Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure where to start, Part 3

I just don't get it. He's acting like a lovesick puppy. It's sickening. He's making a fool of himself. But whatever. It's not my problem. I just don't want my kids around it. That's what matters to me.

I am proud of myself for being just fine alone. I don't need another person to make me whole or complete. H used to love that line from "Jerry Maguire" you know the one "you complete me." I never understood the fascination but now it fits into the puzzle. Makes me wonder if he ever truly was in love with me or in love with love?

Packing for our trip to Indiana. I am very excited. It's supposed to be nice and I havent been home for memorial day in years!!! There are so many things to do and not enough time to do them!!! The zoo, the beach, the fireworks, the parade!!! H never wanted to go anywhere for Memorial Day and now I can do whatever I want however I want and I dont need to answer to anyone! Pinch me I am dreaming!!!!

H is mowing. He has been mowing for 2 hours. Yes, two hours!!! Perhaps if he would have Not let it get a foot long it wouldn't be so labor intensive. H used to be anal retentive about the lawn and the landscape. Now it's a bother. A chore he hates. I just can't believe the change in him. He was supposed to take S to get new soccer shoes (since the ones I bought are unacceptable) but that didn't happen. More of the same stuff.

Having a wonderful time with family and friends. The weather is not and sunny. Kids are having a ball as well. Good seeing friends and just living life one moment at a time without having to worry about anyone else except my kids.

There are occasional moments of sadness when I think about how things used to be before BD. I try to thought stop them but we got married here so there are lots of memories. I thought about starting a thread in MLC forum because I am 99.9% sure that is what I am dealing with. I have started reading posts in that forum and the similarities are astounding. Alas it doesnt change what I need to do but it gives me a little more foresight into what I am dealing with.

I need to take the steps to protect myself and the kids. I am tired of the lies and deceipt. I am tired of him spending our money on her. I am tired of him putting her kids before ours. I am getting to the point where I do not want him back. Even for the kids' sake. He has done a lot of damage and I believe there is more to come. I really don't know how much more I can take.

Had a wonderful holiday weekend of GAL. Awesome time and the kids had lots of fun too. Now it's back to reality and it's already biting me.

H just got paid last Friday but our bank account is practically drained already. My check goes in tomorrow but my check won't last an entire week with two kids, bills to pay, groceries and an out of town soccer tournament this weekend. And my application for a sole credit card was denied because my debt to income is too high. Plus I received a bill from my counselor's office for costs incurred before the insurance deductible was met. Now H is home and going to pick up our camper from storage. I know he intends to use it with OW and her two boys.

I am very down right now. Everyone says it will get better but I just see it going downhill from here.

wh,
I know how you feel. It's damn hard when the financial situation looks so bleak.

I've been living on a knife-edge financially for 8 months now.

If it's any help at all, things do go downhill, but they also come up again.

I have tried to detach from constant worry about money and how to pay bills - I know, this could be dangerous!

But I've come to realise that worrying about it doesn't change the situation. What will be will be. If H chooses not to pay his share, things will reach crisis point and there will have to be a change. It's change that will come about for him but it won't be a change of my making. He won't respond to my requests that we do something. I can't control him in this way, so I have to let life/lawyers/tax office do it instead.

I really feel for you and what you are going through. But you can get through it.

It's tough; it's hard, but there are worse things that could happen (as 25 says, it's not Africa-hard and, as I tell myself, at least we are all healthy and alive).

Hugs to you,
NLW

Thanks NLW. It is hard and so frustrating. I have always been the one to worry about money. H lets it slip through his fingers especially now. I have an appointment with a L Thursday. I am hoping I can get some good advice.

Another crazy change about H. OW has a dog that is a Yorkie-poo mix. H HATES those kind of dogs. I can just imagine what he thinks every time he sees it. He must be out of his mind. Temporary insanity. I find it very funny. I hope the dog pees in his overnight bag. OW will see the real side of H then.

wh, You make me laugh!

I've hoped our new puppy does the same (well, I admit, I hoped for poo!) when H abducts it without permission and takes it 'somewhere' while I am out of the house.

My H is like yours - although not so much letting money slip through his fingers as putting it in a pile on the floor and setting fire to it... So hard to deal with.

Yes I know. I just found out H couldn't pick up the camper because there was another camper parked in front of it. Tis a shame. I guess he is also peeved because I reserved a hotel room for S's soccer tournament this weekend. S said H wanted to know why we had to get a hotel room and I said because you have a game at 9:00 in the morning two hours away and the coach asked us to reserve rooms. Then H was made because he took D with them on the escapade and apparently her behavior was less than desirable. He accused me of not feeding her and told me she her behavior was appalling. She was fine for me. Perhaps she was feeding off him? I just told him I would take care of it.

Going out to dinner with friends Thursday night. It will be interesting to see how H does with the kids by himself. Not my problem. He better get used to it.

H is foul tonight. Utterly foul. It seems lately he cannot utter a kind word in my direction. Not one. I continue to smell and look amazing. I continue to act as if and detach and smile. It seems to push him away. I don't get it. The more I detach it seems the angrier he gets. Is this normal? I used to think it was drawing him in but now it seems to be making him angrier. He is very defensive and on edge. I know that is his problem and not mine but it does not make for a pleasant environment. But I enjoy my own company so I am to that "ah" moment in bed when I can take up the entire thing!! I love it.

Just journaling...

So another observation and another urge to resist pursuing. Whenever H wants to discuss something, he always comes across as business-like, cold and indifferent. Once we start discussing issues, he starts letting down his guard. Starts showing some emotion. I can see the man inside. I can see the sad little boy crying inside wanting love and affection. It really plays with my heart strings. I always thought I knew my H better than anyone else would ever know him. I don't know if it is all an act, but I know he doesn't do this with anyone else. I can see how scared he is. I can hear it in his voice. I am constantly fighting this urge to help him. I wouldn't know how to help him even if I could.

He keeps insisting that he does not want to hurt me. He tells me he only has my best interest at heart. I don't know what to believe right now because actions speak louder than words and every action he does I believe is out of intention to hurt me. Is he really that clueless? How can he not know how much I am hurting? Or is he just too busy running away from his own pain that he cannot see the pain he is causing everyone else?

The consequences of his actions are starting to spiral out of control. I just don't know how he can think this is the best course of action for everyone.