Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers am i better off without him?

Scared this DB stuff is hard. It is a hard concept to grasp. I can feel your anger and you are right to feel that. You have been hurt. But don't do what I did and take the victim stance. Don't sit there feeling helpless, hopeless and powerless. You are none of that. It is easier said than done but we must try.

I know you gave yourself till this December to stop standing and only u will know. I fantasize too that my Ws plans will fail and she will fall flat on her face. But the more I think about it the more I hope it works out for her. She is scared and hurting also.

My job is to be ready for either option and to have an answer. I need to have an answer either way and it to becareful thought out one.

Hi SS -

I can't remember if this was mentioned earlier in your thread (I am really getting everyone's threads mixed up now) - do you have a DB coach? I'm curious what a vet or coach would say about your opinion that giving H space leads to him taking more space

As far as your H there to mow the lawn today, you said he didn't say hello or goodbye but did he know you were there if you didn't go down to see him? Maybe he thought you were out?

I think it would be good for you to set a boundary with H. Some other recent threads have discussed how to do that. If I see one I'll paste it in here.

SS, I apologize I have not followed along. I will toss in my 2 cents for what it is worth. Keep in mind I am divorced.

I was nice until I could not be anymore. The nicer I was the nastier XW became. In retrospect I think she was trying to provoke a fight. I think she was still attempting to justify her actions. I stopped being nice. I became neutral. I think she perceived this as cold. Not DB and against a coaches advice. It was what I could manage emotionally.

I resolved I would treat her as the neighbor down the road. I resolved she would not get me to break bearing. I began to set boundaries. A couple of those were:

She was not to simply arrive without letting me know in advance she was coming over.
I left home several times on a pretense for the first boundary. “I am busy I have a life”

She was not to use her key to gain entry to the house.
The locks were eventually changed although I do not think she was ever in the house without my knowledge.

To speak to me with at least the same civility she would use speaking to the check out staff at the grocery store
Several times I simply ignored her until she calmed and became civil.

A quote from Lord of the Rings would run through my head while she was spewing.
and I would stare at a point above and beyond her head.

None of this was easy. None of this was shiny. Having passed through I have experienced relief. I believe I managed the best I could. I believe I acted honorably.

thank you all for trying to come to my rescue. he knew i was up here, i'm pretty sure. my car was here.

maybe he just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. after all, he did say back in dec. that he wanted a divorce. we've been hot, cold, warm, chilly...it just never really gets a foothold. i'm doing all the GAL things but it's not filling the hole in my soul.

i don't have a db coach but maybe i should try something else? the space thing seems to make him think i don't care. however, when i ask him to do something with me, he never really accepts.

i guess i'll just keep on and give more timel.

on a good note, i got a call from the hospital tonight to come in on thursday for an interview for the volunteer position i applied to. maybe that, and my yoga class, will help take my mind off all this confusion and fear.

thank you all for caring enough to pitch in for me.

What is is you want, SS?

And how much of that do you have control over?

You can only work on you, you can only change you.

There are no guarantees that your H will come back or that your marriage will be saved.

I know that not what you want to hear but that's the truth.

Become the person you want to be a let him figure out his life.

As Cadet says, Divorce means they want space.

Give him space and more space.

I see that on another thread you posted that nothing is working. How do you define working? How will you know when what you are doing is working?

working would be when he starts to want to be with or near me. if he does now, he's showing great control.

i want our marriage to make it. i know there are no guarantees.

i guess i'm just having a very hard time right now. sometimes i feel strong and determined to be the person i want to be and i'm heading in the right direction but, then other times, like today, i feel so incredibly alone, weak, and unable to cope.

And that happens, it's a part of the process. It's painful but on those days get up and do something for you.

None of this happens quickly. Break your goals down into very small, achievable goals.

Sounds like you have some great GAL activities starting.

What else are you going to do? What are some things you've always wanted to do. Write those down no matter how crazy they sound. Choose a few to work towards.

Take the focus off him and the marriage. Do what works for you.

The Secret is great. Also The Power which is all about putting love and gratitude out into the world and seeing the beauty all around you. It does change how you feel in general. And everything is helped by being positive.

SS, I think maybe you not going down was a good thing. From what I've seen you've been very accommodating and nice and sweet to him for a long time. Perhaps a bit of distance is needed.

And yes they are so much better at DB than we are.

Had a R discussion with H yesterday on the phone. I know I shouldn't have but it developed into one. He's seeing an IC now. Had his first appointment last week but said he had to leave because he tried to talk but couldn't stop crying. So he went yesterday and was able to talk but still said he cried. Of course, his part of the conversation with me dealt with past hurts and fear of future pain from me if we resumed our R. However, he asked me a question that has been haunting me. Ha asked, "if we got divorced and in a year I asked you to marry me again, would you?"

That's so confusing when they do that. Yesterday, I joked with H about possibly needing to become a "dancer" to pay my bills now that I'm on my own. His response was that we'd have no chance of reconciliation if that happened.

My thought is, if there's a chance of reconciliation now, no matter how slight, why are you planning to file for divorce? Shouldn't we try to work things out first and then if there's no hope, go ahead and file?

I don't think I'll ever understand his logic. None of our friends or family can either, so I guess I'm not the crazy one. That's not much comfort though...