How are things this morning Ro? try to remember that right now she is like a gnat by your ear in a tent...a symptom of a bigger issue. Yes she is annoying and YES you want to squish her but you have to figure out where the gnats are coming into your tent from otherwise you will have just temporarily gotten rid of the problem
I have no doubt in my mind that you could get rid of her
but if you don't find the problem...how she got in and fix that...there will be another her
now is the where diamonds are made Ro...are you up for the pressure?
There is no place for the OW in your M. If you get the opportunity to talk about it, keep focus on your feelings to help him understand the impact on you. Here's sort of an example from a book I read recently:
When I see you doing things for me and interacting with me, it makes me feel hopeful and that we can do this. But when I find out that there are still conversations going on with OW, I feel like its fake and that I'm just kidding myself
(No idea if that's how you feel, just writing for an example).
My IC gave me an opinion that DB is great for creating a more calm and open environment and removing the chaos and anxiety. Then at some point, this improved environment should be leveraged to deal with the emotional level of the issues at hand. If those aren't addressed, the old practices can more easily be trigged to return.
I hope you get the opportunity to actually talk about what is taking place and how its impacting your R. You're great to be patient with your H on this, but its ok to know in your heart that this OW has no place in you M and IMO, its ok to say so when you feel the time is right.
(((Ro)))
Thanks Ces. Oh we've talked about it, but not in any kind of rational calm way. I'll think about how you phrased it. Maybe if I do it that way, he'll get a clue.
I agree that DB helps create a calm and open environment. But right now, I don't feel patient. I feel stupid. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Somewhere deep inside I think I know that my M is over. Maybe I'm just stalling the inevitable.
My IC gave me an opinion that DB is great for creating a more calm and open environment and removing the chaos and anxiety. Then at some point, this improved environment should be leveraged to deal with the emotional level of the issues at hand. If those aren't addressed, the old practices can more easily be trigged to return
^^^Golden!
You've worked on you and are still working on you and I hope that won't stop. Don't let what he's doing stop you from loving yourself.
Bug, I don't plan on stopping. I just have to keep telling myself that my worth is not based on him or his actions.
How are things this morning Ro? try to remember that right now she is like a gnat by your ear in a tent...a symptom of a bigger issue. Yes she is annoying and YES you want to squish her but you have to figure out where the gnats are coming into your tent from otherwise you will have just temporarily gotten rid of the problem
I have no doubt in my mind that you could get rid of her
but if you don't find the problem...how she got in and fix that...there will be another her
now is the where diamonds are made Ro...are you up for the pressure?
Things were fine this morning. I was basically HELL on wheels. He was asleep the whole time I was getting dressed (he slept on the couch last night GRRRR), but I'm sure he heard me slamming and bamming as my mother would say. I woke him up to kiss him goodbye, and he got a little taste of the snappiness. I SO did not want to do it, but I did. Consistency is important to me right now.
I like your gnat analogy, fig. Perfectly describes my sitch. He told me she "listened" to him. That's the only thing I've gotten out of him. I can say since I've been trying to do more active listening, he has been more open with me about stuff. We're definitely talking more than we were before the bomb drop. I'm sure the excitement and newness of it all had something to do with it too, so I've been trying not to nag him as much, and not be the same boring wife. (Thanks Coach Cheryl!) I've also been more upbeat (DBing really does work!) and just generally happy. Which in turn makes me nicer to him.
I really think the reasons behind his A have less to do with me, and more to do with him, but there's nothing I can do about it. I've owned my mistakes and I'm working on me. If he doesn't tell me the reasons, how do I find out where the opening is?
Some days I'm up for the pressure, fig. Other days, I'm asking myself why I'm doing this? It's obvious since he's still talking to her every day where his head is. I'm not sure I can do anything to turn it back to me at this piont.
I have also not done my daily check-in call. I just haven't felt like it today. The phone does ring both ways. Maybe he'll figure out he needs to pick it up today. I did call and thank him for picking up my prescription this morning on my way to work. That's my olive branch for today. LOL
So I asked H why he pulled his phone out when I was talking to him last night. He says he was "checking to see if SS had called" since he had called/texted him earlier. Um. Right at that precise moment? Ok? Then I asked him why he called OW to tell her to stop posting to FB. I said to me, it seemed like yet another excuse for them to be in contact. And that I didn't want it to look like I was making him do it (even though that's what I want to do).
He said "Its not about excuses. You expressed that you did not like her posting to SS' FB page so I told her not to do it." I asked, "So she does whatever you say?". He says no. I said so what did she say? He said she just said Ok and sorry. I just said Wow and walked out of the room.
I know I've said it before, but I really do think he's trying to make me crazy so he can commit me guilt free. LOL
Hey Ro, Have you read "hold me tight"? The feelings and emotions you are having to go through are so rough. You're being betrayed and it seems that when you're looking for things to help you rebuild trust with your H, you are actually faced with more situations that break down the trust you want to build.
The "hold me tight" book helped me frame up my feelings to express them to my W in a better way so it was more about how I felt instead of coming across as accusations.
You have every right to be hurt & frustrated by all this. The questions now are still, what do you want and what actions/steps will help you get to that point long-term over short-term venting..
Hope you have a good weekend.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
),used to say, "f you get down in the gutter with them it only serves to get you dirty."