Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is the cake eating 6

So, when I get home, I can find no sign that he has broken in through the back window like he says.

(I think he must have a key and this has all been an elaborate charade.
If I had the $$, I'd have the locks changed, but no chance of that!)

My bedroom door, however, is ajar (and I think I shut it before I left, as the dog gets in and causes havoc).

BUT, there is no dog.

Just as I am starting to panic, H rings to announce that he has taken the dog (the kids and I got the dog after he left).

He says he's taken it to his mate's house, where he claims to live. Says he will bring it back soon.

He has tried to take the dog on several occasions before but has been unwilling to tell me where he is taking it, so I have fobbed him off.

S13 is not keen for H to take his dog out either, as he does not trust him to watch it carefully.

So now it seems he has seized his chance to do what I was trying to control.

Oh dear, how pathetic my life has become. And how thoroughly down - and on the verge of a breakdown - this sort of weird game-playing makes me feel.

What to do now - act 'as if' nothing out of the ordinary happened? Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to keep the road home paved and smooth?

i think you answered your own question. but, i would still figure out a way to get the locks changed.

That's just odd. Why feel would he feel the need to add drama? But then again, my H is the king of drama lately. It's all about them and how rough they have it.

Do you want that craziness in your life?

Do you want to come home everyday wondering if he's been in your house?

NLW,

So sorry to hear the unpredictable craziness continues. When my H and I first separated, I went away for a weekend with my 3 best friends (trip had been previously scheduled and I wasn't missing it). He took the opportunity to come into our home and take not just his things (fine for that), but things he didn't need or even really want. They were items he knew I loved and that I'd be hurt and angry. He also came in the house a time or 2 late at night when I was sleeping to get things and to snoop around.

I no longer felt safe, and I didn't appreciate my privacy and space being violated. It was time for a boundary. He had chosen to move out, so the coming and going on his terms was over. I wasn't going into his house (couldn't have paid me to), and he wasn't going to just barge into where I was living. When I called about having the locks changed, the locksmith told me a more economical and equally as good of alternative was to have the current locks re-keyed, so that's what I did. We live in a large home with several doors, and the entire job cost under $250. Talk about peace of mind; it was worth every penny paid! My parents offered to pay for it, but I charged it to my H instead.

Oh my, was he P!SSED when he found out! I was actually on vacation at the beach with my kids when he tried to come in again, and he tore into me by text about locking him out of HIS home that he pays for, etc. I assured him that my attorney had given me the go-ahead because I no longer felt safe NOR was he respecting our separation agreement. I told him if he wanted to take me to court about it to knock himself out. He simmered down and decided it was in his best interest not to.

This is all part of establishing and enforcing boundaries. It may not be best for everyone, but I had put up with the bs for 3 years and was done with it. If his not respecting my boundaries meant divorce, then his loss. Why would I want to be with someone like that anyway?

But as you know...the story didn't end in divorce. I can say with certainty that had I not enforced boundaries, no way would our reconciliation be as successful as it is. Sure, it could've ended in divorce as well, but I would be living on MY terms.

Just something to think about. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids and to have peace.

Hugs, ncl

Hi NLW,

One perspective I had reading this was that he's already worried about his failing business and obviously feeling very down about it. If his server being down prevented him from doing business, I can see how he would have flipped and acted 'in the moment' to try to get things going again. I really view it as an emergency from his perspective. If he was breaking in to make himself lunch out of your fridge I think you'd have a right to be indignant about it. In this case, at least he called and told you he did it.

I think your best bet is to ask him to keep the server somewhere else going forward, and to set a boundary from this point forward about coming into your house when you're not home (don't do it). I would focus on that rather than making a big deal over what's happened.

Accuray

Thanks ss, wh and labug for your replies - it helps so much to know you're there.

When I think about it, it seems that H is trying to test me by doing these sorts of things - baiting me to 'explode' with anger at him, and criticise, like I used to.

When I saw him again yesterday afternoon, he apologised for having 'broken in' - although it's clear to me now that he did no such thing and must have a key. Looking into his eyes, I could see pain, fear/panic.

Maybe I'm being gullible, but I feel for him. As my mother said when I told her about what had been happening - he's lying to you like a young child would do if they'd been found out for doing something bad. In other words, he's reduced to the level of a child in his ability to cope.

I believe he's having a complete breakdown and I'm trying to respond with compassion.

So, I'm trying to keep an even keel and not get dragged into his drama. But I see the sense in getting the locks changed....I found the whole episode quite destabilising.

ncl,

This info about your experience makes me feel like I'm on the right track in dealing with h's recent behaviour. I think he is trying to get me angry. He's not trusting of the changes he can see in me and is trying to make me respond like I used to - by baiting me in ways that he knows will push my buttons.

But, I'm not so much that woman any more....

Great advice about the re-keying! I will certainly look into this. It does feel like so much of a violation to have H in the house on his own now. Strange how things turn out....

I admit I am not great about enforcing boundaries. I've been trying to give him every opportunity to experience our home, and the time with us that he chooses to have, as warm and welcoming. I look at him as suffering a massive breakdown and under enormous financial strain. I realise however that i've got to protect myself and the kids.
Just trying to walk the line between being compassionate and being a doormat.

Best, NLW

Accuray,
I really appreciated what you had to say.

This pretty much fits with the conclusion I came to.
I think he is really flipping out again about his business and the failure of the server was just too much to cope with. He flipped - and came out with some BS story about having to break in.

Funny thing is, he didn't even try to make it look as if he'd broken in. Nothing in my daughter's room was moved, and he would have had to haul himself right over her desk and through piles of junk in order to squeeze through the window.

Likewise, outside the window, nothing had been touched and various things would have had to have been moved for him to get access.

Just a bit weird that he would have lied so outrageously and then not even tried to cover his tracks - indicative of 'flipping out' in the extreme I'd say. And indicative of the level of strain he is under in relation to his failing business at the moment.

He has taken the server for good now, so that won't be an excuse in the future.

He was very contrite this afternoon about 'what happened this morning', and when I acted upbeat and understanding about the emergency, he seemed relieved.

He could just be playing me, but I can see so much fear and panic in his eyes.
There is no point making a big deal of it at the moment. My gut says better to show compassion right now.

But I guess that's what all doormats say!

i don't think you can go wrong showing compassion.