Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

@ West - Good to see you here. I haven't looked at my w's FB since May.. so I'm not hurt by seeing her posts...I'm not even tempted to look anymore.

...it's more so that it hurts that she is my "friend" but actually doesn't want to be that.. except at her convenience.

I agree it's more about limiting the rollercoaster. I never know when she is going to post, and I'm still wanting to protect myself..

..plus if she doesn't want anything to do with me? Why should she have access to my life??

@ JS - Thank you... and I'm trying. Most days are great.. just been in a funk.

@Mimi - Yes I am sad.. very much so.. but I need to keep hitting myself over the head the with "reality"hammer.. otherwise I won't grow.

Time will tell if my w wants me back in her life. She'd have alot of amends to make to me. I don't seem to be on the top priority of people to deal with at the moment.


Journaling...


W has yet to cash either January or February's health insurance payment that I gave her.

She told me she didn't really want to take me to court over it so I'm not sure what the hold up is.

My guess is that she thinks that if she cashes it, she then feels like she has "accepted" the amount I am giving her....

...it doesn't matter. For the past year my w has done what's best for her.. regardless of the consequence to me....

..she'll do what she has to do.

But If she doesn't cash either check by the end of March, I won't send her another one until she does.

The money will always be there but due to my industry some projects I get paid day of, others week of, some projects - 30 days after...

so my account fluctuates quite a bit. It just doesn't allow for my w to just cash $1k worth of checks whenever she is "ready".

Thoughts on if I should tell her this?

It's not really a pressure thing nor do I have any intention to stop paying her...

...but I need to control my own finances too.

*sigh* Good times...

The timing of your post is incredible Val. As someone who just went DARK a few days ago, I really needed to read this today. I am heading home and trying to figure out how to remain dark in the same home. Being away was much easier.

You've come a long way. I am sorry that its been a little rough recently. Hoping that passes for you very quickly. (((Val)))

When you figure this out, let me know!

V

I have caught up with your sitch and thread. I can sense all the pain and hurt that you are feeling. I am very sorry. I can relate so much with what you are going thru. My H too wants to be "friends" according to his definition, which is to have small talk, laughs together, talk about things we always shared in common (sports, family, friends, etc.). I also think he wants really to apeace his guilt, which is not my job to do.

So I am struggling really hard to sever ties. Like you, I'd love to block him or unfriend him on FB, but cannot bring myself to do it. Instead, I have just not opened my FB page since September. My last post there was for my H on his birthday. I then realized that OW posted too and I said, that's it. This is too painful for me and like you, I just want to protect my feelings at this point. I also hate when people tell me about what he posts... I should do like you and ask them not to tell me.

As for your latest money dilema, here are my thoughts.



You say that the money will be there and you will keep paying, so what will be the goal to tell her? Is this perhaps an attempt to control the issue and situation?

I work in the same industry as you and know about payments and money fluctuations. It's quite inconvenient. But if the money is there, just keep track of it and pretend that it is not in your account. I know it takes a bit more work in tracking finances, but it helps your goal of remaining dark with her.

Or perhaps you can set up a separate account that you share with her and deposit whatever money you give her there. That way it is separate from the rest of your finances and she can take it out or cash whenever she sees fit.

I don't know... it's all very inconvenient, but I guess you need to see if it's worth it to help you keep on track with your goals.

Hope it helps.
You are a very strong woman and a source of inspiration. :-)

Thanks everyone for your support.

@ KG - Absolutely I am trying to control the situation. I don't trust my w and it scares me that she hasn't cashed it yet...
It's all part of me trying to protect myself... which it always seems to come back to that.

Journal

I've been trying to write an entry for a few days. My head seems to be overflowing with feelings and I am not really sure why.. other than my one year since my separation is drawing near.

In some ways I feel that I am at constant battle with myself.

In alot of ways I fight really hard to love my wife. Every decision I make, I spend the time feeling, praying, checking my heart.. have the tough conversations.. waking up forgiving.. and trying to want what's best for her.

In alot of ways I am really angry at her. Not about the divorce as much as she lied to me about being in each other's lives. Angry that I am so d@mn scared of her. Angry that I still thinks she cares about me even though this whole past year has been filled with actions of her only taking care of herself.. often at my expense.

I am angry about the emotional abuse. I am angry about the verbal abuse.

So the two sides fight with each other. The loving Val gets upset with the Angry Val because I have a hard time accepting her good behavior. I always feel like she is manipulating or baiting me. The loving Val gets upset because even though I try and I pray really hard for her to get better... there is this part of me that thinks "So finally I can be treated better" vs. just wanting her to get better because I love her.. regardless of what that means for me.

