talk she asked me what we should do next. I shrugged my shoulders and told her I did not know. Really, I have not thought much about it. Well, that is my story to her, but of course I am considering what needs to happen with regards to the house and kids. With the house my W wants to get it sold and new homes found by the start of the new school year, totally unworkable. She is so irrational right now I could scream, but I don't. Given all the work required to get the house in shape to sell, plus time on the market and time to close we might make it by thanksgiving. I have done nothing on that one, not picking up the rope. 

With regards to the kids she thought a good idea was that I only see them at the weekends during the summer.  Not acceptable. I told her my plan was to move back to the house full time and she could take the apt, an option she did not like. In fact she lost her temper and pounded her fist on the table at Bakers Crust, while raising her voice in protest. Her compromise was to stay as we are, again that does not work for weeks I am out of the house since she will have the kids all day and I won't see them. 

Tomorrow we both meet with the kids therapist and this issue will come up. Last time I was there the therapist told me our current arrangement would not be suitable for the summer, and suggested I soften my position with a few weekends thrown in.  I can do that, maybe we take every other weekend. But here is the thing, my W is going to see a more determined, but cool, calm and collected person tomorrow. I will not lose my temper, but will simply state that we should be seeking a solution that puts the kids' interests first, making sure THEY get access to each of us daily if at all possible. I am also going to tell her I am done doing things her way, 6 months of appeasement has given me nothing.  Of course I am struggling with a tactic that may initially push her away more, but she needs to face the consequences of her decisions.  Until she does there won't be any movement, and probably short term this will make her even madder.  During our discussion she thanked me for confirming that her decision to go ahead with D was the right one. Just a little spite coming out there.  

We actually have seen quite a bit of each other in the last week due to various school functions, and things were quite cordial.  That will end after tomorrow I am sure, although I plan to "act as if" she will accept my plan as making the most sense. Doubt she will

So now I need you guys to heed the title of my string and give some advice. Met with W and kids therapist this afternoon. Not a good result. Even though in a previous meeting the therapist said the current arrangement was not workable for the summer, now with my W there she changes her tune. So it seems I am faced with two options, compromise and make the best of the situation or push back and risk her running to family court. I have spoken to two friends this evening and got conflicting advice. What I guess from a DB perspective I should be asking myself is what looks like a 180 for me in my W's eyes? Also which tactic is going to forestall the talk of D? My DB coach suggested I ask my W to move out since she wants the separation, but I am not sure that is really the best thing for my kids. I can see how not having mom there at bed time ever over the summer might be tough, especially for my daughter.

So what do I do? My gut tells me that sticking to my guns here will result in damage that may be irrepairable even in the long term, but so often I have made errors in DB tactics. So if you are reading this please chime in and let me know your thoughts.

Thanks.

"I can see how not having mom there at bed time ever over the summer might be tough, especially for my daughter. "

Same as not seeing her dad.

What do you mean by sticking to your guns? You mean by you going home? What is your W's reason to have you out of the house anyway, even now?

You see how you leaving has given her the perception that she can dictate whatever terms SHE wants? Time to stop sacrificing.

Well we are sharing weeks, one in apt and one with kids in the house, so kids get us both. There is no reason for me to be out of the house at all (abuse etc. does not exist) but me returning would reset the clock on our separation which she does not want. Also I think it would lead to a very conflicted situation, one I don't want my kids to witness. Maybe it is time to stop sacrificing!

To be frank, your kids are seeing it already. I'm not sure what you think you're trying to shield them from. Your W and you aren't living together. That's already the worst thing that's happening. So right now the kids are shuttling back and forth?

Your W already wants to have two different homes so I don't see how you think it would "reset" your clock. Did you want to move in the first place? If you really didn't want to, then you tell her that you were being accommodating to her and right now it's not working out for you.

Why didn't she want to move to the apt?

In order that the kids did not need to choose between being in their own home and seeing their parents. Kids stay in the house, parents shuttle. Not my choice, although I went along in my pre DB ing days when I thought appeasement would increase the chances of reconciliation. We were also in MC then too, although my WAW really never made the marriage the client.

The only way for this to not reset the clock (her clock) would be if she left the house if I moved back full time. as I said, she is adamantly opposed to that, & threatened family court if I did not compromise.

I think she did not want to move to apt is so the kids could still see her without having to choose between home and mom. But she has never really had to face the consequences of her decisions.

Okay so she and you both share the apt. and home if I'm reading correctly. Do you ever run into one another in the apt. or home? How do you handle things like groceries and cleaning duties in those instances?

IMHO you should tell her that you are no longer comfortable with the situation the way things are and that you are moving back to YOUR home. And that if she is the one who feels uncomfortable for whatever reason she has, then she is more than welcome to stay in the apt. After all, if she feels uncomfortable, then she should be the one to remove herself.

She'll say that you're "controlling", etc. But tell her firmly that you are not. That she has been the one controlling you with this arrangement that you did not want and that you've just made the decision that you would like to stay in the home which you own. Tell her she has a right to disagree and that she is free to do what she wishes.