Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW within 9 months of wedding

I hate WhatsApp. WAW messages me to remind that an airline credit voucher (from our cancelled Easter holiday planned last year) is about to expire. I hold off replying immediately for about 15min. All the while she is online messaging the OM. I finally send a reply "i'll look into it thanks for the reminder". She is still online messaging the OM. 10min later I get 2 replies with typical WAW smilie faces.

I hate WhatsApp because she started using it when the A started. The after separation, I was obsessed with checking her status. This was making me feel really bad knowing she was messaging OM from the moment she woke up, every 10-15 min during the day and last thing at night.

So about a month ago I put her on my blacklist but she reacted negatively. I unblocked her and managed the strength last week to stop obsessing over her online status.... Until she Whatsapp'ed me this morning.

Trying to breathe, detach, GAL and concentrate on me

The coldness of the short message exchange about plane tickets is keeping me awake and it's 3AM. With NC, I can barely get by day to day. Once I have contact, I miss the old R with WAW and become a devastated wreck again.

Where did all the warmth go? When will WAW fog lift? Why am I concentrating on WAW so much again?

On the GAL front, I had beers with my brother. I got to sleep at a reasonable hour. If only I can get back to sleep...

@1702 sorry to hear your sitch. Hopefully you are able to follow the advise here on DB. The LRT really helped my own sanity and sitch. I was driving WAW away without realizing it.

So i'm not the best at advice right now. Buuuuuut when things were rough for me I found reply at my own time. one weekend I texted him a picture and he never replied. Then on Monday morning at like 7:45am he sends me this picture of a bunch of food he bought at a speciality market. Did I know it was there, oh by the way he went to that restaurant I had told him about blah blah blah. It drove me insane....you ignore me all weekend then (possibly as soon as GF has left your place) you send me a run down of your weekend. I started to reply and then I didn't. I took a shower went to work, got comfortable doing my job which makes me feel confident and texted him back after lunch with yes I knew about that place perhaps I should have told you glad you like the food at that restaurant. He replied something funny about the market. I ignored.

My point is the second they make contact we LET him invade our once built little fortress of serenity. It will get easier. I had gotten to a place where I didn't really think about him and GF I thought I had accepted it until I got that bomb yesterday.

It will get easier. That's all I can say. Try and concentrate on you!

Brit, your comments are highly appreciated. I hope you are holding up ok

I have pretty much taken the view that WAW very much in love with her "soul mate" OM. Otherwise she wouldn't sacrifice M, her family relationships, etc. She is in this fog where all wisdom and comments from married friends and family is ignored and written off as nobody understands her and everyone is "forcing their views on her".

To date, she has only listened to three friends. Unfortunately for M, they encouraged her to do what makes her happy because she deserves to be happy. Sounds ok but they do not place any commitment or value the sanctity of M. R to them should be natural and should not require any work. Of course they don't tell or guide WAW what to do (only her family dare do that) but their "listening and support" has been bad for M

I hope she finds her happiness even if that means M ends. Although still no mention of R or D since separation

I decided in March not to compete with OM, not to tell WAW how she should think about R, and let WAW go on her own journey. The A doesn't seem like it will fizzle out any time soon but any conversation with WAW at the moment is fruitless and painful

This forum has been great for support and my goal of GAL

Fuzz, my wife has been doing this for the last several months. She doesn't want to hear anything about staying married and seems to move toward the people that are telling her she needs to be happy. To be honest, that is what I want for her, but even after these several months, I still cannot understand how someone can be so cold to another human being.

I feel so betrayed even after several months. I have been able to detach to a point, but there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think, 'why? or how?


Even though she knew how important marriage and family was to me, she still went through marrying me twice. (once in hospital in front of father and the originally planned one) If you are wondering, we married 6 months early because father was not going to make it. He actually passed away that evening.

she gave me the most wonderful gift by offering to do this. We got married again in front of family and friends, then 6 months after this, she tells me that it was all a mistake, and we arent supposed to be together.

What in the world goes through her head?

Sorry for rambling, but it actually makes me feel a little better. There is a very good possibility that I won't see my SD again, and even a better one that I will never again have the possibility of having my own children. How in the world would I ever trust someone again after this?

Brit shares a lot of insight as an XWAW.

WAW will not be thinking about M at all. They will be keeping busy just to avoid thinking about it. My WAS was trying to take out a home loan, hunting for an investment apartment, researching on loans, trying set up a new home with furniture etc. Eventually she gave up on that as she couldn't handle it financially. So then she rented an apartment and spent lots of time hunting down second hand furniture and appliances.

Then there's my WAW's big and difficult decision on M. Almost identical to Brit's massive and scary description. Another reason for WAW to stay busy and avoid the guilt and responsibility.

The more I read and learn about infidelity the more I find it's all happened before to many people. It's almost as though the WAW recites word for word from a cheaters manual excuses to justify their behavior (actually its to reduce their guilt).

I believe the cruelty is a biproduct of their selfishness - they don't actually want to hurt the LBS. The WAW has probably been unhappy for a while but doesn't understand why and blames the nearest excuse - the LBS. My WAW lacks self confidence and maturity and does not show any of the personality characteristics of the person I married.

It astounds me that you and I have a very similar sitch.

I just wrote a massive post about my feelings at the end of my M in Crazyville's thread. That might be insight for you to read.

I think it's all about empathy if you can put your hurt aside to try and understand someone else's hurt then you can have a chance. What usually happens is we stumble around looking at ways the other person is hurting us when we're confronted with our faults and said YEAH BUT THEY HURT ME. If you can put what someone else NEEDS ahead of your own then you're practicing love.

That's what giving space and time is so hard. It's what they NEED even though it hurts you to be apart from them.

Anything you say about the OM or the A will push her further into it. It's like a little kid if you tell them they can't have one toy in a crowded room it's the only one they want!

Which is why I want to kick myself for saying anything this morning about H living on his own rather than moving in with GF. Granted I was talking about affording to live on his own, but we all know what the subtext was.

I think I'm moving towards empathy. I have looked deep into my failures and neglect in M. Most of my friends say I shouldn't take responsibility for the A and I don't but I wasn't perfect

It's easy to think "my issue is way more important than your issue". I'm guilty of it myself when I think of last year with WAW. I felt my family issues (rifts, death, business) were more important than her feeling of not being "lovey dovey" (i only realised this year that in guys speak, a loveless marriage). The A made me very vulnerable and desperate before I understood

There are many other things that WAW either pointed out in M or after A - some are valid and others are excuses. However, the old "invincible" me would not have listened or understood. It took A for me to wake up, become vulnerable and completely open up to what she was trying to say