The angry Val gets upset with me because I continue to love someone who doesn't really show me love back. That I push myself and ask those hard questions for someone.. that doesn't really seem to give a damn.

I think Angry Val believes that if I would just stay angry and say "fvck her".. I would move on...

..and in some ways.. she may be right.

The constant battle has me exhausted. Lately I just don't want anything to do with it.

I neither want to fight so hard to love my w, nor do I want to fight to be angry at her.

I don't hate her but I don't really want to love as much as I do either.

In some ways... I just don't want her to be... anything or anywhere.

I know I shouldn't run and I know how beneficial the high road is....

...... but sometimes I wonder if it's actually the high road.

.... I wonder if I spend so much time loving her so I can say I did my best.

.. I wonder that I say there is something wrong with her because the simple fact that she doesn't love me.. just hurts too damn much

.... I wonder if I have DBed to the best of my abilities.

... I wonder if I tried everything.

.... and I wonder why if I am so ready to move on, that I want to keep fighting for her. When in fact, I am being forced to move on.. and I hate it.

... and most of all I wonder if all my wonders is my codependency talking or if there some part of me that is healthy in there.

I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of doing battle.

I feel like I know exactly who I want to be in life.. but my toxic dynamic with her makes it feel impossible to be that person to her...

... and I've been praying that it not be so... but now I'm not praying as much as just avoiding her so I don't have to be tested.

Because as much as I want to just love ME, and create a healthy ME.. it means dealing with HER...

... and I am questioning my strength.

... I am questioning God.

I'm rambling and I'm sure I sound like a crazy person.. but that is what is in my head.

Fun stuff ain't it??

Val, we all feel what we feel. We all deal with these feelings. I expect to from time to time for the rest of my life. I also expect the frequency to diminish greatly as I heal and move on.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. I believe this to be true. I find myself increasingly indifferent. The relationship I once had is gone. The person I loved in that relationship changed. I need to let her go, to leave her be to her own devices. She needs to heal. My continued involvement prevents her healing.

I need to love myself enough to grow, to give myself another chance at happiness. I deserve this.

So do you.

Wow this is great!!

25 -

Sorry for the late response to your post/questions. Your post was very emotional for me.. As always, you continue to push me to look at myself which was needed.. but it's only now that I feel like I can answer you.

I'm scared that my w has something up her sleeve in regards to the insurance check. We have a few last items to settle, the car, income tax returns, etc.. and I am afraid that she is going to give me less than we agreed on.. because of this.


It's not your job to "fight hard to love" someone who has left your life.
"Every decision" you make is trying to want what's best for HER? Why on earth are YOU doing that?

It's partly caz that's what I do. Partly because I want to love like how God loves. Unconditionally w/o expectations. I do not believe in returning anger for anger.. and I'm angry. So I fight hard to not let my negative feelings turn into negative actions.

..and as for wanting what's best for her...

I mean that I want her to be healthy, to get better. I want her to find peace through working her 12 step program. Even though she has left my life.. doesn't mean I don't want her to be happy.

But I get what you're saying and you're right. It's time I take care of myself and make myself happy. I have long forgotten how to take care of myself... especially with her. I'm getting there.. but it's baby steps.

what is this fear you refer to so often? IS she stalking you? Or is it all past events? Or your fear of truly letting go or what?

She doesn't stalk me at all.. Fear of what she will say or do. It's from recognizing from past events why I acted the way I did.. and seeing that she hasn't really changed at all. Whatever she feels, she "takes out" on me.....

.... while we were together.. at least there was some barrier to stop herself.. but now that we are apart and she is more self-involved then ever... she is unpredictable.

The reasons she uses to justify her actions is not based on fact of things I have previously done.. only fear that I will start sticking up for myself.

IE: Thinking I would get a lawyer. I've expressed multiple times that I wouldn't and I have been peaceful for the most part. I do not know why she feared I would.. but I do know that it does motivate her actions....

.. and those actions hurt me... so I'm scared of them. Maybe it comes from the fact.. that I just don't think like her. I have grown in the last year.

When I am wrong. I say it. When I need to change, I work on it. I do not blame others for my imperfections. I do not "punish" people for their actions.

I do not lash out when people say things that hurt me. And the list goes on.

b/c you are now cynical or assume the worst of her? Does this help you in any way? Does fearing and negating her motives actually protect you

or do you tell yourself that, b/c it helps you to have low expectations?

Can you see that maybe you can accept her good behaviors AND NOT learn to expect more,

but just to welcome the good you do get, and not be disappointed by not getting more?

