Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to DB

Ukva- It is hard to go dark with kids involved. How dark is dark? In my DB coaching session I was given advice which I am trying. I wanted to just cut it all off. But my goal is NOT to estrange my kids from their father. So this is going to be a challenge for now.

Jack 3 beans- I think I understand what you are saying. I may feel better for the next few days but I am in this for the long haul. I need to accept that If I am really going to do this. I know this will be the challenge. Thank you.

I need to figure out what I need without being afraid of the outcome. To let go of the rope. To detach. To go dark. To ACCEPT where I am right now and what my role is and how I can take action to determine the outcome of my children’s happiness and my own. I sought fulfilment in my M, but in my fear I pushed it away. I don’t want my kids to share that part of me. I want them to share the best of me. They are owed that. So i will work to find it.

I know this is only the beginning. I still have so much to learn, to read, to deal with (I actually have not seen my H for 2 months now and we have not spoken for almost two weeks). So there is still a lot ahead. But with you all I think I am ready for this journey. It is happening for a reason.

Good night all. I hope one day I am strong enough to support you all as you have already for me. Much love.

And Jack3beans, I LOVE your quote...Life does seem to be about handling PLAN B!

Bustorama,I just want to add that what you said about s/he that cares less about the R will be pursued....I get that. But right now I actually feel like I just want to be left alone for awhile. I dont want to contact him or hear from him. I want to be left alone to 'catch up' and learn how to control my thoughts and emotions, especially about his R with OW (even though I know that is not the source of our problems). Is that normal?

I am a teacher and a college counsellor. Over the past two years as I have interacted with students and parents I have felt so much pain for the students coming from broken families. The pain the children feel from either going from one home to another, or, unfortunately, when there is animosity between the parents. Some dads that live out of country, some moms that work such long hours that the children are pretty much alone. Sons that feel ‘responsible’ for their moms, daughters that feel neglected by their fathers.

This used to bring me to tears at school because i realised these children could potentially be mine one day. These could be my children that struggle with the failure of their parent’s M. And it drove me to continue trying with my H. To bring him back to the family home. I have not done that. I played my cards poorly. I think when there was a glimmer of light I pushed too hard too fast. SPACE SPACE SPACE. He ASKED FOR SPACE. Why was it so hard for me to see and understand that then?

I have not seen H for 2 months. He is with OW in another city working. After he told me he intends to pursue full PA with OW I stopped contacting him. He too stopped contacting me/kids too. That was my start of letting go, dropping the rope. And while I feel relatively strong, I wonder what the C&*P is going on. Even though he told me he wants PA with her recently, I thought he was already having one. I went through the emotions, pain etc last year. So two weeks ago when he told me I felt oddly unsurprised. I try and channel pain, hurt, fear in constructive anger as a motivation to keep dark, drop the rope and let him go. Do I want a D? No. But why is HE so dark? Not even a text about the kids? I have all of these images of them just being so happy celebrating their love that he doesn’t even find the need to contact his kids. That he found his bliss, his happiness. Maybe he did.

Anyway, he is supposed to come back and I don’t even know when anymore. It is kinda doing my head in because I want to DB him but cant! Although I have to admit me not calling or texting him for the past almost two weeks is DEFINETELY a 180 for me. So DBing in the dark I guess. But what is it going to be like when he returns? ARGH.

You know, being able to write here is such a relief. If I had found you last year I would be in a much better place already. Even the best of friends and closest of family members just don’t get it. The amount of people that just say ‘D him. He not worth it and move on’ etcetc. Really? You try it I want to say to them. You just break-up everything with a quick emotional decision that has lifelong consequences. Anyway. I am rambling. I am at work so I should go.

I cannot believe how much love and support I feel after reading these posts from you all...bustorama, jks, Brit45, ukva, 25, jack 3 beans...thank you...thank you. Every single one of you have given me so much to think about and so much to actually hold on to...the here and NOW, my ability to control what I CAN control...myself, my happiness, the happiness of my children. I have been sitting here at my kitchen table for over an hour just thinking about what all of you had said.... Just thinking..and trying to be real with myself. To find solutions within myself.
Jks- I agree, this advice is AWESOME. I need to figure out what I need to do to GAL. Its funny (not haha) how after all the years of being M we need to figure out what it means to GAL. What does that mean to me outside of my kids and M? I don’t know yet. But want to figure it out. And thank you for the link. I will go through it.

Bustorama-thank you for finding my thread  I understand what you are saying about rejecting the S that has had an A and getting ahead of them on the curve. Indeed I have been playing catch up with the emotional blows given over the past two years. But you have made me think...maybe I was the first to actually deliver the first ‘bomb’, in my role in the breakdown of out M. Shortly after the birth of my second child (4 years ago), I became depressed. All the baggage I brought into the M came out...my fear of losing my H (my parents divorced badly and I was always determined NOT to let it happen to me...my worst fear), my insecurities of being too fat, too unattractive, wondering if I was being a good mother...I wanted to CONTROL everything and it resulted in me becoming jealous, withdrawn, critical, negative, patronizing...etc.etc. I didn’t listen to him anymore, I blamed him for all my pain and anger and frustration. I took my M and my H for granted and treated him like a punching bag for my emotions. I thought I was OWED happiness. Fear was my motivator. And instead of seeing him as my equal, as a man that was going though his own pain, with his own baggage, I pushed and pushed. In my heart I wanted nothing else than to have a safe, secure and happy H and family, I wanted to be his light and love and support (how could that have happened when I was miserable and scared and pushing him into a corner –she says in hindsight). And its comforting to know that the ‘gloating’ is only a facade (not that I am saying the pain by the facade is comforting)