Right now it protects me emotionally... and since I've started doing it.. has protected me financially.

I need a heart change here to get to the latter of accepting her good behaviors and NOT learn to expect more. I need to truly forgive her and although I'm working on it.. it's going to be awhile...

.. and the process is slowed when the same dynamic still lingers. It would be easy to forgive her for things she has done to me.. but it's not the past.. it's happening in the present.. and that is MUCH harder for me.

Granted there is very little communication left.. but it still doesn't make me look forward to it.


Enough about HER...seriously...
how about you "GAL the sh!! out of the weekend coming"??

Exactly.. that's how I was feeling. I cried out here and broke down infront of my pastor and then I started picking myself up. (That part is for another post).

I appreciate what said about how you felt I have "checked" most of the things off the list.

I'm not saying that I have done all that I can.. or that you are saying that.. but the way you have pushed me to grow in the past 11 months is a different technique than others on the board. It was often that you were the lonely voice going against everything else I was being told. To keep loving and to keep fighting and to not look at myself...

... I felt like you were like a "tough loving mom"... so when I heard you say "it's okay to walk away"... I felt God was just using you to say.. it's ok Val.. you did your best.

So I don't know what the answer is to the question about what the fight is about.. but I do have the answer that I'm done fighting so hard.

I just want to enjoy life. To spend time with the people that love me and want to be in my life.. and if I'm angry at my w for awhile that she chose not to.. so be it. I know I will not act on those feelings and that I don't hate her.

but I will continue to deal with her.. because I need to.. to get healthy.

I need to look at how I allowed a person to dictate my self worth. That I allowed someone to beat me down, tell me I wasn't good enough, treat me like I wasn't good enough.. and make excuses for hurting me.

I need to deal with how I allowed it to happen but also deal with the feelings that it brings up towards her....

... so I NEVER get into a relationship like that AGAIN. I don't want to be someones 2nd best. I don't want to not be worth fighting for or apologizing to.

... and yes I still have to see her to tie up the lose ends. It sukks as I'd rather not see her at all.. but I don't have a choice as there are things we need to co-sign together.

Thank you so much for the post.. and for being on this journey with me 25. Maybe I'll run into you at the Laugh Factory.

I thought I would write an update as I might be off the board for awhile. I've been prepping a film the past two weeks and it's kept me pretty busy. I'm sure shooting will be even crazier.

I've been feeling good the past couple of days. I pretty much had a breakdown on the 21st. I spoke to my pastor and explained alot of what I journaled about.

Overall I felt like I was just trying sooo hard that I had emotional burnt myself out. He advised me to stop trying so hard. To stop using my brain so much, relax and just go with my heart.

I cried harder than I have for awhile... so much my eyes burned.

Later that night,I deleted w from my phone. I don't have the ability to block her.. or maybe I just don't know how. Right now I know her number by heart... but hopefully that will fade too.

Needless to say, it was crazy how much pain was lifted when I didn't see her in my phone (I spend alot of time on my phone for work).

After a few days of feeling better, I went over to my friends house. I said "I think I'm ready."

We pulled up my FB account and I was still unsure. I too.. struggle with the fog that letting go = abandonment.

I went back and re-read the post by JS to me (Thank you so much!)

and as I brought up the friends section my phone goes off. It was a text from a friend that I reconnected with. A friend I had to walk away from for awhile because it was a "bitch fest" every time we talked... and I was just so determined to be positive.

We connected a few months ago because he heard that I had changed so much. That I had become super positive and was "glowing"...

Just as negativity can bring more negativity.. so can positivity rub off on the other person.

So at 12:30a, the text says.

"I appreciate that your always good to me and how loyal you are"

And with that text, I pushed delete. I felt God brought alot of signs in my life. I decided to trust him.

I thought I would feel sad (and I'm sure I will at some point) but I just felt relief.

I don't know how long ago I brought FB up on the board, I don't know how many times... but it's been a long battle for me.

and it some ways stupid. It's just a social networking site. If me deleting w on FB sends her beyond the point of every turning back... than we shouldn't really be together anyway.

So much stress and turmoil over it. Now I can post about anything or everything and not worry if she is looking.. or not looking.

The funny thing.. I haven't posted in so long.. I don't really want to any more.

I do wonder though if I will feel this much relief when I sign the D papers. Part of me believes it to be true.

I don't know if I am happy with moving on.. but my attitude shift is a welcomed change.

And although my journey with my w has come to an end... my growth hasn't.

Now I get to DB my co-workers on this feature. Bring it on!!!