So 25, yes, the EA/A is actually the symptom of other underlying problems. And when H left, it was the ‘bomb’ for me. I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I thought it was coming out of nowhere (it kind of was because my H is not a talker...so he actually didn’t express anything before the bomb). Anyway, I want to say I can/have forgiven. I can forgive. I can let go of that pain because it is not where I want to live anymore. I lived with it for so long since childhood, the pain of not having my father around, the emptiness, etc and I don’t want to live there anymore. I can even forgive OW. I have in fact. CHANGE IS NECESSARY. Change I CAN CONTROL (because for so long so many years, i felt I had no control over the emotions I was feeling as a result of OTHER PEOPLE’S decisions). I want to find my happiness. I want to be that person for myself and for my children. And i see what you mean about the techniques being the same whether its MLC or not. The cause is not the driving force, its the goal. And thank you for your story. I relate because my parents had a BAD divorce. I did not see forgiveness, love or respect. And yes, that came with me into my M.

Brit45 for the past 1.5 years since he left (his bomb to me), I started to wake up. I saw what I had become and didn’t like it. I think I had started to learn and grow within myself but I KEPT HANGING ON TO HIM. I kept trying to talk about R. I kept living in the misery of being a LBS. I played the victim and did not ‘act as if’. I thought if I acted ‘real’ and shared all my pain and misery and told him all the ‘changes’ I was making he would ‘see’. He didn’t see. He went further away. I SUFFOCATED him. I think I understand the ‘act as if’ now. Its not bitchiness. Its not mean. Its acting as if I am already in the place I want to be. With or without him. I agree that I was looking for a quick fix. But a quick fix is just a band aid on a gaping wound right now. And no one can heal that wound but me. Happiness is from within I realise now. Not from another. So I need to dig my heels into this. And my R now has to be with DB.

Another day H has not gotten in contact with kids. Its very abnormal. All i can imagine is that he has really gone deep with OW (no pun intended) and is in the throes of happiness and bliss. Its not that I want to contact him and I wont, but am blasted by this. Has my going dark set him free?

Tomorrow is our 11th year anniversary. its hard to not get down about the life we had promised each other and now this is where we are. I fear its too late.

the no contacting the kids is not that unusual. I found that it did NOT mean my h didn't care. I think he ached for their hugs and goodnight kisses. But he blocked them out b/c of his shame.

I can relate A LITTLE to that b/c when I joined the Army I had to leave my 15 month old son w/h and my mother. I'd be gone Mon-Friday and during the week I did NOT want to call and chat with son or hear about him from h...why?

B/C I so sorely missed him. I'd get very depressed when I'd talk to son on the phone and say "see you soon, in 3 more night times"...I missed him/h MORE then and I'm sorry to admit it, but it was harder for me to call and contact than it was to try and shut it out til the weekend came along, when I could "make it up" to son and h.

I believe my H felt guilty as a father even if he justified things as a h. His r's with our children esp our d's, were damaged. I won't pretend they weren't.

They have healed SOME but not all, yet.

My GUESS is

your h would kill/die for his kids

but right now he's chosen to fulfill himself as a "partner" and whatever other baggage issues he came to the marriage with are also blooming...

what if he feels shame? What if he thinks you'll do more R talk?

I don't ask to make you feel worse but to see that HE may have his own fears and shame to deal with...

so what can YOU do? Detach...big time. Work on YOU.

When he calls or contacts you-keep it about the kids. And upbeat stuff that he'd wish he'd seen (you want to give him something to miss, like the homerun your son hits or the song your d sings, etc)

...no complaints from YOU about how THEY miss him...let them tell him and believe me, they will.

Your GAL activities will be noticed too. Being optimistic about your life and your new plans and do some things that he would not expect you to do (but which are authentic for you-nothing fakey. This takes practice. Nothing wrong with rehearsals!)

I auditioned for community theater and got cast and met new interesting people. Also did stand up comedy, took a cooking class, a French conversation class, learned to cross country ski and use an ATV, and got a new job.

This greatly intrigued h, more than I knew at the time. But i did it b/c I needed to feel better about ME and MY LIFE...

and I think you get this point and the way to focus your energy. Not on your h, but on YOU and creating a happier life for you AND your kids.

They need you now more than ever...so letting go of the anger/pain helps THEM too.

Good luck and hang in there. REMEMBER This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Thank you 25. I really appreciate your comments and I do agree.

He would kill/die for them.

I know he feels guilt and shame- he has since this whole this began.

But you are right, now that this is a full blown PA and he is obviously in this ' honeymoon' phase he must be riddled with guilt and shame. I can see that.

But I am a bit unsure about one thing.

While I am detaching and dark ( I really have not contacted him for two weeks), and I feel relatively strong doing this ( I still need to gal), I was told I should at least send every now and then by email or text a cute picture or video of the kids of something they had done special.

I didn't want to, but I did last week because I don't want the kids and him to be estranged.

I was going to send another one today from my son's recital but am hesitant for fear of coming across as pursuing ( again) OR inflicting more guilt which will send him away further from the kids.

Am not sure....any tips?